#Outlander, Epi 213 Re-cap: Claire and Bree are Houseguests from Hell, we meet Yummy Roger Wakefield and Jamie Can’t Catch A Break.

The day we’re all dreading has arrived.  No not election day in America, but rather the Outlander Season 2 finale where Jamie and Claire are finally parted and I’m not one bit happy about it.  Luckily, and I’ll say this now to get it out of the way, I LOVED this episode. In no particular order, I loved Brianna’s hair, eye color and height, Roger’s beard, tweed jacket and bookish hunkiness, Jamie’s tragic warrior, stoic husband-father persona, Claire’s 1960’s JackieO glam, eye shadow and grey streaks in her hair.  In a related story, as a child I knew a lady with grey streaks in her hair EXACTLY LIKE THAT and I called that poor woman ‘the skunk lady’ behind her back.  I certainly hope  I was sent to my room without any porridge for my thoughtless comment!

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1968. Poor Roger would rather be anywhere but with the guests at the Reverend’s wake, so he’s hiding out in the library watching Emma Peel with the pre-teens.  His lovelorn housekeeper, Fiona, fetches him back to his guests and Roger emerges and gives a toast.  Roger is deeply in mourning but not so deep that he doesn’t notice a gorgeous red-heided stranger lurking around the edges of his home.  Claire and Brianna introduce themselves and after a brief moment, Claire excuses herself to go snoop around his home leaving Roger and Brianna to make awkward conversation. Later, Claire and Brianna say goodby to Roger and upon finding that they’re heading back to London, he invites them to spend the night at his home.
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1746 It’s the morning of Culloden and Jamie makes one last attempt to tell Charles that his plan will not work, but Bonnie Prince Plaid Pants is such an inbred moron, he won’t listen.  Murtagh tells Jamie the British are four miles away and on the march, Claire says she has one last plan and they go inside the building to talk.
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1968 Roger takes Brianna on a historical tour of Scotland starting with Ft. William. He then attributes a Nathan Hale quote to Ethan Allen almost causing me to spit up my whisky but I forgive him cuz Roger’s a cutie-pie. Brianna looks up at the scaffold and says it gives her the chills. You have no idea Brianna, but you will.  Claire takes her snazzy rental car and visits Lallybroch which is in ruins. It’s very sad to see it looking like that and I notice a For Sale sign and wonder how much her house in Boston is worth cuz it’s gonna take a million or so 1960’s dollars to fix up the joint.
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1746  Claire takes Jamie inside and tells him about the yellow jasmine Colum took to kill himself and suggests they kill Charles the same way.  Unfortunately, Dougal is listening at the door and completely loses his shite and tells Jamie he’s betrayed his family, his Clan and Scotland and Claire is a lying slut-witch and reaches for a sword and says he’ll kill Jamie quickly for his mother’s sake.  Jamie points out that Dougal is tired, cold and hungry and I think dude might need a Snickers bar, but sadly that’s not an option. I dunno about you but it seems odd that the MacKenzie War Chief resorts to dirty fighting that includes biting Jamie.  Jamie has no choice but to kill him to save his own life.

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1960s  Claire heads to the Town Hall and finds the Deed of Sasine with her signature on it.  The monochromatically dressed, efficient clerk, whose outfit I’m going to steal when it finally cools the F down in Texas this fall, gives her a copy of the deed without charging her or checking her ID, and it makes me long for the days before HIPPA, Homeland Security and all the other crap we have to deal with nowadays where you have to provide the blood of a virgin before you’re allowed access to official papers. The clerk also does a quick genealogical search on Roger.

Roger and Bree head over to the University, and he goes to meet with some random dude leaving Bree to mosey around looking like a Ralph Lauren model. She stumbles upon pre-barbecue Gellis Duncan giving an impassioned speech in support of Prince Charles and Roger returns from his meeting  just in time to meet his seven times great granny.

Back at the manse, Roger and Bree look through the storage room for intel on her parents and are startled by a rat so Roger has no choice but to sing a ‘cheesy’ rat satire thus winning Bree’s heart.  They discover a box labeled Randall and take it downstairs to peruse in a rodent-free environment.  Meme_RogerSings
Claire visits the Clan Fraser Headstone at Culloden Field and she says her final, incredibly sad goodbye to Jamie and my heart can’t take much more of this.
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Brianna finds the dusty old newspaper article about Claire ‘coming back from the fairies’ and confronts her mother.  She seems to have brought the same ‘Jump to Conclusion Mat’ that her father Jamie carries with him from time to time, and begins shouting at her and accusing Claire of all sorts of inaccuracies. Claire, Brianna and a very awkward Roger sit down and Claire finally spills the very sad time-traveling beans. Brianna’s reaction is what you might expect, she thinks her mother’s nuts and it’s a good thing she’s gorgeous or Roger might have shoved them out the front door at this point.

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1746 We’re back at Culloden and Jamie pulls the Deed of Sasine out of his sporran (which is sort of like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag minus the floor lamp) and tells wee Fergus he must take it to Jenny at LallybrochJamie and Claire tell Fergus they love him like a son and Murtagh bows to Fergus and I wonder why the writers of this episode are determined to make me sob until I run out of tears.

