Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

MemeIceBucketClaire

who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

Meme-PlayDoctor

Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Updated! Outlander Epi #2, or… How I Met Your Brother, Colum MacKenzie

The weary travelers arrive at Castle Leoch wearing old timey golf hats like the one my grandfather Mickey Maguire wore.  It’s the first day of school and everyone has a friend except Claire.  ‘Domestic Manager’ Mrs. Fitz happily greets the gang including Murtagh whom she tells ‘smells like shit’ thus eliciting his first smile of the season.  She then notices Claire and Jamie introduces her while distancing himself like a kid who doesn’t know why a stray dog followed him home.

Mrs. F tries to haul Claire into the house to feed and dress her but Claire wants to tend to Jamie’s bullet wound instead.   Upon discovering Claire’s a healer, Mrs. F  morphs from cuddly grandma to torch wielding Salem townsfolk  but then decides to drag Jamie inside to be taken care of.

I feel bad that Jamie was shot, but gosh darn that means he has to take his shirt off and Holy Objectification Batman, that. man. is. fine.  Jamie explains to Claire how he got his scars when that SOB Black Jack Randall whipped him.  Jamie has gone weeks without bathing but seems fresh as a daisy so I convince myself he snuck in 5 minutes for a hot bath, manscaping and teeth whitening before presenting his gorgeous ginger self to Claire.

Flashback and it’s the redcoats.  I admit I hit the mute button when they whipped Jamie and not just cuz my dog told me to.  I’ve been so excited to see Jenny who is one of my favorite characters and oh crap, Jack Randall has her.  I feel so bad for Jenny and I shout at the TV so she’s not afraid to go in the house because he has ‘dysfunction issues’.  Sadly, she does not appear to hear me.

Back to present.  Jamie tells Claire she has a gentle touch and her husband is a lucky man.  She begins to cry and awkwardly says ‘he is not alive.’  Jamie sweetly comforts her and Claire notices that little Jamie has zero dysfunction issues so she jumps away.  They exchange a few words, and (sigh…..) Jamie grabs his big sword by the handle and leaves the room.

Hours later, Mrs. Fitz wakes Claire up rom-com style, whipping back the curtains and shouting her out of bed.  She must go meet ‘Himself’ but first she must eat some broth.  Claire’s hair is a giant rat’s nest just like my little sister’s used to look if I’m being honest. She has two sips and Mrs. F snatches it away.  No wonder she’s skinny, she’s only had around 30 calories in 72 hours. Mrs. F starts to undress her though she’s confused by Claire’s Cross Your Heart bra but Claire lies and passes it off as ‘French’ (I’ve noticed they get blamed for a lot of stuff that’s not really their fault).

Meme-FrenchBrassiere

If it was me, I would’ve kept the bra for the next 20+ years, washing it in Woolite and clutching it to myself while I slept because it’s not like you can buy another one at the local Target.  A fascinating Disney Channel clothing montage ensues as Claire is dressed in around 17 layers of gorgeous clothing which weigh more than a Kevlar vest.  She even straps on a giant fake inner tube thing that looks like a Kardashian butt which cannot be comfortable.  I guess men have always liked big butts and they cannot lie. Also, I notice Claire is all gorgeous dewiness without make up and then I remember life is not fair. 😦

Claire is escorted to Colum’s office/birdhouse and his legs are worse than I pictured and I wonder if it’s prosthetics, CGI or a combo.  Colum practically shines a light in her eyes and questions her ‘Film Noir’ style.  Claire conveniently flashes back to Frank’s Youtube Instructional Video titled ‘How to Survive Time Travel Interrogation Under Duress’Colum questions the validity of her ‘almost being raped by Black Jack story’ and Claire counters with a haughty “Is there ever a GOOD reason for rape Master MacKenzie?”  She receives his promise she can leave in 5 days with a tinker who will take her to Inverness. “What’s a tinker and I can last 5 days” Claire thinks as she steps jauntily outside and into the most beautiful lighting God ever shone on planet Earth.  She looks down to see Dougal playing with his, I mean, Colum’s son Hamish.

