Jamie and Claire are gettin jiggy with it and Claire morphs into BJR and Jamie stabs him to death in a gory blood bath. Claire wakes Jamie up from his nightmare. All that blood is disgusting and I resist hurling into a wastebasket.
Claire is breaking her maid’s heart by making her own bed and picking up after herself and this makes me officially jealous of Claire. She sets off into town in her Cinderella-style carriage wearing her Dior inspired gown to Master Raymond’s Apothecary where we finally get to meet Monsieur Le Ribbit! He assembles a potion from his fascinating Santa’s Workshop store that will help Jamie sleep. I want to climb his rolling ladder and poke around in his shop. I’m fascinated. Master Raymond has heard about Claire from Comte St. Germain whom he despises. #TheEnemyOfMyEnemyIsMyFriend
Murtagh has become Jamie’s Physical Therapist and they are practicing sword fighting and wrestling like little boys. Murtagh complains he’s only been fighting for an hour and he’s already out of breath. A crowd of les snooty folks has formed and are watching them fight. Murtagh can forget about working for the French Tourism Board after he threatens to rip their balls off, shouts that France is a misery of a Country and reeks of poo! Murtagh is so homesick, he even misses Lard Bucket and Big Head aka Rupert and Angus. We do too Murtagh. We. do. too.
Jamie receives an invitation from Prince Charles to meet him at Maison de Madame Elise or Ye Olde Stripclub. Madame Elise’s classy hoes take the stage and it turns out Elise is quite the businesswoman. Not only is she a Madame, she’s also revolutionizing the Dildo Industry as she sells and/or rents(!) sex toys. This is disgusting as they don’t even know about gerrrrrms yet so you just know they’re not sanitized in between use and ew…yuk!
Prince Charles is tired of sycophants and longs for someone in his posse to tell him the truth. So Jamie tells him the truth…the Scottish clans are not yet ready to rally behind him. Charlie is a megalomaniac though and it turns out he only thinks he wants the truth like when I ask my husband ‘do these striped pants make my ass look big?’ Maybe it’s Jamie’s sparkling baby blues or the Prince’s inbreeding, but he does a sudden about-face and asks Jamie to represent him at the Court of King Louis since he’s in the Country ‘unofficially’ and can’t be ‘received.’
Claire goes to visit her friend Louise de la Tour de Rohan Yada Yada, who’s like a Real Housewife of Paris, to see if Louise can wrangle an invite for Claire and Jamie to be ‘Received’ at Court. Louise is multi-tasking and her waxer is there tidying up her legs and hoo-ha. Just for fun, she slaps him across the face every time he rips the wax from her body. As a person of Irish-Scottish descent, I’m the human equivalent of a hairless chihuahua. So, I plan to suggest to my hirsute BFFs they take up this practice each time they get a Brazilian as it seems delightful. Louise introduces Claire to her house guest, a frightened mouse of a girl, named Mary Hawkins. #Foreshadow Louise then invites Claire to to go roadtrippin to Versailles .
That night Claire comes to bed and wakes Jamie who is startled by her ‘bare honeypot.’ He’s somewhat verklempt that she has rid herself of her lovely forest and pronounces her nether regions more complicated now that he can see all the doodads and thingamabobs. Sadly, Jamie’s flashbacks are still with him, so they must pause the festivities and play Words With Highlander Friends on their iPads to relax him before bed. This gives me the sadz.
Several weeks later Claire descends the stairs as they prepare to leave for Genovia, I mean Versailles. It’s THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!! THE RED DRESS!!!
I’ve waited almost 20 years to see this dress and It. Is. Ah-mazing!! Jamie’s wondering what has gotten into his wife, first she waxed her lady parts and now this. Even Murtagh wakes up from his permanent funk and gets a smack from Jamie for his trouble.
As they arrive at Versailles, Claire’s friend Louise is acting as Tour Guide and brags she knows everyone who’s anyone. ‘Ya want sumpin, awls ya gotta do is axe.’ Since Claire is already sleeping with the hottest guy in town, she suggests an introduction to Monsieur Duverney, the Finance Minister, would be up her alley. Suddenly a tender, sweet, young thing runs up and throws her arms around Jamie. Oh look, it’s the ginger’s old flame Annalise. Jamie suddenly remembers he’s married and introduces Annalise to his wife. Annalise doesn’t seem too interested, and asks if Jamie would like to meet the King at his lever. Turns out ‘lever’ is french for standing around in a crowded room watching the King try to go le Poo Poo. Jamie suggests King Louis eat parritch, I’d have gone for Miralax, but that’s just me. While Jamie is watching the Konstipated King, Mary Hawkins is getting acquainted with a man closer to her own age. #Foreshadow
Claire goes outside for a breath of fresh air when Louise spots Monsieur Duverney and relays that Claire wants to meet him. Duverney naturally thinks Claire is warm for his form, so he tracks her down outside, ogles her bosom then heads straight for her toes as it looks like he’s a world class foot fetishist. Sadly for him, Jamie has returned from watching the King make poopie and he yanks Duverney off Claire and shoves him over a wall, into a lake. The Finance Minister, who’s quite the hunk btw, and the Frasers patch things up and decide to get together later in the week for a game of chess. Just then the Konstipated King arrives with his date who’s dressed in the latest subtle Paris fashions.
Murtagh who can see down a long hallway and around the corner, spots the Duke of Sandringham/Cowardly Lion, rushes him and calls him Judas. He attempts to draw his sword but Jamie stops him as that would mean certain death in the presence of the King. Jamie and Murtagh leave to go see a man about a horse and Claire and the Duke have a confab when his Secretary approaches and tells him the fireworks are about to begin. It turns out his Secretary is Alex Randall brother of Black Jack Randall and Mary’s admirer. We learn that tragically BJR has survived being trampled by the herd of cows at Wentworth Prison.
Claire is left wondering what will happen when Jamie finds out that Bad Bad BJR is still alive. Will it derail their plans to stop the uprising? Will he lose his shizzle and try to strangle BJR with his bare hands? Tune in next week Outlander fans. Same Outlander time. Same Outlander channel.