1968 Claire sees the flyer with Geillis Duncan’s photo and heads over to her house but she’s not home.  Her sad, drunk husband Greg is though and he invites Claire in for a drink.  Greg says he hasn’t seen her in weeks but he still loves her. I can see why Geillis would want to poison the flatulent Arthur Duncan, but Greg’s a dreamboat so she should’ve kept him.  Greg falls asleep before Claire leaves, so she nabs Geillis’s notebooks with all her hocus pocus theories to peruse later. Meme_VaginaStone
At the bar, ‘Broger’ runs into Geillis who says she’s leaving town and she seems awfully chipper for someone who’s about to murder her husband and burn him in a ritualistic sacrifice.

1746  Jamie tells Murtagh to gather the Lallybroch men and get them the F out of there.  Jamie’s going to take Claire to ‘safety’ and he’ll be back.  Murtagh says he’ll start the men home but he won’t go to Lallybroch with them, he’ll come back to die with Jamie at Culloden.  He says it so cheerfully, it’s like he’s going to meet him for pizza instead of death, but that might just be my interpretation.

1968 Bree returns to their room at the manse and says they can agree to disagree about the time travel, but she wants to talk about Jamie. #GetInLine  Claire comes downstairs to get Geillis’s flyer and Roger tells her they’ve not only met Geillis, but she’s leaving town that night. Claire wants to go stop her from leaving so she’s not burned at the stake but she tells Roger she can’t do that because if Geillis doesn’t go back, he won’t be born.  Bree starts having another conniption, but Roger convinces her to go to the stones so they can at least warn her.
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1746 Jamie rushes Claire away from the action, forces her on a horse and back to Craigh na dun by telling her he knows she’s pregnant although I doubt he has a little calendar in his sporran although with Jamie you never know.

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Jamie and Claire arrive at the stones and Jamie says to tell Frank he’s grateful, he trusts him and he hates him.  And although they are bereft at the idea of losing one another, Jamie has a weird smile on his face which I don’t get unless he’s one of those people, like me, who smiles at really sad times, like funerals, because their emotional wires get crossed.  They have only a brief moment left for a very hurried somethin-somethin on the ground, Jamie gives her his father’s ring and half walks/half dances her to the stones and due to sisterhood/girl power I can practically hear the sobbing of my fellow Outlander fans except those in Canada, Australia and New Zealand who have to wait another day.
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1968  Claire, Brianna and Roger arrive at Craigh na dun in time to catch Geillis setting her husband on fire and running through the stones.
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Brianna and Roger hear the stones buzzing #Foreshadow and Brianna finally believes her mother.  Roger leaves to call the Police and when he returns he shows Claire proof that Jamie didn’t die at Culloden.  She’s in shock, but as the shock wears off, she says “I have to go back” and appears to run towards the stones.  Fade To Black, Roll Credits, Cue the Chambers Brothers with ‘Time Has Come Today.The End.

O. M. G. ladies and gentleman, you know the drill. We are back to Droughtlander.  It’s tragic, I know, but together we will survive this because we have each other!! PS I’ll write some witty shizzle during the Drought, and we can virtually hold hands and hum Bear McCreary’s tunes in solidarity. That and whisky.  Whisky shall get us through.

#Outlander, Epi 212 Re-cap: Why is Jamie so sexy even covered in filth? Who will marry Mary? Why is Charles In Charge? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Highlanders drag their sorry arses into the encampment outside of Inverness.  They haven’t eaten, slept or bathed much in weeks and as Claire says, ‘their worst nightmare was coming true.’  Rupert is in a foul mood and still missing Angus although he’s now hanging out with NotKincaid, his new BFF, a handsome, sweet guy with front teeth.  Jamie immediately sends Dougal out on patrol to locate the British, he sends Murtagh out to locate the Prince and I wish he had time to locate something of Claire’s, but there’s so much we still need to cover from the book, so that’s not to be.  Murtagh chimes in and updates us they’re a few miles from Culloden and the battle will be in 3 days. Jamie tries to be optimistic and prop up Claire, but she’s down in the dumps and why shouldn’t she be?  There’s a good chance in a couple of days, she’s going to have to leave the hottest guy God ever created and spend the next twenty years with boring, boring Frank, I’d be sad too. Before she gets any rest, she hightails it into town to refill her medical supplies.Meme_DoWeDoIt
At the Inverness Walgreens, Claire stumbles upon Mary Hawkins who’s now speaking with a PBS/Masterpiece Theatre accent and loading up on drugs for Alex.  She’s a wee bit cold to Claire since she learned of her plot to put the kibosh on their relationship.  Claire apologizes and offers to come help Alex.