Claire enters the Hall, which reminds me of the original La Madeleine French restaurant in Austin only better, with her boobies pushed up so high it hurts.  (This reminds me that I’m home for the night and I remove MY bra from underneath my clothing and hang it over the side of my chair.)  I’m relieved she will finally get a decent meal, but instead she falls for the oldest trick in the book and knocks back enough booze to kill a donkey and cannot keep her yap shut.  I love the wineglasses and make a note to search for equivalent at Crate and Barrel.  Dougal and Colum have a ‘discussion’ about whether Jamie should stay in the stables or the castle.  Meanwhile, Claire stumbles out of the Hall and off stage where she probably vomits into a vintage metal bucket though I’m just guessing.

Next morning Claire dresses in another gorgeous outfit and heads to the kitchen where she declines Mrs. F’s offer to heat up some porridge which makes me wonder if Mrs. F has a medieval microwave stashed somewhere.  She heads out carrying a basket of goodies like Little Plaid Riding Hood to find young Jamie in the stables.  Jamie and Claire sit on a blanket, and he shovels in food like a teamster and she pretends to eat.  After lunch, Jamie stands to leave, then bravely squats down facing the camera to say one last thing and I swear I can hear women screaming across the world, their squeels echoing through hills and valleys then across the oceans and into outerspace.

MemeHauldYourWheest

Rupert, the house detective, is waiting for her.  He explains he’s Dougal’s eyes and tomorrow Angus will be trailing her and Angus smells bad and fornicates with animals so she should count her blessings.  I love Rupert!  He’s like our friend from high school who still lives in his parents’ basement and never works, but we love hanging out with him cuz he’s so damn fun!  Claire stomps into the castle and confronts Dougal and mentions she’s leaving in 4 days.  What a dope.

The next day or day after (I’m losing track!) she gets dressed cramming what looks like a disposable air conditioning filter (what is that thing?) down her dress as she heads to the garden and meets Geillis Duncan who is intelligent, wise cracking and looks like she’s made out of glass. She invites Claire to come visit sometime.

Bagpipes play as Colum sits on a throne and listens to his tenants’ problems (‘he stole my cows’ and such).  Claire stands with Geillis who’s her Gaidhlig to English translator.  Next up is Laoghaire whose Dad says she’s a ho and the menfolk decide to beat the crap out of her.  Jamie decides to take her punishment because he’s noble and I really wish he wouldn’t.  The beating begins and it’s all fun and games til Rupert sucker punches his shoulder.  Later, Claire patches up Jamie when Mrs. F arrives with her potions and says ‘thanks yo, Leghair is my granddaughter’.  She does not bring leeches which I was looking forward to, but I guess they weren’t in the budget.  Claire tells Jamie, she’s hitting the road in two days and he can take his own bandage off, bye Felicia.  He takes the news like a champ and they begin to look meaningfully at each other when Leghair peers around the corner at him. Claire leaves and Jamie looks at Leeeery and lets out a deep sigh.

Tinker’s here (turns out he’s like a mobile 7-11) and Claire’s bags are packed and she’s ready to go.  Dougal’s all ‘hold up little filly’ and takes her to see Colum who breaks the bad news.  ‘You’re here to stay. This room is the Minor Emergency Dungeon, the doctor is in and it’s you’.

Poor Claire.  Poor Jamie.  Poor us! When will we get to see some Clamie kisses?  I hope soon, and I wish yet again, that I was able to binge watch this show instead of waiting week to week.

The Numbness Is Wearing Off and I’m Asking Why America? Why? Why? Why?

