#Outlander, Epi 305, Mini Re-cap, ‘So Many Secrets and Let’s Find Jamie.’

Dr. Randall is showing the men how it’s done in the O. R. at the same time Brianna is at Harvard and we learn she’s failing and her dad’s friend wants to know what’s wrong. She declines to elaborate. BriannaCollege_meme

Dr. Joe [who is EXACTLY the Dr. Joe in my brain], as the Casting on this show uses crystal balls, knows something’s going on with Claire and thinks it has to do with a man, so he goes all Columbo on her to try to find out what’s up but she gives him a VERY abridged version .

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Back in Boston, Roger ‘Bad Timing’ Wakefield, arrives at the brownstone just in time to hear the Randall women going at it yet again. God bless him for his persistence though.  Claire’s losing her shizzle because Brianna’s dropping out of school.  After a very brief hello, Bree storms out and Roger tells Claire he solved the mystery she has worked on for 20 years and found Jamie and instead of thanking him she goes a little bit nutty.  RogerConfused_meme

Meanwhile back at the hospital, Dr. Joe Abernathy shows Claire a female skeleton which she senses is a murder victim from over 150 years ago. She also tells Joe that the Scottish Mystery Man is Bree’s father.  Bree invites Roger to Harvard where they’re honoring Frank with a Fellowship. Frank’s sidepiece Sandy gives Claire a ‘what for’ and takes off and I feel bad for all of them although the mistress should never confront the widow cuz it gives everybody the ickies. Claire tells Brianna the truth about Sandy. Then she tells her that Roger found Jamie and Brianna tells her to go back to him.

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The hospital staff are watching the Apollo 8 Mission to the Moon as Claire thinks about her journey that went even farther. Bree and Claire soul search about whether she should go to Jamie and the fact that they may never see each other again.  Brianna tells her to go back and tell Jamie she’s alive and my Grinch heart grows 3 sizes more and I can’t take much more of this cuz I’ve got a daughter too. Claire is afraid that Jamie may have forgotten her and not love her and Brianna assures her he’ll never forget.

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Claire asks Joe if she’s attractive…sexually and he asks if it’s a trick question.  He tells her she’s ‘skinny, white broad with too much hair and a great ass’ and I think he’s pretty fabulous and now I love him and have begun planning our imaginary wedding.

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The little Christmas elves Brianna and Roger buy Claire some antique money, a Scottish history book and a topaz necklace.  She’s taking scalpels and Penicillin and she sews a dress out of raincoats and I think it’s such a frakkin brilliant idea, I’m inspired to make a home-made Emmy out of my son’s old baseball trophy and a Tammy doll (not Barbie!) and mail it to Terry Dresbach in Scotland to go along with the real one she already has. I also wonder if they blindfolded one of the regular seamstresses so the dress wouldn’t look too good.

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Claire examines herself in the mirror and is unhappy with her grey streaks so she calls on her friend Miss Clairol to help a girl out.  Claire gives Ellen’s pearls to Brianna and I’m starting to sniffle.  Brianna and Roger exchange gifts and he looks at her with unmasked love and I get why everyone’s all hot and bothered over Richard Rankin.  Yup, he’s hot.

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Claire exits a Boston taxi but its really a Scottish carriage, a nice homage to the beginning of Season 2 and the airplane exit to Jamie’s hand. She heads down the cobblestone street towards Carfax Close and the nearer she gets, the harder my heart pounds and I reach for a box of Kleenex and try to remind myself it’s just a tv show but my heart forgets.  As the bell tinkles on the Print Shop door, I’m terrified that the episode will end but NO, God and Ron Moore love us and the scene continues.  Jamie’s voice calls out to Geordie and Claire answers that it’s her. His body stills and he slowly turns and looks up at her and I can’t believe it’s happening(!) and then he faints just like the book and Claire’s expression is  wonderfully shocked and the episode ends.

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This episode, in my opinion, was just about as perfect as it gets, but this show is just about as perfect as it gets, so it’s hard for me to tell which episodes are the best.  What I do know is that it’s the best show on television and I’m thrilled to be able to see it.

PS  The sets, music and set decoration have been COMPLETELY BRILLIANT this season but there’s no place to put it in the re-cap but I want to make sure I said it just in case an anvil falls on my head tomorrow.