The Generals, Jamie, various military officers in shiny uniforms and the frickin, clueless Prince are meeting to discuss strategy. Jamie’s a broken record trying to explain why their plans won’t work and even tries to appeal to the Prince’s intellect.  I long to tell him this won’t work because the Prince is a twit, but Jamie can’t hear me since apparently this is a TV show!  Clueless Charlie decides to take a stand and does it while proclaiming his manliness and Me thinks he doth protest too much.
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Claire goes to see Alex who is looking very ‘Randall-ish’ and it’s obvious even to those of us who received our MD by watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman that Alex will not recover.  Despite knowing she tried to break them up, he’s still so sweet and polite to Claire‘Johnny Randall’, arrives to check on his brother and Claire tries to hightail it and Mary stops her to say BJR has been paying all their bills. Claire tells Mary that Alex won’t be going back to work like…ever.  Mary says she’s preggo and the Randall brothers both know. Claire skedaddles outside with BJR fast on her heels, he asks her to help his brother and she quickly says alrighty, but only if he tells her the location of Cumberland’s army.  He’s indignant but Claire’s got him between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
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Claire has to tell Jamie that Randall’s in town so Jamie flips over some furniture, as one does, until he realizes the info is useful to him and their cause.  Suddenly Colum MacKenzie arrives and let’s just say he’s not going to have to worry about buying Christmas gifts this year.  He gives his condolences to Rupert for the loss of his domestic partner Angus then commands they bring Jamie and Dougal to him.  Meme_CollumsBaaack
Claire examines Colum with Jamie by her side and gives him the inevitable bad news about his health.  He asks to speak to Claire alone and admits he was wrong about Jamie and Claire’s marriage, he thinks they’re a good match.  After he’s softened her up, he then asks her to put him out of his misery like Jack Kervorkian and she says she’ll do it. He also tells her that Geillis Duncan was kept alive long enough to give birth to a son who was placed with a childless couple,  William and Sarah MacKenzie. #Foreshadow
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Claire visits puir dying Alex Randall, sets up a portable Hookah Lounge and shoots him a combo of primo Thornapple with a half cup of ground Lucky Charms cereal for good measure and suddenly he can breathe.  Alex asks evil Black Jack to marry Mary and give her the Randall name but nobody is merry about him marrying Mary, least of all Mary. Alex, bless his heart, thinks Johnny Be Goode, but since his good side is an urban myth, BJR says no.
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Sweet, darling Murtagh volunteers to marry Mary and I’d give a lot to see Murtagh’s bushy eyebrows wiggling over Modern Bride Magazine while choosing china patterns and wedding venues, but alas it’s not to be.  Claire goes to see sicko BJR who’s getting plastered in a local bar.  Man’s a complete A-hole, but he’s not lacking in intelligence and he speaks like a poet, damn his soul.  BJR returns to the Inn and he and Mary complete their unholy union under the watchful eye of dying Alex and it’s so sad!

Colum meets with Jamie and Dougal and says he wants Jamie to be his son Hamish’s guardian and lead the clan until his son’s of age.  Jamie meets with the Generals and suggests a surprise attack during Butcher Billy’s Birthday Bash and clueless Chuck thinks it’s ungentlemanly but he’s finally convinced that’s it’s, you know, A WAR and soldiers need to conduct surprise attacks to win. Sadly, Chuck wants to lead a column with the moronic General and we all know that can’t possibly end well.
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Dougal comes to Colum’s room and at first I think they’ll reminisce about the bygone days when they watched cartoons from their bunk beds in Castle Leoch, but instead, Dougal delivers a Shakespearean level speech about his relationship with his brother. I’m familiar with family dysfunction, but these guys take it to a whole new level.  Dougal blathers on and on blaming Colum for all his problems and since Colum knows he can’t shut him up, he swallows Claire’s poison, killing himself rather than having to listening to his brother’s rambling accusations.

Meanwhile Alex dies right after the World’s Saddest Wedding, and Jack Randall, loon that he is, punches the hell out of his brother’s corpse. Why? I don’t know.  When Jamie hears that Claire encouraged the marriage he has a mild conniption, until she reminds him she encouraged Mary to become his widow not his wife.  Claire says if BJR doesn’t die at Culloden, she will help Jamie kill him and his eyes light up.

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Jamie and Lord Murray lead their column of men through the dark where they’re to attack the English, but Charles and General Doofus O’Sullivan never show up because they lost the signal on their GPS and also they’re morons.  Jamie wants to attack, but the Lord Murray insists they turn back. The exhausted, starving soldiers are then forced to march 12 miles back to their Camp.  Tomorrow, they’ll have to fight at Culloden in a weakened state and unless you were sleeping in history class, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a Spoiler Alert to tell you what happens next.

So, two weeks until the season finale and sadly for me, I’ll be at a family reunion in the middle of Nowheresville Texas without cable or Wifi signal.  Why is God punishing me?!?

#Outlander, Epi 211 Re-cap: The Duke loses his head, Rupert loses an eye and Claire is Gaidheliterate!

We find via Claire’s posh voice-over, that the Highlanders are camped in Northern England, no other soldiers have joined up #Chickens and they’re awaiting orders from Prince Charles.  Because Claire can’t sit still for five minutes without pestering somebody, she’s pulling teeth from the mouths of innocent citizens as Rupert looks on cringing.

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The fancifully dressed military poobas are urging the clueless Prince to turn back, but he won’t listen because he thinks the voice in his head is God rather than just his inbred ravings.  Jamie is the only one who backs him up and Charlie storms out of their meeting.  Jamie gives Claire the bad news, they won’t take London and change history because the Officers refused.  Jamie tells his men, they’re heading back to Lallybroch for winter.