1) The numbness is wearing off and I’m looking around at what’s left of America.
2) Was it always this racist?
3) How did I miss that?
4) Why did I spend so much time befriending Republicans?
5) Because I live in Texas and that’s mostly all there was.
6) My Republican friends are some of the kindest people in the world and they voted for this.
7) I love them, but may never talk to them again. So sue me.
8) Trump loves to sue people.
9) Don’t sue me, I need to save my money.
10) I don’t have much money.
11) We’re nearing retirement, but the first crash took all our money.
12) My husband lost his job and we had to cash out the rest.
13) He’s in his 60’s and will work forever.
14) We were counting on Social Security that we’ve paid into for a combined 80 years.
15) Social Security will vaporize.
16) I’m so worried for my children.
17) I’m so worried for my grandchildren.
18) Will I even have grandchildren?
19) Will there even be a planet?
20) Because Trump has the nukes.
21) God help us. Trump. Has. The. Nukes.
22) Speaking of God…
23) Where do I go to church?
24) My church is filled with Trump supporters.
25) They are the nicest people in the world.
26) I’m NOT kidding.
27) Did they not read the fine print?
28) I still love them.
29) I don’t respect them.
30) I’m grieving about that.
31) TRULY. Grieving. About That.
32) I taught Sunday school for 15 years.
33) I have nowhere to go.
34) I have NOWHERE to go.
35) Why ‘christians’ why?
36) I can’t stop sobbing about this.
37) It’s the worst betrayal.
38) Would black people welcome me in their church?
39) Why should black people welcome me in their church?
40) I wouldn’t welcome me in their church.
41) Do we need secret handshakes?
42) I’m not kidding.
43) LIBERAL white people need a signal to show that we’re a safe place.
44) Not ALL white people.
45) Just SOME white people.
46) I’m terrified for African Americans.
47) I’m terrified for Muslims.
48) I’m terrified for the disabled.
49) I’m terrified for LBGQT.
50) I’m terrified for women.
51) I’m a victim of sexual assault/sexual harassment in the workplace.
52) I reported it.
53) I was threatened with job loss.
54) I shut up because I needed work.
55) What about health care?
56) What about pre-existing conditions?
57) I have pre-existing conditions.
58) I am so screwed.
59) What about my gay friends who’ve been with their spouses for 30 years?
60) Are their marriages invalidated?
61) Invalidated is a long word.
62) Why do Trumpers hate long words?
63) Why are their SM rants filled with spelling errors?
64) Why are their SM rants filled with punctuation errors?
65) Why are they so angry?
66) Trump Whites have it ALL.
67) Trump Whites HAD it all.
68) Trump Whites are getting ready to lose it all.
69) Why? Why? Why?
70) I’m afraid to publish this
71) I’m afraid to publish this in America.
72) America!
73) I’m a middle-aged, white lady in America and I’m afraid.
74) I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.
75) God. Help. Us. All.

PS  A message to the Trump supporters: Your misspelled, poorly punctuated hate is being laughed at and deleted. You’ve just proven numbers 63, 64 & 65.

Warning: This is not a funny blog. My experiences with Good ‘Ol Boy Assault & Molestation in the Workplace. #NeverTrump

Like many women, I have been watching the Trump campaign self-implode after the Billy Bush on the Bus video came to light.  I was appalled as most of you were and in the days that followed have been overwhelmed with memories that I thought were long shoved down and erased.  I am completely freaked out by the women and men who think this is acceptable behavior because it’s not.  It contributes to the rape/assault/molestation culture in America although I’m sure there are many people who will say it does not.

Many men and some women don’t think this is a common occurrence or a problem.  Almost every woman I know has come forward with at least one story of being molested, assaulted or raped.  My heart breaks for all of us knowing how much pain and suffering is out there that has gone unpunished.  Their stories have made me weep. Mine are in many ways mild in comparison but have still left a scar.

