Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Updated! Outlander Epi #2, or… How I Met Your Brother, Colum MacKenzie

The weary travelers arrive at Castle Leoch wearing old timey golf hats like the one my grandfather Mickey Maguire wore.  It’s the first day of school and everyone has a friend except Claire.  ‘Domestic Manager’ Mrs. Fitz happily greets the gang including Murtagh whom she tells ‘smells like shit’ thus eliciting his first smile of the season.  She then notices Claire and Jamie introduces her while distancing himself like a kid who doesn’t know why a stray dog followed him home.

Mrs. F tries to haul Claire into the house to feed and dress her but Claire wants to tend to Jamie’s bullet wound instead.   Upon discovering Claire’s a healer, Mrs. F  morphs from cuddly grandma to torch wielding Salem townsfolk  but then decides to drag Jamie inside to be taken care of.

I feel bad that Jamie was shot, but gosh darn that means he has to take his shirt off and Holy Objectification Batman, that. man. is. fine.  Jamie explains to Claire how he got his scars when that SOB Black Jack Randall whipped him.  Jamie has gone weeks without bathing but seems fresh as a daisy so I convince myself he snuck in 5 minutes for a hot bath, manscaping and teeth whitening before presenting his gorgeous ginger self to Claire.

Flashback and it’s the redcoats.  I admit I hit the mute button when they whipped Jamie and not just cuz my dog told me to.  I’ve been so excited to see Jenny who is one of my favorite characters and oh crap, Jack Randall has her.  I feel so bad for Jenny and I shout at the TV so she’s not afraid to go in the house because he has ‘dysfunction issues’.  Sadly, she does not appear to hear me.

Back to present.  Jamie tells Claire she has a gentle touch and her husband is a lucky man.  She begins to cry and awkwardly says ‘he is not alive.’  Jamie sweetly comforts her and Claire notices that little Jamie has zero dysfunction issues so she jumps away.  They exchange a few words, and (sigh…..) Jamie grabs his big sword by the handle and leaves the room.

Hours later, Mrs. Fitz wakes Claire up rom-com style, whipping back the curtains and shouting her out of bed.  She must go meet ‘Himself’ but first she must eat some broth.  Claire’s hair is a giant rat’s nest just like my little sister’s used to look if I’m being honest. She has two sips and Mrs. F snatches it away.  No wonder she’s skinny, she’s only had around 30 calories in 72 hours. Mrs. F starts to undress her though she’s confused by Claire’s Cross Your Heart bra but Claire lies and passes it off as ‘French’ (I’ve noticed they get blamed for a lot of stuff that’s not really their fault).

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If it was me, I would’ve kept the bra for the next 20+ years, washing it in Woolite and clutching it to myself while I slept because it’s not like you can buy another one at the local Target.  A fascinating Disney Channel clothing montage ensues as Claire is dressed in around 17 layers of gorgeous clothing which weigh more than a Kevlar vest.  She even straps on a giant fake inner tube thing that looks like a Kardashian butt which cannot be comfortable.  I guess men have always liked big butts and they cannot lie. Also, I notice Claire is all gorgeous dewiness without make up and then I remember life is not fair. 😦

Claire is escorted to Colum’s office/birdhouse and his legs are worse than I pictured and I wonder if it’s prosthetics, CGI or a combo.  Colum practically shines a light in her eyes and questions her ‘Film Noir’ style.  Claire conveniently flashes back to Frank’s Youtube Instructional Video titled ‘How to Survive Time Travel Interrogation Under Duress’Colum questions the validity of her ‘almost being raped by Black Jack story’ and Claire counters with a haughty “Is there ever a GOOD reason for rape Master MacKenzie?”  She receives his promise she can leave in 5 days with a tinker who will take her to Inverness. “What’s a tinker and I can last 5 days” Claire thinks as she steps jauntily outside and into the most beautiful lighting God ever shone on planet Earth.  She looks down to see Dougal playing with his, I mean, Colum’s son Hamish.

