Company’s coming and we’ve got to get the castle ready! You know who else is getting ready? Claire. She’s readying her escape route by learning the woods while playing with Hamish and the other Kastle Kids. Yep. She’s had enough and wants Frank and hot baths and some Sominex. You know who’s not happy? Angus and Rupert who’d rather stay inside and play video games, but instead have to keep following Claire. Time to distract her guards so Claire uses the oldest trick in the book. A woman. One guard distracted, one to go. Next stop? The stables to choose a gentle horse and they’re playing Big Band music again! My favorite!! And oh so perfect Mr. McCreary 🙂
Claire’s back at the Minor Emergency Dungeon and Geillis is there and she wants to play Twenty Questions. Are ye pregnant? Are ye barren? Is your husband dead? She knows something’s up and advises Claire to marry a man for his money and live the good life, Leoch style.
Mrs. Fitz sees Claire and tells her she must go to the Oath Taking and quickly finds another breathtaking gown for her to wear. These are sewn by castle mice who whip them up following their annual trip to Joann’s Fabric in Leochville. We see men gathering in the Hall and there’s Alfred Hitchcock, I mean Ronald D. Moore who looks quite dashing in his old timey outfit. Claire and Mrs. Fitz head up to the Mezzanine and Mrs. Fitz verbally assaults a very familiar woman implying the woman is an ‘outfit repeater’ by saying, “didn’t you wear that dress to the last Gathering?” The last Gathering was 30 years ago, so Mrs. Fitz is throwing shade like an oak tree. Interesting. The ceremony begins with Dougal kissing the ring of his brother Michael Corleone. Murtagh will be our translator today, but wait……the ‘outfit repeater’ does not like “movie talkers” and gives Murtagh a loud SHUSH!
Time for Claire to run away, but first she gets rid of Angus by tricking him into drinking some laced ‘port’.
She’s on her way but is immediately stopped by Leery who wants a love potion to win Jamie’s heart. It’s gonna take more than horse shite and tapping your heels three times to win his heart. She might start by developing compassion, being less self-absorbed and attending Junior College.
Claire’s out the door and is immediately assaulted by 3 drunken louts, then saved by Dougal, then assaulted by Dougal, then smashes a chair over Dougal’s head and runs for it. (Claire does more by 6am than most people do all day!) She runs for the stable where she trips over a sleeping Jamie who comes awake with his hard sword in his hand. Sadly for Claire (and for us) it really is just a ‘sword’. Jamie who’s quick on the uptake, surmises her plan faster than you can say “Season Two Is Confirmed!” and points out all the holes in her well-thought out escape. He chivalrously offers to take her back to her room and she casually mentions she might need to avoid Dougal due to her smashing him over the head with a chair and Jamie says, ‘Claire, sweetie, you buried the lead, that’s the best part of the story!’
Sadly for them, while returning Claire to her dungeon, Jamie gets smacked over the head (What is this, Friday night at the frat house?) and is whisked off to be dressed for his oath taking. All is not lost though, because we get to see him without a shirt and I know I shouldn’t be so happy about at that, but I’ve still got excellent vision and a pulse, so I AM! Jamie tells Claire he cannot take the oath and she asks him what his clan motto is and he says ‘Je suis Prest’ which is French for ‘my hot bod brings all the girls to the yard’ or possibly ‘I am ready’. So are we Jamie. So. Are. We.
Jamie enters the hall doing his left hand wiggle and approaches Colum and proceeds to lay on some Fred Astaire style verbal footwork that results in his family not killing him. MAN! This is one. tough. room. I’m rethinking attending my family’s barbecues because although they’re fraught with unspoken anger and regrets, so far no one has tried to kill me….that I know of. ‘Yay!’ shout the peasants, ‘they’re letting the ginger live!’ as they begin to frantically gyrate bringing Bruegel’s masterpiece “Peasant Wedding Dance” to life. (Note: If the costume designer, @TerryDresbach does not win an Emmy for this, I suggest we all write a stern letter to the authorities!)
Next day, Glenn Miller or similar is playing. It’s foggy, the men are unwashed, hungover and haven’t slept, yet they still seem to think it’s a good day for a boar hunt! Let’s arm ourselves to the teeth, take percussion instruments and go rile up some giant pigs! Soon blood is flowing and Claire’s running hither and yon with her Red Cross Kit, saving and berating as she goes. Unfortunately, it’s not Geordie’s week. Not only is his thigh sliced to his knee, but his stomach has opened up and resembles an Octoberfest horror show. Dougal steps up and joins Claire in sending Geordie to meet his maker in one of the most tender and realistic scenes we’ve yet witnessed. Can normal citizens nominate actors and actresses for Emmys? Is there a form we can find on-line?
Back at the castle, the remaining men are playing Shinty which is Gaidhlig for ‘field hockey with the option to murder your opponent’. Dougal’s had a bad week and decides to express all his feelz by beating the crap out of Jamie. May I take a moment to suggest yoga and anger management Mr. MacKenzie? Thankfully, our hero triumphs and does a karate flip which lands Dougal on his back. Cut and print.
Hey guys, do you think we could all just take a minute and enjoy some lattes by the fire? No? Fine. It doesn’t appear so, because Claire who is in desperate need of some ‘Me Time’ is interrupted in her dungeon by Dougal who tells her it’s time to Pack. Her. Bags. cuz, “ROAD TRIP’! I’m hoping next week we get to see more of Jamie because, well……he’s Jamie and we want him!