Here are my stories:

1) At a very young and naive age 16, my mother took me to see a very well-known singer-songwriter whose name would be familiar to you all.  After the performance, they let approximately 50 hand-picked people go through a receiving line.  I was so excited for this honor, I was trembling.  When we got to him, my mother was first and he shook her hand.  I went next and put my hand out to shake his and he yanked me to him with one hand, grabbed my breast with the other and shoved his tongue in my mouth.  I pulled back, screamed ‘Yuk’, started rubbing my mouth with the back of my hand as he and his entourage laughed.  My mother pulled me away and we left with me crying all the way home.

2) Two years later, I was attending college in Boston and riding the subway to my internship.  It was very crowded with people shoved together, randomly bumping each other.  Suddenly a hand reached up my dress and into my underwear.  I screamed, pulled away and looked behind me.  No one was looking at me, so I had no way of knowing who did it. I quickly worked my way through the crowd to the other end of the subway.  From then on, I walked the 1 1/2 miles to work every day.

3)  Several years later, I had my first television network job.  A former NFL player, now football analyst sometimes worked in the building.  The first time I encountered him, he yelled ’Nice tits. What’s your bra size?’ The men around him laughed like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard.  From then on, whenever he was in the building, he would look for me and try to grab my breasts, always yelling something obscene when he did it.  I went to my immediate boss who said he couldn’t do anything.  I went to the Sr. Vice President of my Department.  His response was to shout in my face saying ‘stay the Fuck away from the talent or you’ll lose your job.  Get the fuck out of my office.’

4)  One of my girlfriends was dating a Producer at this network and we all went out to dinner together.  As it got later and darker and I was tired and wanted to go home, she asked him to walk me to my car because it wasn’t safe that late at night.  We walked outside together, making small talk (I didn’t know him that well) and when we got to my car, he grabbed me from behind, turned me around, shoved me against the car, grabbing my body and shoving his tongue in my mouth.  By the way, this man is now a well-respected Network Vice President.

5) When I moved to Texas and worked at an ABC affiliate, a call went around the station late one afternoon to find someone who who could ride horses. It was rodeo time and they were bringing horses around to all the tv stations as a way to create publicity. I was the only available person who could ride, the problem was, that day I was wearing a skirt.  They said not to worry, they wouldn’t shoot anything until I was on the horse. I went to the horse and sort of shimmied my skirt up my thighs and got my foot in the stirrup. I looked over at the camera operator and he was pointing the camera at me.  I told him to turn the camera away. He said he wasn’t shooting me, he was checking the light and to hurry up because they needed the footage and he had to go on another story. I stupidly believed him and flung my leg over the horse.  We shot the video of me riding around in the grassy area behind the parking lot. The next day, he copied and distributed 5 tapes of me that he’d shot up my dress, with my legs apart when I’d gotten on the horse.  Guess who got in trouble? Me. For being naive and reporting a nice and well-liked guy to HR rather than going along and being a good sport. To this day, people say what a great guy he is and shake their heads at me when I mention it. So I’ve stopped mentioning it.

6)  These are just the stories that pop into my head right now, but I’m positive there are many more. In fact, I just remembered another one, but I’m mentally exhausted from thinking about this and don’t want to share any more stories.  I’m only sharing now because if it can help save one woman from this crap, or from feeling alone, I’m willing to throw myself out there for ridicule and for the deniers to come at me.

You know what ladies?  We shouldn’t have to go along and be good sports.  This shouldn’t happen to women.  Until now I didn’t realize how often it happens to other women and now I’m pissed at myself for keeping it quiet all these years.  People ask me all the time why I wear my clothing a size too big. Well this is the reason.  Self-fucking preservation.  I do want to apologize for how poorly written this is, I’m sure there are grammatical and spelling errors but oh well, I don’t feel like editing myself because I’m exhausted by it all.

PS I will NEVER understand how ANY woman could vote for Donald Trump, because this is EXACTLY who he is and this is EXACTLY what he’s done many times.

