Murtagh rushes into the study, excited to firm up the details of Jamie’s duel with Randall. Jamie breaks the news the duel’s off, but he won’t tell him why. Murtagh shouts Jamie’s as moody as a woman with her period and that pisses me off! How can he say such a thing? Now I’m crying and I want some chocolate, my headaches back and I need some Advil and oh…never mind. #MyBad The butler I don’t trust, apparently he has a name, Magnus(!), tells him Claire is at L’hopital and Jamie’s all ‘Rawr, I want my woman at home wearing an apron, etc.’ When Murtagh passes by Magnus, he says something snarky which is then reported to me by my vigilant French subtitles!
Claire’s working at the hospital when Monsieur Forez asks for her help preparing a man for burial and casually mentions he’ll be away for a while at his day job which is executing people, specifically those involved in the ‘dark arts.’ He mentions Master Raymond by name and does everything except give Claire an exaggerated wink and a sharp jab to the ribs in warning. He gives her an over-long and very creepy dissertation on how to draw and quarter someone, and I leap for the mute button.
And bravo to the Outlander casting gurus for finding an actor who looks exactly like a hangman and I feel bad for saying it. In real life, the poor man probably repairs the wings of injured birds he rescues in the park while humming Barry Manilow songs but unfortunately he looks like he strangles people on his day off. But then again, that could just be due to the excellent work of the hair and makeup people, what do I know?
Claire scurries off to warn Master Raymond who says all this happened before, I’m not sure if he means last week or 100 years ago, it seems to all run together for him. But Claire presses on and explains this is the real deal and he needs to blow town. Monsieur Le Froggy says he will skedaddle but not to worry, they will meet again.
Jamie and Claire are all snuggly-wuggly by the fire and he’s giving her a fabulous foot rub. He brings up the fact that he’s saved her life as often as she’s saved his and they’re Even Steven on that account. The reason he won’t kill Black Jack is because if the Rising happens and things go south, he wants her to have a place to return to and a man who loves her. #We’reBackToSelflessJamie #SadSadForeshadow He makes her promise that if the time comes, she will go back through the Stones to Frank. She promises.
Claire is cooking up a nasty potion to fake the symptoms of Smallpox using Jamie as a human lab rat. Soon he’ll experience vomiting, cramping, diarhhea and a rash. Fun times. Murtagh cuts to the heart of the matter and says he just wants to slit Charles’ throat. Claire explains this won’t work because he’ll be martyred and it might help the cause.
Uncle Murty has had enough and storms outside and they decide it’s time to tell him the truth which Jamie does in the beautifully designed and lit Courtyard. #IWantACourtyard Murtagh immediately accepts this story, says he understands and then sucker punches Jamie which seems A-OK with our hero.
Next morning, Jamie and Fergus mount up and ride off to Le Havre with Fergus’s little legs flapping at right angles on the horse. Could he be more adorable?! Claire walks in and sees the research paper Murtagh’s been working on. He wants to know more details which sadly she hasn’t a clue about. He says he ‘wouldn’t want to have to bear that burden’ and they make peace.
Jamie and Fergus arrive at Le Comte’s warehouse and Fergus sneaks in and steals two bottles of wine and takes them back out to Jamie who’s bravely hiding behind a tree. Jamie pops the tops off the bottles with a giant knife and that skill would’ve come in handy the time I went on a girl’s camping weekend and forgot the cork screw and everyone wanted to kill me. A few days later, Jamie is summoned to Ye Olde Whorehouse where a meeting between Charles and Le Comte is already in progress. Charles tells Jamie there’s an illness in Le Havre and they need Jamie to transport the wine for them. Le Comte’s hatred for Jamie comes through loud and clear, he shouts that he’ll be going with Jamie to make sure he’s on the up and up, but they’re standing so close, I suddenly remember that love and hate are two sides of the same coin and any minute now I think they’ll begin to make out. #IveWatchedTooManyMelBrooksMovies
Claire, Jamie and Suzette are back at the apartment dressing Murtagh up like a fine gentleman as part of their plan to steal the wine the next day and Murtagh’s enjoying it about as much as can be expected which means he’s being the whiney curmudgeon we know and love. The ruffles and flouncy parts of his costume are driving him nuts, but Suzette’s really into it and that girl is growing on me. Sort of ironic that Murtagh doesn’t like being dressed up in fancy outfits and paraded in public. Payback’s a bitch baby.
Jamie and Claire are in bed and the baby kicks Jamie’s hand. He lowers his head to Claire’s tummy and talks to the baby saying ‘I’m your father’ and I’m pretty sure a million women around the world experience momentary heart palpitations. I’m glad he didn’t start singing Scottish folk songs to the wee bairn as my own heart can’t take it either.
Le Comte and Jamie are on a dark country road transporting the booze when they’re attacked by ‘highwaymen’ i.e. Murtagh and his hired goons. All hell breaks loose and somehow Le Comte and Murtagh are caught in a Mexican Stand Off with guns drawn and no one’s backing down. Jamie knocks Le Comte aside and ‘attacks’ Murtagh who then knocks him out with the side of his gun so Le Comte won’t be able to question his loyalty.
At the same time this is happening, Claire is spending the evening with Louise and her superficial friends and they’re annoying the crap out of me. I’m pretty sure I served on the PTA with some of these shallow broads a few years back. Claire can’t take it any longer, apologizes to Louise and leaves. She and Fergus (was he hanging in the kitchen?) head to the hospital where she does her nightly rounds, while he plays with Bouton. Mother H sees that Claire’s exhausted and bleeding slightly and makes her lay down and sleep.
Le Comte, Charles and Jamie meet to discuss the disastrous wine transporting incident. Le Comte suspects Jamie and they fight yet again. Me thinks the Comte needs to take Anger Management Classes which are conveniently offered at your local Y. Charles is having a royal conniption cuz he says all his planning, butt kissing and manipulations were for naught. He says he’ll kill himself before he has to move to Poland and I’m not sure what that’s about, cuz my friend went there and her Facebook photos were fabulous.
Jamie arrives home exhausted and makes a plate of food that appears to have been left out unrefrigerated all night. Haven’t his bowels been through enough? Fergus arrives and says Claire spent the night at L’hopital. Suzette barges in and says Charles needs Jamie to come bail him out at Maison Elise. Jamie takes Fergus along with him. Fergus wanders into a customer’s room and steals a bottle of perfume which unfortunately has a redcoat hanging on the door. A man closes the door trapping Fergus in the room. That can only mean one thing and that thing ain’t good.
Claire arrives home from the hospital and Suzette, who’s entire role this episode seems to be running into rooms and breathlessly sharing bad news, runs into the room and breathlessly shares bad news. Jamie’s at the Bois de Bologne fighting a duel with a British soldier. Magnus, the butler I don’t trust, takes her there in a carriage with the driver speeding like a bat out of hell. She’s cramping and upset and things don’t look good. They arrive and she hurries through the woods, comes into a clearing in time to see the duel between Jamie and BJR in progress. Suddenly Jamie stabs BJR in the family jewels at the same time Claire begins to hemmorage. She calls out to Jamie as she collapses. The gendarmes arrive to arrest Jamie and he can’t get to Claire. So we’re left with BJR and Claire unconscious and Jamie being arrested for dueling which they’ve said is punishable by death.
We’re now half way through Season Two and to tell you the truth, I’m not happy about it. I need an all Outlander Channel and I need it now!