Outlander Mini Re-cap, Epi 301, ‘We’ve All Got the Sadz and Who’s Your Daddy?’

Quick housekeeping note.  I’ll no longer be doing long re-caps on a steady basis for various reasons.  You can read about that here: 

https://melissasobservations.com/2017/09/06/until-we-meet-again-my-outlander-friends/

When the mood strikes, I may be writing mini-recaps that can be done quickly.  Here comes one now.

I understand the first six episodes will be divided between Jamie’s time in 1700’s Scotland and Claire’s time in late 1940’s through the 1960’s.  This episode flashed back between them and we open with Jamie in Culloden, a time the British should not be proud of.  There’s a lot of violence, waiting around, sadness and annoying people…not unlike my honeymoon. (Hey Prince Charles, ya big loser…)

We pop over to Boston where Frank #sigh and Claire check out an apartment that looks like my college dorm.  #ShoutOutToBeaconStreetYo  Claire is having difficulty keeping the stove lit, much less cooking on it.

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She decides to run out and buy some wood and cook in her fireplace.  She meets the neighborhood Chatty Cathy/Stepford Wife whose outlook depresses the hell out of me.

The highlanders are caught in the small house on the edge of Culloden Field where 99.9% of them meet their maker.  They contemplate making a run for it, but decide there’s no point.

Claire attends a Harvard faculty meeting with Frank and must subject herself to his boss, a blustering, pompous buffoon whose douchebaggery makes me carsick.  She bites her tongue and doesn’t poison his drink so I put this one down as a plus in the victory column.

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Back in Culloden, Jamie asks if anyone knows what happened to Murtagh.  (Please baby Jesus/Ron Moore, let him show up next season, I beg you.)  The British come into the house and let them know they’ll be killing them all.  Lord Melton, a.k.a. sibling of Lord John, is in charge of the murders.  Other than that, he seems like a nice guy Mrs. Lincoln

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Back in Boston, Claire springs it on Frank that she wants to become an American citizen.  The cozy breakfast conversation devolves into her throwing an ashtray at his head, something I’m not too proud to admit I’ve done before. #GeminiProblems

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We’re back at Culloden which = Murder and Sadness.  The British kill a bunch of innocent people and I’m getting cranky.

Frank is sleeping on the Castro Convertible when Claire hobbles out to say her water has broken.

In Culloden House, Lord Melton discovers his prisoner is JAMMF and he’s in a pickle because he can’t murder him since Jamie spared his brother’s life. They decide to stick him in a hay wagon and take him to Lallybroch. Poor Rupert is executed and I’m beside myself.  I’d hoped they might keep him alive since we all love him so much and I must remind myself it’s only a tv show.

 

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Frank and Claire hightail it to the hospital where she must endure another mysoginistic twit of a man who delivers the baby.  Side note: Most realistic labor I’ve ever seen.

Jamie wakes up and he’s at Lallybroch with Jenny and Ian over him.  Claire wakes up and Frank carries red-headed Brianna into the room. They kiss and make up. Frank is sweet.  I still want JAMMF.

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Until We Meet Again My #Outlander Friends…

For over 20 years I’ve been a fan of Diana Gabaldon’s Outlander books. When she announced a series was going to be made and that she and the actors would be at an event in Los Angeles, I did something completely out of the norm and immediately sent for tickets to the event which was eventually held at the Orpheum Theatre.  The representative told me I was the second person to ask for tickets and I was thrilled that I would meet Diana and the actors who would play Jamie and Claire.  As it turned out, the event was so large only a limited number of people would be allowed back stage to meet them and I did not make the cut.  I decided to make the most of it, make new friends and have a different adventure.  I was grateful I’d even been able to attend the event.

A month later, I wrote my first blog post.  The first few were straight forward and it was only later that I let my literary freak-flag fly.  I was amazed at the response I received from the public as I’d thought only a few girlfriends would even read it.

Fun facts about re-caps.  Each one takes me approximately two full days to write.  I watch the show once for pleasure.  The second time I take notes and screen cap photos.  Then I write the blog.  Then I edit it and start making the memes.  Then I put the entire thing together, watch the show once or twice more and make sure it’s as funny as it can be and make more edits.  I always keep it in the back of my mind that I need to get the re-caps out there as quickly as the media outlets who get advance screeners as many people contact me and ask me to hurry because they can’t wait to read them.