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That night Claire is sleeping and Jamie is whispering Gaidhlig sweet nothings in her ear and my Grinch heart grows two sizes more.  She wakes and asks what he said, he tells her he can say things to her while she sleeps that he can’t say when she’s awake. Oh my…

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Next morning, Dougal bursts into their room and gives Jamie a note from the Prince telling him to take his men to Inverness and resupply for winter. #Foreshadow  The officers banished Jamie cuz they want him out of the Prince’s posse due to his influence.  The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae, is the Prince also took Jamie’s horse. Meme_ScotFlag
The Highlanders have made camp by a river,  when suddenly they’re under attack by the English.  The MacKenzie-Frasers mount up and gallop off leading the English away from the Highlanders who’re on foot.  Suddenly the English come up behind them and shoot Rupert in the eye and Dougal does a fancy ‘Three Musketeers’ move and jumps to Rupert’s horse saving him.  Jamie yells ‘Bradshaw’ or similar which is Gaidhlig for ‘turn off the road and quietly hide from the English cuz they can’t track us!’ and I need to remember that phrase.

They take refuge in a church and Claire shoves Rupert down on the alter and digs the bullet out of his eye with a knife and I consider keeping a bucket nearby cuz if she’s gonna keep pulling this random shizzle, I’m gonna need a place to puke.  Claire gives Rupert an eye patch and says they’ll get him a peg leg and a parrot to complete his pirate costume, and I’m SO happy that Diana G wrote this episode and added her humorous comments that I bellow Tulach Ard Y’all, do a couple of fist pumps and startle my little dog.

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It’s night time and the church is surrounded by the English, Jamie wants to surrender because of the price on his head, but Claire yells ‘Help’ and pretends to be a captive.  The redcoats fall for it and take Claire and let the rest go free and I’m so glad they didn’t have social media back then because there’s only so many times you can pull that one and get away with it. Due to Claire’s glass face, wee Fergus tells her to faint, that way she won’t have to explain her guilty expression. Meme_BabesMouths
The English arrive in a small town and Claire is spotted by Hugh Munro outside a tavern where they’re to spend the night.  Next morning Claire wakes up and is told she’s being taken to Belmont House to stay with a rich Englishman.  As they leave, she sees Munro and manages to not so subtly relay a message to him. Meme_HughKidding
Turns out the Englishman is the Duke of Sandringham who pretends not to recognize Claire so the English leave her there. They settle in to dinner and the Duke says he’s suffering as he has to make do with only a butler, valet and a 3-day a week cook.  He was once in the Tower of London for being a suspected Jacobite and the house is being watched. Meanwhile, Murtagh and Jamie steal two horses and are galloping in the direction they think they’ll find Claire.  The Duke didn’t reveal Claire’s identity because he too wants to be rescued by Jamie. #GetInLine  It seems the Duke ‘knows a guy.’ Dis guy can get a note past da soldiers if she’s gives her word that he’ll be rescued too.  Meme_AvoidTower
She writes a note in Gaidhlig and Sandy says he’ll have it delivered to Hugh Munro who’ll take it to Jamie.  Just then wee Mary Hawkins comes in.  Seems the Duke is her godfather and she’s staying in the house. He’s found another wealthy, older man to marry her off to and she’s trying to find a way out of it. Claire clutches Mary to her pert bosom which puts the CBCC or Claire Bosom Clutching Count at approximately 30 so far this season.

 

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The Duke sends his guy, galloping off into the night in a sort of Paul Revere/UPS style scenario and he finds Munro and delivers the note.  Claire spots the Duke’s valet’s birthmark and realizes he’s the asshat who raped MaryLe Comte wanted to have Claire killed but Sandy bargained it down to a rape and then Mary got caught in the crossfire.  Oh and by the way, the redcoats are hiding in the woods waiting to capture Jamie, so there’s that to worry about. Munro meets up with Jamie & Murtagh and delivers the note.

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Claire’s locked in her room and Mary opens the door, they’re going to escape together but Mary doesn’t want to sneak down and warn Hugh Munro that Jamie’s walking into a trap because she’s gone all Kardashian for a moment and won’t lower herself to talk to a hoboClaire opens the door hidden behind a giant portrait and my 8 year old self flips out because it’s Batgirl and her Secret Room all over again!  Claire makes it to the kitchen but the damn Duke is down there carb loading.  Mary interrupts them and is ordered back to bed.  Instead, she grows a pair, opens the door and tells Hugh it’s a trap. The damn valet catches her, shuts the door and brings her back to the kitchen.  Meme_GoToBed
Jamie suddenly bursts in, the Duke slams his wig on his head (he must be hawt for Jamie too), the valet jams a knife to Claire’s throat and Jamie drops his knife. Murtagh comes in, Jamie disarms the valet, Claire shouts the valet is the bad guy from Paris, the Duke wants to make nice, the valet gives up the Duke as the one who made him attack Claire and Mary, Jamie punches the valet who lands on the floor.  Mary must have grown a GIANT pair, cuz she picks up the knife and stabs the valet to death.  As if that’s not bad enough, Murtagh goes all Lizzie Borden and chops off the Duke’s head and gives it to Mary. Roll credits, The End!
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Man oh man, they sure packed a lot into this week’s episode and not for nuthin, unless you were vacationing on the moon, you know, Herself, Diana Gabaldon wrote this episode.  I totally LOVED all the humorous little one liners or bon mots, as the Comte would say, that she threw in. Adventure, hilarity, terror and all the good stuff rolled up into one Gabaldonian enchilada.  I know she’s a busy woman, but I hope she can write another episode next year, cuz she is SO good!  See you next week and till then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

