We begin this week as a joyous Frank and Claire walk toward a Registry Office as he surprises her with a civil wedding. We cut to Claire morosely staring at her mirrored reflection in a beautifully lit space comprised of reclaimed wood, rounded ceilings and vintage draped fabrics which, in short, looks like a Pinterest wet dream.
Jamie enters saying the loud wedding party downstairs will not be leaving until they know things have been made ‘official’. Camera pulls back to show Claire in an exquisite layered, shift/corset combo with her small bosoms pushed to painful heights reminding me how happy I am to live in the age of comfy, support bras.
Since it’s a day that ends with ‘Y’, Claire suggests a drink and our young groom makes a nervous toast. She knocks back her whiskey, which is held in the Crate & Barrel ‘Castle Leoch’ collection from previous episodes and asks for another. That one disappears and she asks for another. Jamie reassures her he won’t attack her anytime soon, while quickly scanning his mind for local AA meetings. Claire asks ‘why did you agree to marry me’? We fasten our seat belts for the first of many flashbacks as Ned Gowan explains Claire’s dangerous situation to Jamie and why she must be wed and immediately consummate the marriage with witnesses outside the door or even better standing over the marital bed taking notes on a clipboard like Master’s and Johnson.
Back in the present, they spend hours sitting together on the bed, filling out compatibility questionnaires, taking personality tests and sharing their astrological signs. Jamie has just put on Barry White’s first album, when our favorite comedy duo, Rupert and Angus, burst through the door to see if they’ve done the deed yet. Jamie shoves them out and Claire says, “It’s getting late and it’s time we go to bed.” Jamie’s face simultaneously registers suspicion/surprise/joy. “To bed or to sleep” he asks his sloshed bride as she stands and he begins undoing all her layers with a look of concentration usually reserved for pre-teens in study hall.
Some lovely heavy breathing ensues, and she asks him where he learned to kiss like that. He says, “I’m a virgin, not a monk, if I need guidance, I’ll ask” and promptly turns her around which slightly confuses her and all of us too. She turns to face him and he falls on her like a John Hughes movie and it’s over in fifteen seconds.
In the book he gives her a touching, tender speech about not wanting to hurt her and he will stop until he can’t, etc. In this version, he just ‘does it.’ #BookWhiner He chuckles and says it was pretty much like he thought except he didn’t know it was done face-to-face but thought it was done ‘the back way’ like Mr. Ed which is adorable and goes a long way to explain why he brought a saddle into the honeymoon suite.
He asks if she liked it and she looks sad and he looks disappointed and says pre-marital counselors Rupert, Ned & Murtagh warned him women don’t generally like it. She says she did like it and we learn via voice-over that she feels guilty due to her bigamous, adulterer status. She opens the door to go get food and the entire drunken clan who are still waiting downstairs cheer and shout helpful advice. She’s shocked and Jamie descends the stairs to fetch their dinner as the ribbing continues, Murtagh punches him affectionately and a moody Dougal says he should thank him for his marriage and sit down and visit. Jamie thanks him but declines to stay as all the fun is upstairs and he heads back to Claire for a midnight snack of bannocks and mixed signals.
We strap in for another flashback as Murtagh delivers a new kilt, which is really just a huge pile of lovely faded fabric, and worriedly explains he doesn’t want Jamie ‘prancing’ about in public with his red hair, wearing Fraser colors as he is a wanted man. Aw, Murtagh loves him. Jamie says he wants to make his mother proud of him on his wedding day and Murtagh assures him he will and that his mother had the sweetest smile and so does Claire. At these words, my Grinch heart grows to twice its normal size to accommodate all the rainbows and dancing unicorns.
Flashback #15: Jamie tells Dougal he will marry Claire with 3 conditions. He wants a church with a priest, a real wedding dress and a ring made of a key, thus deviating from the book. #BookWhiner He has a blacksmith make the ring from a key and my best guess is he’s carrying the key to Lallybroch in his Scottish Man Purse/Sporran and just before Christmas, Starz will start selling them cuz HOLY EPIC MINI SERIES Batman(!), huge shows of this size are not cheap! I’m appalled at this commercialism 😉 and make a note to drop hints so my husband will buy me one for Christmas if they become available as I really want it! We segue to Ned’s flashback where he buys her wedding gown from a whore house. We’ve all been waiting for the dress and it does not disappoint and is one of the loveliest creations I’ve ever seen. “How did you spend your day” he asks. “Drinking” answers Lindsay Lohan, I mean Claire, as we flashback to their first site of each other at the church where Jamie looks like the handsome Prince from my childhood dreams and Claire like a hungover, reluctant princess.
He bows before her, ‘your servant madam’ and the ‘aw’ sounds of a million women echo throughout the kingdom, womens’ breasts move to the auto-lactate mode and rockets fire into space. She ends the ceremony with a real kiss, thus giving him a glimmer of hope for the evening’s festivities.
It’s now very late, the practice ‘mmphm‘ is over, they’ve gotten to know one another and so begins the real part of the honeymoon as ‘Let’s Get It On” is played on bagpipes and Claire reaches under the bed for her worn out copy of the Kama Sutra and they successfully complete the first five chapters. Afterwards as Jamie collapses into a happy sleep, Claire heads downstairs, hopefully for water and not more booze, as she appears to weigh no more than 100 pounds and I worry about her liver. Dougal comes in and tells her he’s just come back from seeing Black Jack and she should be safe now. Just as we began to love him a little due to last week’s chivalry, he makes a course sexual suggestion as Rupert, relaxed and happily unaware, comes in from checking the horses, interrupts them and gives her a lovely congratulatory wish. As she heads back up to Jamie, Rupert mentions that she looks well ridden and Dougal blind sides him with a face punch. I’m gonna take a guess that Dougal’s feeling a bit conflicted right now.
Jamie wakes up as she comes in and places his mother’s Scotch pearls on her neck and says both the necklace and she are very precious to him. She sits in his lap and they ‘mmphm’ as she wraps them both in his plaid just as he did the first night they met. The next morning she shakes her dress and the wedding band from her boring marriage to her first husband falls out, she picks it off the floor, puts it on and stares at her hands, contemplating her fate.
I wonder how I will last until next week, but on the other hand I’m sad as it’s the end of the first half and we might have a long, cold winter ahead. I may very well be ruined after Outlander and must find a way to slowly re-enter polite society. #BeginsToContemplateSmallDinnerPartiesAndGameNights Who wants to come?
(Personal photo courtesy and property of author)