As a techno-dolt, it took me a while to learn WordPress, I’m still not a guru by any means, but one day I looked to see how many people were reading my re-caps and was blown away that the numbers were in the tens of thousands for many of the posts.  In addition to Twitter, I added a Facebook page and also posted my recaps on other Outlander fan pages that allowed it.  The numbers soared.

I have received hundreds of e-mail and direct messages from folks (mostly women) telling me that my re-caps are their favorites.  Some have even said they stumbled upon the re-caps first, then began watching the show. I have loved hearing from all of you (okay, not the random mean people and sickos, but the rest of you.)

I had hoped that eventually with these numbers, I would be given advance screeners or some kind of access, but no amount of asking Starz has yielded results.  Yet others who mock and belittle the series, actors and writers receive open access to everything.

So I’ve decided that Season Two will be my last season to re-cap the series. From time to time, I may do a meme, but it simply takes up too much of my life to continue.  I am forever grateful to all the folks I’ve met through the world of Outlander and I’m not going anywhere.  Myself and my snark will still be on Twitter several times a day ranting and raving about whatever topic strikes my fancy.  I love and respect so many of you and I felt that I owed you an explanation. Peace out.

Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Updated! Outlander Epi #2, or… How I Met Your Brother, Colum MacKenzie

The weary travelers arrive at Castle Leoch wearing old timey golf hats like the one my grandfather Mickey Maguire wore.  It’s the first day of school and everyone has a friend except Claire.  ‘Domestic Manager’ Mrs. Fitz happily greets the gang including Murtagh whom she tells ‘smells like shit’ thus eliciting his first smile of the season.  She then notices Claire and Jamie introduces her while distancing himself like a kid who doesn’t know why a stray dog followed him home.

Mrs. F tries to haul Claire into the house to feed and dress her but Claire wants to tend to Jamie’s bullet wound instead.   Upon discovering Claire’s a healer, Mrs. F  morphs from cuddly grandma to torch wielding Salem townsfolk  but then decides to drag Jamie inside to be taken care of.

I feel bad that Jamie was shot, but gosh darn that means he has to take his shirt off and Holy Objectification Batman, that. man. is. fine.  Jamie explains to Claire how he got his scars when that SOB Black Jack Randall whipped him.  Jamie has gone weeks without bathing but seems fresh as a daisy so I convince myself he snuck in 5 minutes for a hot bath, manscaping and teeth whitening before presenting his gorgeous ginger self to Claire.

Flashback and it’s the redcoats.  I admit I hit the mute button when they whipped Jamie and not just cuz my dog told me to.  I’ve been so excited to see Jenny who is one of my favorite characters and oh crap, Jack Randall has her.  I feel so bad for Jenny and I shout at the TV so she’s not afraid to go in the house because he has ‘dysfunction issues’.  Sadly, she does not appear to hear me.

Back to present.  Jamie tells Claire she has a gentle touch and her husband is a lucky man.  She begins to cry and awkwardly says ‘he is not alive.’  Jamie sweetly comforts her and Claire notices that little Jamie has zero dysfunction issues so she jumps away.  They exchange a few words, and (sigh…..) Jamie grabs his big sword by the handle and leaves the room.

Hours later, Mrs. Fitz wakes Claire up rom-com style, whipping back the curtains and shouting her out of bed.  She must go meet ‘Himself’ but first she must eat some broth.  Claire’s hair is a giant rat’s nest just like my little sister’s used to look if I’m being honest. She has two sips and Mrs. F snatches it away.  No wonder she’s skinny, she’s only had around 30 calories in 72 hours. Mrs. F starts to undress her though she’s confused by Claire’s Cross Your Heart bra but Claire lies and passes it off as ‘French’ (I’ve noticed they get blamed for a lot of stuff that’s not really their fault).

