Jamie is meeting with the generals, some high falutin military officers and Bonnie Prince Fancy Pants who, much to everyone’s dismay, is demonstrating all the leadership skills of Colonel Sanders and Captain Crunch. Jamie is the voice of reason stating that there’s a field of deep muck they must cross otherwise they’re on a suicide mission. Charles is so incompetent he wants to try to negotiate a surrender from the British. I’m pretty sure any minute now, he’ll order them all to join hands and sing ‘We Are The World’.
Post meeting Charlie says Jamie should tell Claire to take care of the enemy British soldiers FIRST, then the Scottish who are laying down their lives for him. Jamie points out the ridiculousness of that plan and says his wife wouldn’t do it. Charles says she would if her ‘lord and master’ told her to proving he knows even less about women than warfare. He casually puts out his hand to be kissed and I’m gonna start doing that after every transaction including ones at Target and with the kid who mows my lawn. I’ll let you know how that works out.
Rupert, Angus, Murtagh and the rest of the men are getting edgy waiting for the battle to start, and accidentally wake up Papa Bear/Dougal. Jamie appears and convinces Dougal to cross the swampy marshland to measure the muck and find out if the men can make it across. Dougal decides to do it cuz he wants to impress Charles so he can sit at his lunch table. He rides across the open land and the redcoats use him for target practice, a bullet goes through his snazzy golf cap and grazes his little bald heid. He gallops back and is embraced by Charles thereby assuring his place among the popular kids.
Nurse Claire gives a pep talk to the ladies who’ll be running the Triage Unit as Fergus runs around knocking stuff over and generally being an adorable nuisance. Speaking of the wee lad, he brings in a young man whose father owns the land they’re on and he knows a shortcut around the swamp. If the Highlanders take that path, they can surprise the British. The General’s not sure if they should trust him, but Jamie uses his Spidey Senses and gives him two thumbs up.
The Highlanders have gathered round the campfires and they’re spit swearing and promising to take care of each others’ families and/or give their belongings to their friends if they should die in battle. Angus tells Rupert he can have his sword, dirk, sporran, and Scarlet his part-time hoor. Rupert calls him a daft bastard and points out you can’t give away a woman, which is a relief to hear cuz you never know back then. Jamie comes upon Murtagh who’s obsessively sharpening his blade. Murtagh is philosophizing about whether their part in the battle will have meaning and he thinks it won’t. Jamie is down on himself for failing to stop the battle and Murtagh says they both failed. Murtagh keeps sharpening his sword and spits on it. I didn’t realize until now how integral spitting is to battle but then I’ve never been in the military.
Jamie goes to the Field Hospital and tells Claire to get some sleep which is wishful thinking. Fergus interrupts smoochie time and again pleads his case to be able to go into battle. Jamie explains he must stay behind to take care of the women. Murtagh, Rupert and Angus come in to say goodbye and Angus guilts Claire into giving him a sympathy kiss. Murtagh tells her he will watch over Jamie and they will win the day. Jamie gives Claire the sweetest kiss goodbye, bows to her and leaves.
As the men are lead through the swamp path, we discover Fergus has disobeyed and followed the men into battle. They’ve arrived at their destination and Prince Charles argues, rather too loudly for my comfort, that he wants to go into battle with them. What the hell’s he gonna do, hit them with the flowers on his hat cuz I think his sword is for ‘decorative purposes only’ and not ‘microwave safe’ either now that I think about it. Jamie points out that Charles’ father would be disappointed if he died but Charles counters that they’re not close and his dad might not love him. This might not be the right time for this discussion, Chuck.
Back in the tent, the women are getting ready and can hear the battle has begun. On the field there’s blood, guts and gore. British patients are brought into the Field Hospital (that part is SUPER strange to me cuz five minutes earlier they’re killing each other, but whatever) Angus carries in his BFF Rupert who has a giant slice in his side and my heart starts breaking cuz I’ve read the book. During all their Wayne’s World style shenanigans, they’ve formed a strong bond and really do love each other. Jamie comes into the hospital all riled up and kisses Claire. Fergus shows up in shock and tells Claire he killed an English soldier. Dougal is still at the battlefield, shoving his sword into bodies assuring himself they’re dead. He encounters Lt. Jeremy Foster, the handsome, moral and all around stand-up British solder who explains that the British are the superior army and will never be defeated so, naturally Dougal murders him.
At the hospital Claire sees a horse shoe print on the back of Jamie’s shirt and makes him pee in a jar so she can check for blood. Jamie’s literally having a pissing contest with an English soldier when he’s interrupted by the clueless Prince who brings him ‘the blessings of my father’. How? Does he have a cell phone? He is a politician though and gives a rousing speech as he tries to unite the English and Scots when Dougal storms in and begins Angloshaming the British soldiers. This annoys the Prince so much he bans him from the army, but Jamie comes up with a plan to keep him on the muster roles by promoting him to Captain of Highlander Dragoons. That way he can use his abilities and get rid of him. Dougal says Jamie’s plan is worthy of his brother Colum which is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one.
Angus appears to be sleeping, sitting up but instead he’s been bleeding internally and dies a horrible death surrounded by his friends. Rupert heaves himself up from his hospital bed and wobbles to Angus’s side, takes his sword, wobbles back to his bed and cradles it in his arms. All this time, we thought Rupert would be the one to die and I’m totally shocked. I don’t want either of them to go as I love their friendship and hilarious shenanigans.
Later that night, the men are drunk and celebrating their victory when Rupert and Ross (who lost his best friend, Kincaid) stagger drunkenly out of the tent singing the very depressing ‘Down Among The Dead Men.’
Next week isn’t gonna be a fancy garden party either and although I look forward to each and every episode, I don’t want what’s going to happen to actually happen.