104 #Sam Heughan Thoughts featuring Davie Hollywood, Driver Extraordinaire; My Daughter, Grace & Carly Brown, the Scottish National Poetry Slam Champ.

A zillion years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘My Top 10 Thoughts When I See Sam Heughan.’ (I’ll put the link at the end.) I thought it was time to update my thoughts. This time it’s more than 10. It’s 104. Geez

1.  What a fine young man.
2.  Who uses that expression?
3.  My dead Aunt Ruth, that’s who.
4.  I’m as old as her when I thought she was really old.
5.  She used a cane.
6.  What was I talking about?
7.  Oh yes, that fine young man, Sammy Heughan.
8.  I probably shouldn’t call him Sammy.
9.  He seems to have lovely manners and that doesn’t happen by accident.
10. His mom must be so proud.
11. My Aunt Ruth would pinch his cheeks.
12. The other cheeks.  The ones on his face.
13. You all have dirty minds.
14. When he’s in character he is SO flippin hot.
15. He must exercise all the time.
16. I should’ve kept up with my fitness regime after I had kids.
17. But I didn’t.
18. I did My Peak Challenge.
19. I did it quietly.
20. I don’t do anything quietly.
21. This time I did.
22. I lost 40 pounds.
23. How the F did I do that?
24. I’m proud of myself.
25. I’m proud of all the My Peak Challenge Ladies
26. It would’ve been cool if Sam had married my daughter.
27. But she’s in love with someone else and she’s never met Sam.
28. She lives in Utah.
29. Utah is too far away.
30. Sometimes I miss her so much I think I’ll go nuts.
31. If she married Sam, they would’ve had bagpipes at their wedding.
32. If she marries Red Jake, I’ll beg her to have bagpipes, but she’s not engaged.
33. I wonder if Red Jake is Scottish.
34. He’s a ginger after all.
35. Maybe I’ll get them DNA testing for Christmas.
36. I wonder how much time Sam gets off for Christmas.
37. Probably a month.
38. He has a grueling schedule.
39. Thank God he has Davie Hollywood to drive him everywhere.
40. I wonder if Sam sleeps in the car on the way to work.
41. I wonder if Davie puts a blankie on him and tucks a teddy bear next to his face?
42. Probably not.
43. He probably just lets him sleep.
44. When they get to work, I wonder if Davie slaps him in the face or just gently wakes him up?
45. I’m going with ‘gently wakes him up.’
46. It would be funny if Sam had to punch a time clock.
47.  Like the ones in factories in WW II where they built airplanes.
48.  I’m sure he doesn’t.
49.  That would be funny though.
50.  I would’nt want to sit still for four hours while someone put scar make-up on my back.
51.  I wonder if he practices his lines while they’re doing that.
52. I can hardly sit still to have my hair cut.
53. He has so much patience.
54. How does he memorize all those lines?
55. I read that some old-timey actors wrote dialogue on their hands.
56. When I was in the play Bye Bye Birdie, I left weird notes on the set so my co-star would find them mid-performance.
57. He stayed in character.
58. But his eyes were laughing.
59. I bet Sam misses theatre.
60. All actors miss theatre.
61. It’s terrifying and wonderful.
62. Like my honeymoon.
63. Just kidding.
64. I like to use that reference.
65. I slept through my honeymoon.
66. I was tired.
67. I drank too much at my wedding.
68. And didn’t eat.
69. I wonder what Sam eats?
70. Probably protein bars.
71. I bet he unwraps them first.
72. He’s very manly.
73. I bet he could digest paper.
74. But who’d want to do that?
75. Why does my mind wander so much?
76. I bet it’s cuz I’m a Gemini.
77. Not because I’m old.
78. Let’s go with that.
79. Sam’s not old.
80. Sam is hot.
81. It always comes back to that.
82. He’s a brilliant actor.
83. I hope he gets an Emmy some day.
84. I wonder if he’s being judged by his looks?
85. Women are judged by their looks.
86. It sucks.
87. He really is a brilliant actor.
88. He doesn’t miss a trick.
89. He and Cait have wonderful chemistry as Jamie and Claire.
90. I hated Chemistry class.
91. I hated ALL science classes.
92. In Europe you don’t have to study science if you’re an English major.
93. I know that cuz Texan, Carly Brown went to St. Andrews and she told me.
94. She’s the 2013 Scottish National Poetry Slam Champion. She’s getting her Ph.D. in Glasgow.
95. I wrote a blog about her.
96. She makes me proud.
97. She was an alarmingly alert baby.
98. Sam and his buddies should go see her perform in Glasgow.
99. Her poetry is hilarious. And socially relevant.
100. He’d laugh his ass off.
101. I’ve seen his ass.
102. I should exercise more.
103. I already said that.
104. Sam’s a fine young man…