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If it was me, I would’ve kept the bra for the next 20+ years, washing it in Woolite and clutching it to myself while I slept because it’s not like you can buy another one at the local Target.  A fascinating Disney Channel clothing montage ensues as Claire is dressed in around 17 layers of gorgeous clothing which weigh more than a Kevlar vest.  She even straps on a giant fake inner tube thing that looks like a Kardashian butt which cannot be comfortable.  I guess men have always liked big butts and they cannot lie. Also, I notice Claire is all gorgeous dewiness without make up and then I remember life is not fair. 😦

Claire is escorted to Colum’s office/birdhouse and his legs are worse than I pictured and I wonder if it’s prosthetics, CGI or a combo.  Colum practically shines a light in her eyes and questions her ‘Film Noir’ style.  Claire conveniently flashes back to Frank’s Youtube Instructional Video titled ‘How to Survive Time Travel Interrogation Under Duress’Colum questions the validity of her ‘almost being raped by Black Jack story’ and Claire counters with a haughty “Is there ever a GOOD reason for rape Master MacKenzie?”  She receives his promise she can leave in 5 days with a tinker who will take her to Inverness. “What’s a tinker and I can last 5 days” Claire thinks as she steps jauntily outside and into the most beautiful lighting God ever shone on planet Earth.  She looks down to see Dougal playing with his, I mean, Colum’s son Hamish.

Claire enters the Hall, which reminds me of the original La Madeleine French restaurant in Austin only better, with her boobies pushed up so high it hurts.  (This reminds me that I’m home for the night and I remove MY bra from underneath my clothing and hang it over the side of my chair.)  I’m relieved she will finally get a decent meal, but instead she falls for the oldest trick in the book and knocks back enough booze to kill a donkey and cannot keep her yap shut.  I love the wineglasses and make a note to search for equivalent at Crate and Barrel.  Dougal and Colum have a ‘discussion’ about whether Jamie should stay in the stables or the castle.  Meanwhile, Claire stumbles out of the Hall and off stage where she probably vomits into a vintage metal bucket though I’m just guessing.

Next morning Claire dresses in another gorgeous outfit and heads to the kitchen where she declines Mrs. F’s offer to heat up some porridge which makes me wonder if Mrs. F has a medieval microwave stashed somewhere.  She heads out carrying a basket of goodies like Little Plaid Riding Hood to find young Jamie in the stables.  Jamie and Claire sit on a blanket, and he shovels in food like a teamster and she pretends to eat.  After lunch, Jamie stands to leave, then bravely squats down facing the camera to say one last thing and I swear I can hear women screaming across the world, their squeels echoing through hills and valleys then across the oceans and into outerspace.

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Rupert, the house detective, is waiting for her.  He explains he’s Dougal’s eyes and tomorrow Angus will be trailing her and Angus smells bad and fornicates with animals so she should count her blessings.  I love Rupert!  He’s like our friend from high school who still lives in his parents’ basement and never works, but we love hanging out with him cuz he’s so damn fun!  Claire stomps into the castle and confronts Dougal and mentions she’s leaving in 4 days.  What a dope.

The next day or day after (I’m losing track!) she gets dressed cramming what looks like a disposable air conditioning filter (what is that thing?) down her dress as she heads to the garden and meets Geillis Duncan who is intelligent, wise cracking and looks like she’s made out of glass. She invites Claire to come visit sometime.

Bagpipes play as Colum sits on a throne and listens to his tenants’ problems (‘he stole my cows’ and such).  Claire stands with Geillis who’s her Gaidhlig to English translator.  Next up is Laoghaire whose Dad says she’s a ho and the menfolk decide to beat the crap out of her.  Jamie decides to take her punishment because he’s noble and I really wish he wouldn’t.  The beating begins and it’s all fun and games til Rupert sucker punches his shoulder.  Later, Claire patches up Jamie when Mrs. F arrives with her potions and says ‘thanks yo, Leghair is my granddaughter’.  She does not bring leeches which I was looking forward to, but I guess they weren’t in the budget.  Claire tells Jamie, she’s hitting the road in two days and he can take his own bandage off, bye Felicia.  He takes the news like a champ and they begin to look meaningfully at each other when Leghair peers around the corner at him. Claire leaves and Jamie looks at Leeeery and lets out a deep sigh.

Tinker’s here (turns out he’s like a mobile 7-11) and Claire’s bags are packed and she’s ready to go.  Dougal’s all ‘hold up little filly’ and takes her to see Colum who breaks the bad news.  ‘You’re here to stay. This room is the Minor Emergency Dungeon, the doctor is in and it’s you’.

Poor Claire.  Poor Jamie.  Poor us! When will we get to see some Clamie kisses?  I hope soon, and I wish yet again, that I was able to binge watch this show instead of waiting week to week.

