As Outlander, Season 2 fast approaches, many of you are wondering, ‘What’s the procedure?’ Occasions as momentous as this require action. After extensive research, i.e. scratching my head and staring at the ceiling for a couple of hours, I’m happy to report I’ve assembled the 4-1-1 all in one place. You’re welcome ladies.
1) As you know the first half of Season 2 takes place in Paris so it’s time to brush up on some easy French phrases buy enrolling in Berlitz or at the very least hanging out in the Ladies Room at your local La Madeleine Restaurant where they play french language skills CDs. This past Christmas, I was thinking ahead when I asked the hubster for a “Learn French While Driving” CD. Although I remember many useful phrases from Madame Doyle’s High School French class, I felt it was my duty to sharpen my skills such as: ‘Pardonez-moi. Avez-vous des Grey Poupon?’
2) It’s time to head to your local Home Depot and grab up some tubes of window and door sealant. Each time Jamie Fraser appears shirtless on screen, your shouts and moans will become consecutively louder and there’s no reason to bother the neighbors or involve the Po Po. It’ll be a public service and also you’ll save on your heating and cooling bills. Win-win.
3) Since you’ll already be at Home Depot, you may as well add some 1/2″ PVC pipe to your cart and build yourself a bum roll and a hoop skirt. As you may know, your Outlander experience is not complete without a little cos-play and you can’t just throw on a maxi skirt and be done with it. You need to replicate Claire’s discomfort in her 1700’s wardrobe. So dust off your sewing machines and start bending PVC pipe cuz you’ve only got a week or so left!
4) I’m not gonna spill the beans, but if what I think is going to happen actually does happen, you’re going to need a Support Group or actual psycho-therapy by the end of the Season. I’m much less of a #BookWhiner than I used to be, however, I’m REALLY hoping the Powers That Be switched things up/changed the crap out of this chapter so that what I think is going to happen actually does NOT happen because I love him/them and I don’t want to lose him/them. And in the words of Forrest Gump, ‘That’s all I have to say about that.’
5) Facebook groups and Twitter are fabulous for sharing all your Outlander feels, but if you’re able to have a buddy with you as you watch the show, you’ll find it verra helpful. If your buddy is another woman, put on your PJs, wrap yourself in a Fraser or MacKenzie tartan, get a case of wine, a gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, some Adele CDs and you’re good to go. If your buddy is a man, I suggest chicken drummettes (so he can throw the bones against the wall with a shout: ‘clean it up wench!’ (Spoiler Alert: My husband has actually done this and no I didn’t clean it up), don your PVC hoop skirt creation under your new Outlander costume (see #3) and have a barrel of whiskey delivered to your home.
6) Whether he’s Pocket or Super-sized, it’s time to incorporate Cardboard Jamie into your day-to-day activities. Need to wash the mini-van or pull some weeds? Let Jamie help you get your chores done! So what if your neighbors silently mock you? You need to get used to hanging with the Fraser’s, so until they alert the HOA, Jamie’s your new BFF.
7) Last but not least. It’s been a while since you’ve heard ‘Scots,’ so it’s time to brush up on your Outlander phraseology! When your son loses a baseball game, simply say: ‘Dinna Fash Jake…you’ll beat yon wee gommerels next time!’ When your daughter knocks over a giant display of soup cans and paper towels in Target? ‘Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, Gracie…were you raised in a barn?’ This will get you back in the swing of things, with no need for silly subtitles like last year.
If you follow these Seven Simple Steps, you’ll be all set when the new Season of Outlander begins on April 9! As always, I’m happy I could be of ‘assistance’. I’ll be back with my re-caps and memes each week, but until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!!