Preamble: (like the Constitution cuz I’m so classy)
Oh Scotland, you and your cold, rushing streams, craggy mountains and manly men, how I’ve missed you!
Jamie and the Mackenzies have met up with redcoat deserter, Horrocks, who is played by a rugged, hunky dude with a hot Irish accent. (I did NOT see that coming.) Sadly for Jamie we learn it was Black Jack Randall who killed the sergeant which will not help his cause. Willie gallops up to say Claire has been taken by the redcoats and Jamie and his buds take off to find her.
We’re Baaack and We’re Rescuing
We open with Jamie getting into his kilt, (minus all the rocking and rolling we’ve heard about) which is very interesting and (if I’m being honest) more than a little provocative. At Ft. William, it’s a dark and stormy night…suddenly a Scot pops out (it’s Murtagh!) and he puts a knife to a redcoat’s throat and drags him inside. Jamie says they will de-ball him if he doesn’t tell them where the Englishwoman is. He says BJR has her and Murtagh cracks me up when he sing/songs “thank you” and bonks him over the head knocking him out. Jamie does a Barney Fife style mouth whistle to signal Rupert and Angus (I’ve missed our friends!) and they emerge to help Murtagh. Jamie is creeping around corners like 007, Highlander Edition when a familiar looking Redcoat turns and looks toward the sea.
Bad news(!) Jamie must climb down a rope, attached to a rickety wooden contraption thing overhanging the sea to get to Claire. Good News: We immediately pick up where we left off with Jamie in the window and he’s finally able to get out of the squat he’s been holding for six months and apply Icy Hot to his knees. But first BJR is holding Claire with a knife to her throat and forces Jamie to surrender his gun. Then he makes lewd suggestions including a ‘Menage A’ Fraser’ which makes Jamies nostrils flare like a bull.
Suddenly BJR fires the pistol at Jamie (oops, it’s not loaded!) which momentarily distracts him and Jamie grabs him and smacks his head on the table like a weird broken puppet. I was hoping that Jamie and Claire might play Bouncy House and jump up and down on his prone body, but they don’t. Instead, they head down the stairs but are seen by redcoats who sound an alarm and alert the fort. Just when we think they’ll be shot, the Hiding Highlanders set off a load of C-4 and blow up the joint. Jamie and Claire escape by jumping into the sea.
The Highlanders have been riding for hours and they stop so Jamie and Claire can have ‘grown-up time’. He asks her if she’s planning to apologize and she looks at him like she’s been possessed by a demon and they begin battling it out like “War of the Roses”. Claire even calls for back-up and her angry and expressive chin enters the fray.
Spanky And Our Gang
It’s after dark and Rupert and Angus lead them into an Inn where the rest of the Mackenzie clan are waiting and our favorite duo regales the crowd with tales of the rescue. Claire tries to enter the conversation but she is shut down by the men and eventually goes up to bed. Murtagh/Dr. Phil reminds Jamie that as her husband it’s his duty to go upstairs and open a can of whoop ass on her.
Jamie enters the bedroom and reminds her that she disobeyed him and she must be punished. “If it was just me, I’d say no more about it, but since you involved the rest of the men, you’ll need to lift up your shift and let me do spanky-spank on you.” Our modern girl is having none of it, so instead they enter the ring and a regular WWE Smackdown ensues with Claire throwing in a kung-fu kick to his face for good measure. But since Jamie outweighs her by 80+ pounds, mostly muscle, he eventually administers the naughty spanky-spank which truthfully looks more like fun than punishment, but that might just be me. #Rawr The next morning the men tease her, but they are no longer angry.
Home Again, Home Again Jiggity Jig
They return to Leoch and the castle inhabitants have assembled to greet the newlyweds as Jamie and Claire awkwardly struggle to look happy. Colum and Letitia enter and Colum congratulates Claire and calls her Lady Broch Turach, which I’ve been mispronouncing in my head for 20 years, then glares at Jamie and leaves.
Tearful Laoghaire confronts Jamie in the hallway asking ‘why did you do it?’ and Mean Girl has a point. He says his marriage was arranged by Dougal (Oh NO you dittent, Jamie!) and he’s late for a meeting and they’ll talk later leaving her standing there with false hope and heaving bosoms.
Colum is not happy as he knows about the money raised for the Jacobites. Dougal argues that their cause is just and lists the deeds he’s done for his brother and the Clan which include:
1) Collecting rent
2) Enforcing the law while being handsome
3) Making wee Hamish with his cold sister-in-law.
Colum kicks Dougal and Ned out and confronts Jamie asking why he betrayed him by marrying the Sassenach knowing that none of the Clan will now support Jamie as Colum’s successor. Say what? I didn’t know that was even a thing! I thought the Order of Succession was Dougal, wee Hamish, Prince Harry then Mrs. Fitz due to her ‘Peacekeeping Through Moist Bannocks’ self-published and much adored treatise. Colum diffuses his anger by rubbing the plump belly of his chirping little bird. Jamie heads back to his room and smiles hopefully at his wife, but Claire tells him fuggedaboudit.
Rupert and Angus are bringing frontier justice to Leoch and manhandling poor Willie because he ratted them out to Colum. Dougal approaches and breaks it up and asks ‘who’s with me’? Most of the men are and they head off to kill some wee beasties.
Jamie and Womenfolk
Murtagh tries to convince Jamie to grab Claire and leave town saying they can live off the land. ‘Spoken like the unmarried man that ye are’ replies our hero. He may be a newlywed, but he’s not an idiot. Jamie goes to Colum with a Peace Plan like Jimmy Carter in the 70’s and it works as Colum returns the money to Dougal to pacify the MacKenzies.
We’re back with Jamie at the stream when Laoghaire approaches to have their little talk. She looks so pretty and sweet and tells him she’s loved him since she was 7-years old. Laoghaire offers up her luscious bazongas in a desperate Hail Mary Pass and Jamie who’s been sleeping on the family room futon is sorely tempted but instead chants ‘dead puppies, dead puppies’, dives into the cold water, jumps out and runs screaming into the woods.
Jamie goes back to the walk-in freezer he’s been sharing with Claire and bows before her and pledges his fealty promising to never do spanky-spank again while launching into the Bob Dylan song “Times They Are A-Changin” accompanying himself on the bongos. The iceberg Claire is encased in begins to melt and they commence having wild monkey, make-up sex on the floor which looks like a lot of fun, but I can’t help but think they rarely get a comfy bed and they need to use it while they can! The monkey sex is followed by a Post Coital Q & A which is as follows:
1) What does eff’ing mean?
2) What is a sadist?
3) Does anyone understand the end of “Lost” and were they really dead all along?
The Frasers are now back in love/lust and Jamie says he’ll head downstairs to grab some food when Claire pulls a Michael’s ‘crafting fail’ from under the bed. It turns out, it’s an ‘ill wish’ that promises harm or death to the person whose bed it’s underneath. Jamie thinks it might be from Laoghaire. Gee I wonder why? Men.
This episode was well worth waiting for and is my absolute favorite thus far! I can’t believe six months have passed and now we’re all back again on the endless ‘I Can’t Wait Till Next Saturday Night’ train. Hallloooo Starz! How about a binge watch????