The Numbness Is Wearing Off and I’m Asking Why America? Why? Why? Why?

1) The numbness is wearing off and I’m looking around at what’s left of America.
2) Was it always this racist?
3) How did I miss that?
4) Why did I spend so much time befriending Republicans?
5) Because I live in Texas and that’s mostly all there was.
6) My Republican friends are some of the kindest people in the world and they voted for this.
7) I love them, but may never talk to them again. So sue me.
8) Trump loves to sue people.
9) Don’t sue me, I need to save my money.
10) I don’t have much money.
11) We’re nearing retirement, but the first crash took all our money.
12) My husband lost his job and we had to cash out the rest.
13) He’s in his 60’s and will work forever.
14) We were counting on Social Security that we’ve paid into for a combined 80 years.
15) Social Security will vaporize.
16) I’m so worried for my children.
17) I’m so worried for my grandchildren.
18) Will I even have grandchildren?
19) Will there even be a planet?
20) Because Trump has the nukes.
21) God help us. Trump. Has. The. Nukes.
22) Speaking of God…
23) Where do I go to church?
24) My church is filled with Trump supporters.
25) They are the nicest people in the world.
26) I’m NOT kidding.
27) Did they not read the fine print?
28) I still love them.
29) I don’t respect them.
30) I’m grieving about that.
31) TRULY. Grieving. About That.
32) I taught Sunday school for 15 years.
33) I have nowhere to go.
34) I have NOWHERE to go.
35) Why ‘christians’ why?
36) I can’t stop sobbing about this.
37) It’s the worst betrayal.
38) Would black people welcome me in their church?
39) Why should black people welcome me in their church?
40) I wouldn’t welcome me in their church.
41) Do we need secret handshakes?
42) I’m not kidding.
43) LIBERAL white people need a signal to show that we’re a safe place.
44) Not ALL white people.
45) Just SOME white people.
46) I’m terrified for African Americans.
47) I’m terrified for Muslims.
48) I’m terrified for the disabled.
49) I’m terrified for LBGQT.
50) I’m terrified for women.
51) I’m a victim of sexual assault/sexual harassment in the workplace.
52) I reported it.
53) I was threatened with job loss.
54) I shut up because I needed work.
55) What about health care?
56) What about pre-existing conditions?
57) I have pre-existing conditions.
58) I am so screwed.
59) What about my gay friends who’ve been with their spouses for 30 years?
60) Are their marriages invalidated?
61) Invalidated is a long word.
62) Why do Trumpers hate long words?
63) Why are their SM rants filled with spelling errors?
64) Why are their SM rants filled with punctuation errors?
65) Why are they so angry?
66) Trump Whites have it ALL.
67) Trump Whites HAD it all.
68) Trump Whites are getting ready to lose it all.
69) Why? Why? Why?
70) I’m afraid to publish this
71) I’m afraid to publish this in America.
72) America!
73) I’m a middle-aged, white lady in America and I’m afraid.
74) I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.
75) God. Help. Us. All.

PS  A message to the Trump supporters: Your misspelled, poorly punctuated hate is being laughed at and deleted. You’ve just proven numbers 63, 64 & 65.

Warning: This is not a funny blog. My experiences with Good ‘Ol Boy Assault & Molestation in the Workplace. #NeverTrump

UPDATE: I Thought this would be the end of Trump’s campaign. How I miss those days of naiveté.

Like many women, I have been watching the Trump campaign self-implode after the Billy Bush on the Bus video came to light.  I was appalled as most of you were and in the days that followed have been overwhelmed with memories that I thought were long shoved down and erased.  I am completely freaked out by the women and men who think this is acceptable behavior because it’s not.  It contributes to the rape/assault/molestation culture in America although I’m sure there are many people who will say it does not.

Many men and some women don’t think this is a common occurrence or a problem.  Almost every woman I know has come forward with at least one story of being molested, assaulted or raped.  My heart breaks for all of us knowing how much pain and suffering is out there that has gone unpunished.  Their stories have made me weep. Mine are in many ways mild in comparison but have still left a scar.