Claire enters the Hall, which reminds me of the original La Madeleine French restaurant in Austin only better, with her boobies pushed up so high it hurts.  (This reminds me that I’m home for the night and I remove MY bra from underneath my clothing and hang it over the side of my chair.)  I’m relieved she will finally get a decent meal, but instead she falls for the oldest trick in the book and knocks back enough booze to kill a donkey and cannot keep her yap shut.  I love the wineglasses and make a note to search for equivalent at Crate and Barrel.  Dougal and Colum have a ‘discussion’ about whether Jamie should stay in the stables or the castle.  Meanwhile, Claire stumbles out of the Hall and off stage where she probably vomits into a vintage metal bucket though I’m just guessing.

Next morning Claire dresses in another gorgeous outfit and heads to the kitchen where she declines Mrs. F’s offer to heat up some porridge which makes me wonder if Mrs. F has a medieval microwave stashed somewhere.  She heads out carrying a basket of goodies like Little Plaid Riding Hood to find young Jamie in the stables.  Jamie and Claire sit on a blanket, and he shovels in food like a teamster and she pretends to eat.  After lunch, Jamie stands to leave, then bravely squats down facing the camera to say one last thing and I swear I can hear women screaming across the world, their squeels echoing through hills and valleys then across the oceans and into outerspace.

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Rupert, the house detective, is waiting for her.  He explains he’s Dougal’s eyes and tomorrow Angus will be trailing her and Angus smells bad and fornicates with animals so she should count her blessings.  I love Rupert!  He’s like our friend from high school who still lives in his parents’ basement and never works, but we love hanging out with him cuz he’s so damn fun!  Claire stomps into the castle and confronts Dougal and mentions she’s leaving in 4 days.  What a dope.

The next day or day after (I’m losing track!) she gets dressed cramming what looks like a disposable air conditioning filter (what is that thing?) down her dress as she heads to the garden and meets Geillis Duncan who is intelligent, wise cracking and looks like she’s made out of glass. She invites Claire to come visit sometime.

Bagpipes play as Colum sits on a throne and listens to his tenants’ problems (‘he stole my cows’ and such).  Claire stands with Geillis who’s her Gaidhlig to English translator.  Next up is Laoghaire whose Dad says she’s a ho and the menfolk decide to beat the crap out of her.  Jamie decides to take her punishment because he’s noble and I really wish he wouldn’t.  The beating begins and it’s all fun and games til Rupert sucker punches his shoulder.  Later, Claire patches up Jamie when Mrs. F arrives with her potions and says ‘thanks yo, Leghair is my granddaughter’.  She does not bring leeches which I was looking forward to, but I guess they weren’t in the budget.  Claire tells Jamie, she’s hitting the road in two days and he can take his own bandage off, bye Felicia.  He takes the news like a champ and they begin to look meaningfully at each other when Leghair peers around the corner at him. Claire leaves and Jamie looks at Leeeery and lets out a deep sigh.

Tinker’s here (turns out he’s like a mobile 7-11) and Claire’s bags are packed and she’s ready to go.  Dougal’s all ‘hold up little filly’ and takes her to see Colum who breaks the bad news.  ‘You’re here to stay. This room is the Minor Emergency Dungeon, the doctor is in and it’s you’.

Poor Claire.  Poor Jamie.  Poor us! When will we get to see some Clamie kisses?  I hope soon, and I wish yet again, that I was able to binge watch this show instead of waiting week to week.

104 #Sam Heughan Thoughts featuring Davie Hollywood, Driver Extraordinaire; My Daughter, Grace & Carly Brown, the Scottish National Poetry Slam Champ.

A zillion years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘My Top 10 Thoughts When I See Sam Heughan.’ (I’ll put the link at the end.) I thought it was time to update my thoughts. This time it’s more than 10. It’s 104. Geez