#Outlander Re-cap: Red Jamie, Part-Time Hoors, Daddy Issues and Saying Goodbye to some Friends

Jamie is meeting with the generals, some high falutin military officers and Bonnie Prince Fancy Pants who, much to everyone’s dismay, is demonstrating all the leadership skills of Colonel Sanders and Captain CrunchJamie is the voice of reason stating that there’s a field of deep muck they must cross otherwise they’re on a suicide mission.  Charles is so incompetent he wants to try to negotiate a surrender from the British.  I’m pretty sure any minute now, he’ll order them all to join hands and sing ‘We Are The World’. Meme_CharlesPran
Post meeting Charlie says Jamie should tell Claire to take care of the enemy British soldiers FIRST, then the Scottish who are laying down their lives for him.  Jamie points out the ridiculousness of that plan and says his wife wouldn’t do it.  Charles says she would if her ‘lord and master’ told her to proving he knows even less about women than warfare.  He casually puts out his hand to be kissed and I’m gonna start doing that after every transaction including ones at Target and with the kid who mows my lawn.  I’ll let you know how that works out.  Meme_JamieJokingCharles
Rupert, Angus, Murtagh and the rest of the men are getting edgy waiting for the battle to start, and accidentally wake up Papa Bear/Dougal.  Jamie appears and convinces Dougal to cross the swampy marshland to measure the muck and find out if the men can make it across.  Dougal decides to do it cuz he wants to impress Charles so he can sit at his lunch table.  He rides across the open land and the redcoats use him for target practice, a bullet goes through his snazzy golf cap and grazes his little bald heid.  He gallops back and is embraced by Charles thereby assuring his place among the popular kids.Meme_Prestonpans
Nurse Claire gives a pep talk to the ladies who’ll be running the Triage Unit as Fergus runs around knocking stuff over and generally being an adorable nuisance. Speaking of the wee lad, he brings in a young man whose father owns the land they’re on and he knows a shortcut around the swamp. If the Highlanders take that path, they can surprise the British.  The General’s not sure if they should trust him, but Jamie uses his Spidey Senses and gives him two thumbs up.

The Highlanders have gathered round the campfires and they’re spit swearing and promising to take care of each others’ families and/or give their belongings to their friends if they should die in battle.  Angus tells Rupert he can have his sword, dirk, sporran, and Scarlet his part-time hoor.  Rupert calls him a daft bastard and points out you can’t give away a woman, which is a relief to hear cuz you never know back then.  Jamie comes upon Murtagh who’s obsessively sharpening his blade.  Murtagh is philosophizing about whether their part in the battle will have meaning and he thinks it won’t.  Jamie is down on himself for failing to stop the battle and Murtagh says they both failed.  Murtagh keeps sharpening his sword and spits on it.  I didn’t realize until now how integral spitting is to battle but then I’ve never been in the military.  Meme_Warfare
Jamie goes to the Field Hospital and tells Claire to get some sleep which is wishful thinking.  Fergus interrupts smoochie time and again pleads his case to be able to go into battle.  Jamie explains he must stay behind to take care of the women.  Murtagh, Rupert and Angus come in to say goodbye and Angus guilts Claire into giving him a sympathy kiss. Murtagh tells her he will watch over Jamie and they will win the day.  Jamie gives Claire the sweetest kiss goodbye, bows to her and leaves.
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As the men are lead through the swamp path, we discover Fergus has disobeyed and followed the men into battle.  They’ve arrived at their destination and Prince Charles  argues, rather too loudly for my comfort, that he wants to go into battle with them. What the hell’s he gonna do, hit them with the flowers on his hat cuz I think his sword is for ‘decorative purposes only’ and not ‘microwave safe’ either now that I think about it. Jamie points out that Charles’ father would be disappointed if he died but Charles counters that they’re not close and his dad might not love him.  This might not be the right time for this discussion, Chuck.Meme_DaddyIssues
Back in the tent, the women are getting ready and can hear the battle has begun.  On the field there’s blood, guts and gore.  British patients are brought into the Field Hospital (that part is SUPER strange to me cuz five minutes earlier they’re killing each other, but whatever) Angus carries in his BFF Rupert who has a giant slice in his side and my heart starts breaking cuz I’ve read the book. During all their Wayne’s World style shenanigans, they’ve formed a strong bond and really do love each other. Jamie comes into the hospital all riled up and kisses Claire. Fergus shows up in shock and tells Claire he killed an English soldier.  Dougal is still at the battlefield, shoving his sword into bodies assuring himself they’re dead.   He encounters Lt. Jeremy Foster, the handsome, moral and all around stand-up British solder who explains that the British are the superior army and will never be defeated so, naturally Dougal murders him.  Meme_DougalSux
At the hospital Claire sees a horse shoe print on the back of Jamie’s shirt and makes him pee in a jar so she can check for blood. Jamie’s literally having a pissing contest with an English soldier when he’s interrupted by the clueless Prince who brings him ‘the blessings of my father’.  How? Does he have a cell phone?  He is a politician though and gives a rousing speech as he tries to unite the English and Scots when Dougal storms in and begins Angloshaming the British soldiers.  This annoys the Prince so much he bans him from the army, but Jamie comes up with a plan to keep him on the muster roles by promoting him to Captain of Highlander Dragoons.  That way he can use his abilities and get rid of him.  Dougal says Jamie’s plan is worthy of his brother Colum which is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one.