Here are my stories:

1) At a very young and naive age 16, my mother took me to see a very well-known singer-songwriter whose name would be familiar to you all.  After the performance, they let approximately 50 hand-picked people go through a receiving line.  I was so excited for this honor, I was trembling.  When we got to him, my mother was first and he shook her hand.  I went next and put my hand out to shake his and he yanked me to him with one hand, grabbed my breast with the other and shoved his tongue in my mouth.  I pulled back, screamed ‘Yuk’, started rubbing my mouth with the back of my hand as he and his entourage laughed.  My mother pulled me away and we left with me crying all the way home.

2) Two years later, I was attending college in Boston and riding the subway to my internship.  It was very crowded with people shoved together, randomly bumping each other.  Suddenly a hand reached up my dress and into my underwear.  I screamed, pulled away and looked behind me.  No one was looking at me, so I had no way of knowing who did it. I quickly worked my way through the crowd to the other end of the subway.  From then on, I walked the 1 1/2 miles to work every day.

3)  Several years later, I had my first television network job.  A former NFL player, now football analyst sometimes worked in the building.  The first time I encountered him, he yelled ’Nice tits. What’s your bra size?’ The men around him laughed like it was the funniest thing they’d ever heard.  From then on, whenever he was in the building, he would look for me and try to grab my breasts, always yelling something obscene when he did it.  I went to my immediate boss who said he couldn’t do anything.  I went to the Sr. Vice President of my Department.  His response was to shout in my face saying ‘stay the Fuck away from the talent or you’ll lose your job.  Get the fuck out of my office.’

4)  One of my girlfriends was dating a Producer at this network and we all went out to dinner together.  As it got later and darker and I was tired and wanted to go home, she asked him to walk me to my car because it wasn’t safe that late at night.  We walked outside together, making small talk (I didn’t know him that well) and when we got to my car, he grabbed me from behind, turned me around, shoved me against the car, grabbing my body and shoving his tongue in my mouth.  By the way, this man is now a well-respected Network President.

5) When I moved to Texas and worked at an ABC affiliate, a call went around the station late one afternoon to find someone who who could ride horses. It was rodeo time and they were bringing horses around to all the tv stations as a way to create publicity. I was the only available person who could ride, the problem was, that day I was wearing a skirt.  They said not to worry, they wouldn’t shoot anything until I was on the horse. I went to the horse and sort of shimmied my skirt up my thighs and got my foot in the stirrup. I looked over at the camera operator and he was pointing the camera at me.  I told him to turn the camera away. He said he wasn’t shooting me, he was checking the light and to hurry up because they needed the footage and he had to go on another story. I stupidly believed him and flung my leg over the horse.  We shot the video of me riding around in the grassy area behind the parking lot. The next day, he copied and distributed 5 tapes of me that he’d shot up my dress, with my legs apart when I’d gotten on the horse.  Guess who got in trouble? Me. For being naive and reporting a nice and well-liked guy to HR rather than going along and being a good sport. To this day, people say what a great guy he is and shake their heads at me when I mention it. So I’ve stopped mentioning it.

6)  These are just the stories that pop into my head right now, but I’m positive there are many more. In fact, I just remembered another one, but I’m mentally exhausted from thinking about this and don’t want to share any more stories.  I’m only sharing now because if it can help save one woman from this crap, or from feeling alone, I’m willing to throw myself out there for ridicule and for the deniers to come at me.

You know what ladies?  We shouldn’t have to go along and be good sports.  This shouldn’t happen to women.  Until now I didn’t realize how often it happens to other women and now I’m pissed at myself for keeping it quiet all these years.  People ask me all the time why I wear my clothing a size too big. Well this is the reason.  Self-fucking preservation.  I do want to apologize for how poorly written this is, I’m sure there are grammatical and spelling errors but oh well, I don’t feel like editing myself because I’m exhausted by it all.

PS I will NEVER understand how ANY woman could vote for Donald Trump, because this is EXACTLY who he is and this is EXACTLY what he’s done many times.

104 #Sam Heughan Thoughts featuring Davie Hollywood, Driver Extraordinaire; My Daughter, Grace & Carly Brown, the Scottish National Poetry Slam Champ.