samheughanrace

Sam Heughan, (Being Adorable) Great North Run

fullsizerender

Grace & Red Jake being weird.

daviehollywood

Davie Hollywood Being a Trusty Side-Kick in his Groovy Car

https://melissasobservations.com/2014/09/30/top-10-thoughts-when-i-see-sam-heughan/

 

What happens when my 29-year old son watches #Outlander episode ‘The Watch’ and acts like a wee loon.

 

My son’s work hours are weird cuz he works in TV news.  So he randomly had a rainy day off in the middle of the week and I was home so he says, ‘Let’s watch another episode of Outlander.  But I’m not gonna be funny, I just want to watch this time.’  Me: ‘Okay that sounds good.’  **Runs and gets a notebook.  Hides it by my side.**

The theme music starts and the melodious tones of Raya Yarbrough echo through the living room….’Billow and breeze, island and sees.’ 

Jake chimes in ‘Bilbo and brie, I like good cheese…’

Credits play.

Jake:  ‘Wow, that’s an expensive transition!  Lens flare!’

Jake:  (Reads all the credits with a weird Scottish accent, until I started laughing.)  ‘What?  Am I good at it?’

Me:  ’NO!’

Jake:  ‘Oh, look.’  They’re having sex again.

Jake in high cockney accent:  ‘Blimey!  Don’t touch the rock!’

McQuarrie holds a gun to Jamie’s head.

Jake:  He’s gotta use his Scottish kung-fu moves.  He could totally get outta that.  I learned that move in 4th grade karate.

McQuarrie puts the gun down and talks to Ian and Jenny.

Jake:  ‘Really?  All that tensions and it’s all LOL, JK.  If this was Game of Thrones, they’d put the gun straight up his ass and set it on fire.’

Me:  ‘I’m so glad it’s not Game of Thrones.’

Jake: I thought his last name was Frasier, not McTavish.  Sings Frasier theme song: ‘Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.’

Sees McQuarrie’s clan pin.

Jake: ‘Is that like a merit badge?’  ‘I bet it’s for woodcarving. They made their own furniture back then.’ Laughs.

Jake:  (Looks at me) ‘I bet you like this show cuz of the sets and costumes.  You like that stuff.’

Robbie McNabb enters scene.

Jake:  “Should I assume that kid will get his ear hammered on that thing?’

The ‘Watch’ are knocking things over and set a hay wagon on fire.

Jake:  ‘Are those guys gonna cause ‘havoc?’  Good word, right?’  Laughs.

A dog barks:

Jake:  ‘The original Lassie is totally dead by the way.’

Horrocks enters.

Jake:  ‘Is that guy Seamus or is he a pirate?’

Wee Jamie splashes Claire.

Jake:  ‘Oh crap, is that kid gonna get his ear nailed?’  ‘I’m glad that wasn’t my punishment when I was little.’

Jenny grabs her stomach and moans.

Jake: ‘Is that lady gonna have her baby?  Oh, her water broke!  Called it!’

Jenny’s labor continues….

Jake:  ‘Why hasn’t she had the baby yet?  Can she just resquirt water up there?  How does that whole thing work?’