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Angus appears to be sleeping, sitting up but instead he’s been bleeding internally and dies a horrible death surrounded by his friends.  Rupert heaves himself up from his hospital bed and wobbles to Angus’s side, takes his sword, wobbles back to his bed and cradles it in his arms. All this time, we thought Rupert would be the one to die and I’m totally shocked. I don’t want either of them to go as I love their friendship and hilarious shenanigans.

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Later that night, the men are drunk and celebrating their victory when Rupert and Ross (who lost his best friend, Kincaid) stagger drunkenly out of the tent singing the very depressing ‘Down Among The Dead Men.’  

Next week isn’t gonna be a fancy garden party either and although I look forward to each and every episode, I don’t want what’s going to happen to actually happen.

#Outlander Epi 209 Re-cap: Heroic Jamie, Wimpy Soldiers, PTSD Claire & Cotterrrrr pins!

Jamie and Claire meet up with Murtagh and wee Fergus at the encampment.  Good ‘ol boys Rupert and Angus arrive and are greeted with hugs and kisses from Claire, then share the tragic news that Willie is no longer with us and by that they mean he’s married an Irish girl and moved to America. I, for one, am hopeful we might meet him again.  #Foreshadow  Dougal’s also arrived but hasn’t brought any men cuz Colum is the boss of him and said no.

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Dougal, always the politician, wants to hit the road and meet up with the Prince so he can begin his Arse Kissing Offensive.  But Jamie points out the obvious, these Scottish Gomer Pyles need LOTS of Basic Training before they can show their faces in public.  Claire watches Murtagh attempt to train the men to march while Jamie and Dougal teach them hand-to-hand combat.  Over-eager Dougal pleads to push on and join Charles and Claire becomes quieter as she deals with PTSD flashbacks from her WWII experiences.  During the war, Claire met two young American soldiers, one of them is  Corporal ‘Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.’  Jamie tries to discover what’s bothering Claire, but  like most wives, she blows him off and says everything is fine.

The young Highlanders are not taking their training seriously so Jamie gives them a Churchillian-worthy speech which inspires them.  I feel it too and jump from my plaid La-Z-Boy and attempt to enroll on-line in the Scottish army.  Jamie’s speech is suddenly interrupted when ADHD pre-schooler Dougal and a few men charge in and quash his efforts.  I wonder what the Casting Call looked like for this scene because I’m pretty sure I could beat the daylights out of most of these dudes.

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Jamie suppresses his anger and explains to overgrown toddler Dougal MacKenzie that these are his men, his Clan and he’s the boss.  Dougal ‘pretend agrees’ then goes straight to Claire who’s either cooking a bizarre dinner or making medicine, either way I’m not eating it, and tries to manipulate her into manipulating JamieClaire’s not having it, however, and rips him a new one using all the psychological theories available in the 1940’s along with a dollop of Greek mythology.

Basic Training continues as the Highlanders work to turn the accountants and blacksmiths into fighters while Claire continues to experience PTSD.  She examines Angus’s filthy feet and tries to explain trench foot to him, but he won’t listen.  Other people’s feet gross me out and I think Caitriona Balfe should’ve gotten hazard pay for that scene but that’s just me. Claire flashes to WWII when she gave the same speech to soldiers and they didn’t listen either.

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Dougal waltzes into Jamie’s field office with a few wimpy guys he’s strong-armed into joining up.  Jamie asks how they made it into camp without being stopped and orders that the guards be brought to him.  Jamie then tells the men if they don’t want to be there, they can leave and they all scram.  Dougal or ‘Douglas’ as my auto-correct refers to him, is so petulant and impatient I long to slap him sideways but I can’t reach him through my TV.

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Next day everyone gathers in the courtyard as Murtagh whips the pasty, white back of the poor, clueless guard who let them enter the camp.  Afterwards, Jamie practices shooting with the men and with every shot Claire jumps out of her skin until she finally collapses behind a wagon and we see the source of her PTSD.  During WWII, she was the lone survivor of a horrible jeep explosion where three young soldiers were killed including the sweet Corporal JHRC.  She couldn’t help them because the Germans were close by, instead she had to lay helplessly and listen to their dying screams.  When Jamie finds her, she finally tells him what happened.  He wants to send her back to Lallybroch so she doesn’t have to go through war again but, Claire is the bravest woman in literature, so she says no.  She won’t be helpless and alone, she’ll stay with the people she loves and also Jamie = Hotness, so she won’t leave and none of us would either, let’s just admit it.