A zillion years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘My Top 10 Thoughts When I See Sam Heughan.’ (I’ll put the link at the end.) I thought it was time to update my thoughts. This time it’s more than 10. It’s 104. Geez

1.  What a fine young man.
2.  Who uses that expression?
3.  My dead Aunt Ruth, that’s who.
4.  I’m as old as her when I thought she was really old.
5.  She used a cane.
6.  What was I talking about?
7.  Oh yes, that fine young man, Sammy Heughan.
8.  I probably shouldn’t call him Sammy.
9.  He seems to have lovely manners and that doesn’t happen by accident.
10. His mom must be so proud.
11. My Aunt Ruth would pinch his cheeks.
12. The other cheeks.  The ones on his face.
13. You all have dirty minds.
14. When he’s in character he is SO flippin hot.
15. He must exercise all the time.
16. I should’ve kept up with my fitness regime after I had kids.
17. But I didn’t.
18. I did My Peak Challenge.
19. I did it quietly.
20. I don’t do anything quietly.
21. This time I did.
22. I lost 40 pounds.
23. How the F did I do that?
24. I’m proud of myself.
25. I’m proud of all the My Peak Challenge Ladies
26. It would’ve been cool if Sam had married my daughter.
27. But she’s in love with someone else and she’s never met Sam.
28. She lives in Utah.
29. Utah is too far away.
30. Sometimes I miss her so much I think I’ll go nuts.
31. If she married Sam, they would’ve had bagpipes at their wedding.
32. If she marries Red Jake, I’ll beg her to have bagpipes, but she’s not engaged.
33. I wonder if Red Jake is Scottish.
34. He’s a ginger after all.
35. Maybe I’ll get them DNA testing for Christmas.
36. I wonder how much time Sam gets off for Christmas.
37. Probably a month.
38. He has a grueling schedule.
39. Thank God he has Davie Hollywood to drive him everywhere.
40. I wonder if Sam sleeps in the car on the way to work.
41. I wonder if Davie puts a blankie on him and tucks a teddy bear next to his face?
42. Probably not.
43. He probably just lets him sleep.
44. When they get to work, I wonder if Davie slaps him in the face or just gently wakes him up?
45. I’m going with ‘gently wakes him up.’
46. It would be funny if Sam had to punch a time clock.
47.  Like the ones in factories in WW II where they built airplanes.
48.  I’m sure he doesn’t.
49.  That would be funny though.
50.  I would’nt want to sit still for four hours while someone put scar make-up on my back.
51.  I wonder if he practices his lines while they’re doing that.
52. I can hardly sit still to have my hair cut.
53. He has so much patience.
54. How does he memorize all those lines?
55. I read that some old-timey actors wrote dialogue on their hands.
56. When I was in the play Bye Bye Birdie, I left weird notes on the set so my co-star would find them mid-performance.
57. He stayed in character.
58. But his eyes were laughing.
59. I bet Sam misses theatre.
60. All actors miss theatre.
61. It’s terrifying and wonderful.
62. Like my honeymoon.
63. Just kidding.
64. I like to use that reference.
65. I slept through my honeymoon.
66. I was tired.
67. I drank too much at my wedding.
68. And didn’t eat.
69. I wonder what Sam eats?
70. Probably protein bars.
71. I bet he unwraps them first.
72. He’s very manly.
73. I bet he could digest paper.
74. But who’d want to do that?
75. Why does my mind wander so much?
76. I bet it’s cuz I’m a Gemini.
77. Not because I’m old.
78. Let’s go with that.
79. Sam’s not old.
80. Sam is hot.
81. It always comes back to that.
82. He’s a brilliant actor.
83. I hope he gets an Emmy some day.
84. I wonder if he’s being judged by his looks?
85. Women are judged by their looks.
86. It sucks.
87. He really is a brilliant actor.
88. He doesn’t miss a trick.
89. He and Cait have wonderful chemistry as Jamie and Claire.
90. I hated Chemistry class.
91. I hated ALL science classes.
92. In Europe you don’t have to study science if you’re an English major.
93. I know that cuz Texan, Carly Brown went to St. Andrews and she told me.
94. She’s the 2013 Scottish National Poetry Slam Champion. She’s getting her Ph.D. in Glasgow.
95. I wrote a blog about her.
96. She makes me proud.
97. She was an alarmingly alert baby.
98. Sam and his buddies should go see her perform in Glasgow.
99. Her poetry is hilarious. And socially relevant.
100. He’d laugh his ass off.
101. I’ve seen his ass.
102. I should exercise more.
103. I already said that.
104. Sam’s a fine young man…

samheughanrace

Sam Heughan, (Being Adorable) Great North Run

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Grace & Red Jake being weird.