1.  What a fine young man.
2.  Who uses that expression?
3.  My dead Aunt Ruth, that’s who.
4.  I’m as old as her when I thought she was really old.
5.  She used a cane.
6.  What was I talking about?
7.  Oh yes, that fine young man, Sammy Heughan.
8.  I probably shouldn’t call him Sammy.
9.  He seems to have lovely manners and that doesn’t happen by accident.
10. His mom must be so proud.
11. My Aunt Ruth would pinch his cheeks.
12. The other cheeks.  The ones on his face.
13. You all have dirty minds.
14. When he’s in character he is SO flippin hot.
15. He must exercise all the time.
16. I should’ve kept up with my fitness regime after I had kids.
17. But I didn’t.
18. I did My Peak Challenge.
19. I did it quietly.
20. I don’t do anything quietly.
21. This time I did.
22. I lost 40 pounds.
23. How the F did I do that?
24. I’m proud of myself.
25. I’m proud of all the My Peak Challenge Ladies
26. It would’ve been cool if Sam had married my daughter.
27. But she’s in love with someone else and she’s never met Sam.
28. She lives in Utah.
29. Utah is too far away.
30. Sometimes I miss her so much I think I’ll go nuts.
31. If she married Sam, they would’ve had bagpipes at their wedding.
32. If she marries Red Jake, I’ll beg her to have bagpipes, but she’s not engaged.
33. I wonder if Red Jake is Scottish.
34. He’s a ginger after all.
35. Maybe I’ll get them DNA testing for Christmas.
36. I wonder how much time Sam gets off for Christmas.
37. Probably a month.
38. He has a grueling schedule.
39. Thank God he has Davie Hollywood to drive him everywhere.
40. I wonder if Sam sleeps in the car on the way to work.
41. I wonder if Davie puts a blankie on him and tucks a teddy bear next to his face?
42. Probably not.
43. He probably just lets him sleep.
44. When they get to work, I wonder if Davie slaps him in the face or just gently wakes him up?
45. I’m going with ‘gently wakes him up.’
46. It would be funny if Sam had to punch a time clock.
47.  Like the ones in factories in WW II where they built airplanes.
48.  I’m sure he doesn’t.
49.  That would be funny though.
50.  I would’nt want to sit still for four hours while someone put scar make-up on my back.
51.  I wonder if he practices his lines while they’re doing that.
52. I can hardly sit still to have my hair cut.
53. He has so much patience.
54. How does he memorize all those lines?
55. I read that some old-timey actors wrote dialogue on their hands.
56. When I was in the play Bye Bye Birdie, I left weird notes on the set so my co-star would find them mid-performance.
57. He stayed in character.
58. But his eyes were laughing.
59. I bet Sam misses theatre.
60. All actors miss theatre.
61. It’s terrifying and wonderful.
62. Like my honeymoon.
63. Just kidding.
64. I like to use that reference.
65. I slept through my honeymoon.
66. I was tired.
67. I drank too much at my wedding.
68. And didn’t eat.
69. I wonder what Sam eats?
70. Probably protein bars.
71. I bet he unwraps them first.
72. He’s very manly.
73. I bet he could digest paper.
74. But who’d want to do that?
75. Why does my mind wander so much?
76. I bet it’s cuz I’m a Gemini.
77. Not because I’m old.
78. Let’s go with that.
79. Sam’s not old.
80. Sam is hot.
81. It always comes back to that.
82. He’s a brilliant actor.
83. I hope he gets an Emmy some day.
84. I wonder if he’s being judged by his looks?
85. Women are judged by their looks.
86. It sucks.
87. He really is a brilliant actor.
88. He doesn’t miss a trick.
89. He and Cait have wonderful chemistry as Jamie and Claire.
90. I hated Chemistry class.
91. I hated ALL science classes.
92. In Europe you don’t have to study science if you’re an English major.
93. I know that cuz Texan, Carly Brown went to St. Andrews and she told me.
94. She’s the 2013 Scottish National Poetry Slam Champion. She’s getting her Ph.D. in Glasgow.
95. I wrote a blog about her.
96. She makes me proud.
97. She was an alarmingly alert baby.
98. Sam and his buddies should go see her perform in Glasgow.
99. Her poetry is hilarious. And socially relevant.
100. He’d laugh his ass off.
101. I’ve seen his ass.
102. I should exercise more.
103. I already said that.
104. Sam’s a fine young man…

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Sam Heughan, (Being Adorable) Great North Run

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Grace & Red Jake being weird.

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Davie Hollywood Being a Trusty Side-Kick in his Groovy Car

https://melissasobservations.com/2014/09/30/top-10-thoughts-when-i-see-sam-heughan/