Jake (about Jenny)  ‘That actress is hot.  I’ll give her a real baby.’

Me:  ‘She’s pregnant in real life.’

Jake:  ‘Does she have a sister?’

Jamie and Ian are talking.

Jake:  ‘That guy’s leg looks like a bicycle pump.  Is he a pirate?’

Ian to Jamie:  ‘What will you do about Horrocks?’

Jake shouts:  ‘Kill em dog!’ ‘Roll up on em gangsta style!’

Claire in the bedroom talking to Jamie:  ‘It’s me that’s let you down. I can’t have children.’

Jake:  ‘It coulda been that other husband.  He’s already a huge pussy. This would just be one more nail in the coffin.’

Jamie’s waiting outside for Horrocks.

Jake in a deep voice:  “Hey man, you got da stuff?’  Dude!  Blast him with your street justice?  No wait….is it gonna be Claire?  Why would he sneak out to meet Claire?’  No!  It’s the pirate!’

And then he stopped talking and kept watching.  When we watch Outlander together, I never know how much he’s going to say and how long it’ll last, but I always know he’s good for a few laughs.  Until next time folks!

Lord John Grey Announced! Heughan, Dresbach & Steele Respond! I like exclamation points!!!

Outlander Starz today announced the casting of Australian actor David Berry as Lord John Grey causing formerly dead ovaries to re-launch and breasts to move to the auto lactate zone in a phenomenon reported by the AMA and other Medical Associations around the world.  NASA is also looking into possible connections with tidal flow interference along with planet rotational hijinks although that’s just a ‘working theory’ according to their spokesperson.

Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.52.56 PM

Sam Heughan who’s hard at work shooting Season 3 of Outlander was reached on set and bellowed, ‘Jesus H Roosevelt Christ’, this new guy’s right hunky and God willing can finally take the heat off me. ‘Somebody find Davie Hollywood and tell him to skedaddle out for a $hit TON of donuts, give some to the cast and crew and save SEVEN boxes for me! Also, cancel my morning work-out cuz the big guy’s sleeping in!’  Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.44.12 PM

Costume Designer, Terry Dresbach announced a contingency plan which involves placing expandable fabric inserts into Heughan’s costumes to allow for ‘celebratory girth’ and Production Designer, Jon Gary Steele (who never seems to use his first name but continues to hang onto it for some reason) immediately ordered carpenters to widen doors on the sets and said, ‘we plan for these types of things, so no need for panic!’ although his voice rose sharply at the end of the sentence so it’s anyone’s guess what that’ll do to budgets.

Here’s a paparazzi snap from behind the scenes of Heughan taken this week. It looks like someone pulled a ripcord on an inflatable raft!!!

Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.43.09 PM

But now back to a few actual truths vs. the drivel I’ve been pawning off in the previous 4 paragraphs.  David Berry, a hunkalicious Australian, IS the actor now known as Lord John Grey and according to his IMDB page, he was a singer and violinist in his early years (Holy crap, me too. For realzies!!) .  He later studied at the NIDA (National Institute of Dramatic Arts) and graduated in 2010 where it looks like he immediately booked lots of gigs due to his acting skill, experience and the aforementioned hunkiness.  You can check out his page here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4885081/Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.54.38 PM

Them’s slim pickins kids, but that’s all we know right now except that with a tiny bit of on-line digging, I’m sure we can find lonely lasses whining that he’s not blond enough, doesn’t have an ‘aquiline nose’ or other such yammerings.  But as for myself and the other 99% sane Outlander viewers, there’s nothing but happiness, rainbows and smooth sailing ahead with today’s announcement.

Note:  The first four paragraphs are humor or ‘parody’ as it’s sometimes known.  No harm is meant or implied.  Void where prohibited.  If you have an erection that lasts more than three hours, please contact your doctor or the Guinness Book of World Records. Namaste.