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Davie Hollywood Being a Trusty Side-Kick in his Groovy Car

https://melissasobservations.com/2014/09/30/top-10-thoughts-when-i-see-sam-heughan/

 

What happens when my 29-year old son watches #Outlander episode ‘The Watch’ and acts like a wee loon.

 

My son’s work hours are weird cuz he works in TV news.  So he randomly had a rainy day off in the middle of the week and I was home so he says, ‘Let’s watch another episode of Outlander.  But I’m not gonna be funny, I just want to watch this time.’  Me: ‘Okay that sounds good.’  **Runs and gets a notebook.  Hides it by my side.**

The theme music starts and the melodious tones of Raya Yarbrough echo through the living room….’Billow and breeze, island and sees.’ 

Jake chimes in ‘Bilbo and brie, I like good cheese…’

Credits play.

Jake:  ‘Wow, that’s an expensive transition!  Lens flare!’

Jake:  (Reads all the credits with a weird Scottish accent, until I started laughing.)  ‘What?  Am I good at it?’

Me:  ’NO!’

Jake:  ‘Oh, look.’  They’re having sex again.

Jake in high cockney accent:  ‘Blimey!  Don’t touch the rock!’

McQuarrie holds a gun to Jamie’s head.

Jake:  He’s gotta use his Scottish kung-fu moves.  He could totally get outta that.  I learned that move in 4th grade karate.

McQuarrie puts the gun down and talks to Ian and Jenny.

Jake:  ‘Really?  All that tensions and it’s all LOL, JK.  If this was Game of Thrones, they’d put the gun straight up his ass and set it on fire.’

Me:  ‘I’m so glad it’s not Game of Thrones.’

Jake: I thought his last name was Frasier, not McTavish.  Sings Frasier theme song: ‘Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.’

Sees McQuarrie’s clan pin.

Jake: ‘Is that like a merit badge?’  ‘I bet it’s for woodcarving. They made their own furniture back then.’ Laughs.

Jake:  (Looks at me) ‘I bet you like this show cuz of the sets and costumes.  You like that stuff.’

Robbie McNabb enters scene.

Jake:  “Should I assume that kid will get his ear hammered on that thing?’

The ‘Watch’ are knocking things over and set a hay wagon on fire.

Jake:  ‘Are those guys gonna cause ‘havoc?’  Good word, right?’  Laughs.

A dog barks:

Jake:  ‘The original Lassie is totally dead by the way.’

Horrocks enters.

Jake:  ‘Is that guy Seamus or is he a pirate?’

Wee Jamie splashes Claire.

Jake:  ‘Oh crap, is that kid gonna get his ear nailed?’  ‘I’m glad that wasn’t my punishment when I was little.’

Jenny grabs her stomach and moans.

Jake: ‘Is that lady gonna have her baby?  Oh, her water broke!  Called it!’

Jenny’s labor continues….

Jake:  ‘Why hasn’t she had the baby yet?  Can she just resquirt water up there?  How does that whole thing work?’

Jake (about Jenny)  ‘That actress is hot.  I’ll give her a real baby.’

Me:  ‘She’s pregnant in real life.’

Jake:  ‘Does she have a sister?’

Jamie and Ian are talking.

Jake:  ‘That guy’s leg looks like a bicycle pump.  Is he a pirate?’

Ian to Jamie:  ‘What will you do about Horrocks?’

Jake shouts:  ‘Kill em dog!’ ‘Roll up on em gangsta style!’

Claire in the bedroom talking to Jamie:  ‘It’s me that’s let you down. I can’t have children.’

Jake:  ‘It coulda been that other husband.  He’s already a huge pussy. This would just be one more nail in the coffin.’

Jamie’s waiting outside for Horrocks.

Jake in a deep voice:  “Hey man, you got da stuff?’  Dude!  Blast him with your street justice?  No wait….is it gonna be Claire?  Why would he sneak out to meet Claire?’  No!  It’s the pirate!’

And then he stopped talking and kept watching.  When we watch Outlander together, I never know how much he’s going to say and how long it’ll last, but I always know he’s good for a few laughs.  Until next time folks!