Scotland looks so gorgeous in the opening scene, I can hear the National Tourism Board members weeping with joy all the way from Texas. Jamie, Claire, Murtagh and Fergus have returned to Scotland and are nestled in the bosom of Lallybroch with Jenny, Ian, Mrs. Crrrrook and the rest of the Fraser-Murrays. Jamie and Claire hope they’ve done enough to stop the war, although between you and me, they shouldn’t hold their breath. Claire, the psychic potato planter, is back just in time for the harvest and the family has gathered oohing and aahing over the crop while Jamie and Claire make-out on the dining room table probably causing more than one young family member to barf in their mouth.
The mail arrives and there’s a letter from Aunt Jocasta ….foreshadow, Louise de Rohan and Cousin Jared with this episode’s buzzkill news that crazy Prince Charlie forged Jamie’s signature on a document that states he’s a Jacobite supporter. In one stroke, they morph from happy farmers to traitors to the Crown. Claire suggests places where they can run to hide and Jamie whose feet are planted as firmly as the potato crop, points out all the flaws in her plan. Jamie is the Jamiest I can remember seeing him; it’s as though he’s popped straight out of a Gabaldon Toaster into my TV set.
Their plan? Jamie and Claire will go see Jamie’s grandsire, Lord Lovat, to try to convince him to send his men to fight. Murtagh will bring the Fraser men and meet up at Kinguisse in two weeks. That little ray of sunshine, Jenny, mocks her bro saying it’s a dopy plan. If I had to live anywhere near that know-it-all, I’d be stockpiling Tums, as she gives me permanent indigestion. Later that evening, Jamie tells Claire his father is illegitimate and the child of an assignation between Lord Lovat and his kitchen maid. He’s embarrassed and Claire’s all ‘Dude, that’s so 1740s and who gives a shizzle?’ Jamie shows his wife some Lallybroch Lovin and a large amount of the fandom goes looney with lust.
Claire wakes to discover unlike most men, Jamie doesn’t sleep like the dead after le bonkadebonk instead he’s on the couch holding one of Jenny’s 12 babies. I swear if I owned a working uterus, I might spontaneously impregnate watching Jamie Fraser, with his cute toes sticking out of his plaid, jabbering to a baby. Jenny, who REALLY needs sensitivity training, goes on about her baby even though Claire lost hers a few months ago. I might borrow a frying pan from Mrs. Crrrrook and smack her over the head with it.
Jamie and Claire are leaving and Jenny gives Jamie her wooden rosary #foreshadow Adorable Fergus shows up on a little donkey thing and says he wants to go with them. Everyone says no except Jamie who says Mini-me is coming with them.
They arrive at Beaufort Castle and discover Column Mackenzie is there too. Colum denies he had anything to do with Claire’s witch trial and says Laoghaire did it and he had her beaten as punishment cuz that’s an acceptable thing. Lord Lovat enters the room setting a land-speed record by insulting Jamie’s mother, father and wife within 30 seconds. Claire strolls around the castle when suddenly who should appear but Half Pint from Little House on the Prairie, no wait that’s Laoghaire Mackenzie who drops to both knees to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Claire declines to forgive her, and instead rips her a new one.
Claire tells Jamie about meeting with Laoghaire and that she feels better but Jamie’s not having it. He says Claire can come to dinner since she’s a hot, trophy wife but she’s not allowed to talk which earns him several eye rolls. At dinner, Jamie gives an impassioned speech to rally the crowd but Colum’s drippy sarcasm makes it clear he’s not going along with him. Young Simon chimes in with his support but his father publicly ridicules him.
Next day Claire meets Lovat’s ‘seer’ Maisri when he throws her out of his office onto the hall floor. I’m considering using this technique with people I disagree with. Jamie meets privately with Lovat who says he’ll lend his support if Jamie gives him Lallybroch. When Jamie says no, he gives him Plan B which is ‘he’ll lend his support if his men can violate Claire.’ Jamie brings out the La Dame Blanche-White Lady story again to protect her but I wish he had something different in his arsenal. Jamie’s actually considering giving Lallybroch to his grandfather and I gotta call BS on that one. No way in hell book Jamie would do that. Claire hatches another plan and suggests using Leghair’s flattery to boost Young Simon’s confidence so he’ll stand up to his father. Claire approaches Half Pint while she’s snorting Jamie’s shirt like some demented wackjob and presents the plan.
Side note: I think it’s safe to say, I’m the only Outlander recapper who in real life has actually washed Sam Heughan’s shirt. Two years ago, I auctioned some of his stuff for charity on eBay. I did not, however, stand in my rainy back yard in an unholy embrace with his shirt, I just washed it in my Maytag. You can read about it here: https://melissasobservations.com/2015/04/25/sam-heughans-emulsion-wardrobe-items-are-up-for-auction-on-ebay/
Jamie tells Colum he knows the outcome of the Rising and Colum calls him a mad man then tries to convince him to join his side. Jamie says ‘no dice’ and Colum looks old and tired. Claire puts her twisted plan in motion and drags Young Simon and his bad hair on a walk where they conveniently come upon Leery looking like an adorable fairytale maiden. Leery gives it the old college try including a peek down her dress, but Lord Lovat’s heir is truly clueless in the ways of women. In a chapel, Claire encounters Maisri who tells Claire she’s foreseen events and been able to change the outcome of history which encourages Claire.
Claire and Jamie meet in the darkened stable while he’s rubbing down his horse and by that I mean, he’s rubbing down his horse. #SoundsDirty The Old Fox is trying to strong-arm everyone into signing a Neutrality Agreement and he wants Jamie to sign over the deed to Lallybroch. Suddenly Mistress Fraser turns into bad TV Psychic, Miss Cleo, and begins raving about visions of Lord Lovat’s execution. Old Simon tries to kill her, but is stopped by his son who grew a pair after taking a gander down Leery’s top at what I can only assume are magical bosoms. Lord Lovat announces he and Colum will remain neutral in the war.
Next morning Jamie, Claire and Young Simon are off to join the troops at the same time Leery and Colum are hitting the road. Claire asks Jamie to go say thank you to Leery for her help. He reluctantly does so even throwing in a jaunty little bow. (It reminded me of the time I made my son apologize for calling a boy at school a ‘Fartknocker’ and he did it by saying “I’m sorry I called you a ‘Fartknocker’ even though you are a ‘Fartknocker.’)
As the Frasers and Young Simon gallop away, Lord Lovat and a large group of his men ride down the hill and he announces he’s sending his men to help his son fight, but since he’s also signed the Neutrality Agreement he’s covering his ass from both sides. A wonderfully devious plan which I’m happy to say History tells us doesn’t work.
Jamie and Claire are so young and strong and hopeful, riding out to do what’s right and trying to save their Country and family. I have to say Je Suis Not Prest for what’s to come because then Season Two will end and I know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to see it. Sometimes I wish I was a newbie and had it all to look forward to, sadly I’m not. Until next week, Tulach Ard Y’all!