Meme_PTSDsuxLater that evening, Jamie’s taking a well deserved pee when he’s attacked by a young English boy who then lands in his pee puddle which is disgusting.  The boy says he recognized our hero as ‘Red Jamie’.  He won’t give up any intel even when Jamie threatens him with a hot knife.  Quick-thinking Claire emerges from the shadows, pretends she’s a captive and says she’ll no longer resist Jamie’s advances if the boy is set free.  Jamie pretends to ravish her while Murtagh’s all Smirky McSmirksalot. (The following meme is for the book readers!)

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The boy, William Grey, spills his guts and tells Jamie everything except the General’s shoe size.  As thanks, Jamie tells his men to take the boy to the camp, if the info is correct, tie him to a tree. If he lied, kill him.  Jamie says, ‘I give you your life. I hope you use it well.’  Grey says ‘I owe you my life and I regard it as a debt of honor.’  THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF FOLKS, commit it to memory!

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Jamie gathers the men to find out how Grey got through the lines.  Dougal’s men were the culprits and it looks like Dougal’s gonna finally be at the bidness end of Murtagh’s belt. Instead, Jamie strips off his shirt and asks for 18 lashes for his uncovered fire.  I get that he’s all noble and everything, but hasn’t his back been through enough?  Also, this meme is un-necessary, but I can’t seem to help myself.

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Jamie and some of his men head into the British camp, and he orders Dougal to stay behind and guard the camp.  Jamie and his men steal the cotterrrrr pins out of the cannon and take the wheels and burn them in a bonfire minus marshmallows.  He gets home in the morning, looking like a reject from a Beetlejuice retrospective, wakes up Claire and tells her about the Cotterrrr pin Caper  He also says their success was due to her selflessness and getting info out of ‘William’ Grey.

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The troops travel to the gathering area and since Jamie doesn’t give a fig about politics, he graciously lets Dougal strut ahead on his horse and announce their arrival to Prince Charles.  Next week it’s Prestonpans folks and Je Suis not the least bit pret.  Not one bit.  Until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

PTSD and Me and Why I Continue to Admire the Acting Skills of Caitriona Balfe

A word about PTSD.  I’ve had it and still do.  Twenty years ago an F3 tornado bore down on our home which is set on a small rise and backs up to open flat Texas parkland.  It’s normally a wonderful place to live, however, when you can see a tornado approaching for three-full hours and you have 3 small children in the house (2 of my own and one borrowed) and no cellar, it’s a nightmare.  So, for THREE hours, as the children played near me in the kitchen and the electricity went out (no cell phones), I stood near the back door and watched the funnel cloud rise and fall and rise and fall.  It rarely veered off course, just headed towards us.  Later, I described it to my husband as someone pointing a rifle at my children, then laughing and pointing it away.   After the tornado killed 30 people in a nearby town and demolished countless buildings and cars along the way, it headed straight for us taking out 25 homes in our old neighborhood less than 2 miles away.  By then the kids were wearing their bike helmets and in the kitchen closet, my son feeding Cheerios one-by-one to his 2 year old sister, to entice her to stay in there and we were all praying.  When the house began to shake and I saw large ‘things’ shooting out of the funnel (doors, sides of houses, etc.), it descended one last time and hit an over-filled retention pond near our house, shot up into the sky, went over our house and landed in an empty field a half a mile away.  The electricity finally came back on and the TV stations were reporting the death toll numbers but no names were released as they hadn’t notified families yet. My husband finally made it home around 8:00pm and it was then that I knew he was alive.

I did therapy but bio-feedback saved me.  Still, during rainy season, or when I see an odd-shaped cloud or there’s a tornado watch, I begin to shake and fall apart inside. Even though twenty years have passed, it never really leaves me. So kudos to Caitriona Balfe for once again, accurately portraying a traumatic experience to perfection.

#Outlander, Re-cap, Epi 208, Jenny’s Still a Pain, Simon Says Stupid Stuff and Jamie is the Jamiest Ever!

Scotland looks so gorgeous in the opening scene, I can hear the National Tourism Board members weeping with joy all the way from Texas.  Jamie, Claire, Murtagh and Fergus have returned to Scotland and are nestled in the bosom of Lallybroch with Jenny, Ian, Mrs. Crrrrook and the rest of the Fraser-Murrays.  Jamie and Claire hope they’ve done enough to stop the war, although between you and me, they shouldn’t hold their breath.  Claire, the psychic potato planter, is back just in time for the harvest and the family has gathered oohing and aahing over the crop while Jamie and Claire make-out on the dining room table probably causing more than one young family member to barf in their mouth.

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The mail arrives and there’s a letter from Aunt Jocasta ….foreshadow, Louise de Rohan and Cousin Jared with this episode’s buzzkill news that crazy Prince Charlie forged Jamie’s signature on a document that states he’s a Jacobite supporter.  In one stroke, they morph from happy farmers to traitors to the Crown.  Claire suggests places where they can run to hide and Jamie whose feet are planted as firmly as the potato crop, points out all the flaws in her plan.  Jamie is the Jamiest I can remember seeing him; it’s as though he’s popped straight out of a Gabaldon Toaster into my TV set.

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Their plan?  Jamie and Claire will go see Jamie’s grandsire, Lord Lovat, to try to convince him to send his men to fight.  Murtagh will bring the Fraser men and meet up at Kinguisse in two weeks.  That little ray of sunshine, Jenny, mocks her bro saying it’s a dopy plan.  If I had to live anywhere near that know-it-all, I’d be stockpiling Tums, as she gives me permanent indigestion.  Later that evening, Jamie tells Claire his father is illegitimate and the child of an assignation between Lord Lovat and his kitchen maid.  He’s embarrassed and Claire’s all ‘Dude, that’s so 1740s and who gives a shizzle?’  Jamie shows his wife some Lallybroch Lovin and a large amount of the fandom goes looney with lust.

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Claire wakes to discover unlike most men, Jamie doesn’t sleep like the dead after le bonkadebonk instead he’s on the couch holding one of Jenny’s 12 babies.  I swear if I owned a working uterus, I might spontaneously impregnate watching Jamie Fraser, with his cute toes sticking out of his plaid, jabbering to a baby.  Jenny, who REALLY needs sensitivity training, goes on about her baby even though Claire lost hers a few months ago.  I might borrow a frying pan from Mrs. Crrrrook and smack her over the head with it.

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Jamie and Claire are leaving and Jenny gives Jamie her wooden rosary #foreshadow  Adorable Fergus shows up on a little donkey thing and says he wants to go with them.  Everyone says no except Jamie who says Mini-me is coming with them.

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They arrive at Beaufort Castle and discover Column Mackenzie is there too. Colum denies he had anything to do with Claire’s witch trial and says Laoghaire did it and he had her beaten as punishment cuz that’s an acceptable thingLord Lovat enters the room setting a land-speed record by insulting Jamie’s mother, father and wife within 30 seconds.  Claire strolls around the castle when suddenly who should appear but Half Pint from Little House on the Prairie, no wait that’s Laoghaire Mackenzie who drops to both knees to apologize and beg for forgiveness.  Claire declines to forgive her, and instead rips her a new one.

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Claire tells Jamie about meeting with Laoghaire and that she feels better but Jamie’s not having it.  He says Claire can come to dinner since she’s a hot, trophy wife but she’s not allowed to talk which earns him several eye rolls.  At dinner, Jamie gives an impassioned speech to rally the crowd but Colum’s drippy sarcasm makes it clear he’s not going along with him.  Young Simon chimes in with his support but his father publicly ridicules him.

Next day Claire meets Lovat’s ‘seer’ Maisri when he throws her out of his office onto the hall floor. I’m considering using this technique with people I disagree with.  Jamie meets privately with Lovat who says he’ll lend his support if Jamie gives him Lallybroch. When Jamie says no, he gives him Plan B which is ‘he’ll lend his support if his men can violate Claire.’ Jamie brings out the La Dame Blanche-White Lady story again to protect her but I wish he had something different in his arsenal.  Jamie’s actually considering giving Lallybroch to his grandfather and I gotta call BS on that one.  No way in hell book Jamie would do that.  Claire hatches another plan and suggests using Leghair’s flattery to boost Young Simon’s confidence so he’ll stand up to his father. Claire approaches Half Pint while she’s snorting Jamie’s shirt like some demented wackjob and presents the plan.

Side note:  I think it’s safe to say, I’m the only Outlander recapper who in real life has actually washed Sam Heughan’s shirt.  Two years ago, I auctioned some of his stuff for charity on eBay.  I did not, however, stand in my rainy back yard in an unholy embrace with his shirt, I just washed it in my Maytag.  You can read about it here:  https://melissasobservations.com/2015/04/25/sam-heughans-emulsion-wardrobe-items-are-up-for-auction-on-ebay/

Jamie tells Colum he knows the outcome of the Rising and Colum calls him a mad man then tries to convince him to join his side.  Jamie says ‘no dice’ and Colum looks old and tired.  Claire puts her twisted plan in motion and drags Young Simon and his bad hair on a walk where they conveniently come upon Leery looking like an adorable fairytale maiden.  Leery gives it the old college try including a peek down her dress, but Lord Lovat’s heir is truly clueless in the ways of women.  In a chapel, Claire encounters Maisri who tells Claire she’s foreseen events and been able to change the outcome of history which encourages Claire.

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Claire and Jamie meet in the darkened stable while he’s rubbing down his horse and by that I mean, he’s rubbing down his horse.  #SoundsDirty  The Old Fox is trying to strong-arm everyone into signing a Neutrality Agreement and he wants Jamie to sign over the deed to Lallybroch.  Suddenly Mistress Fraser turns into bad TV Psychic, Miss Cleo, and begins raving about visions of Lord Lovat’s execution.  Old Simon tries to kill her, but is stopped by his son who grew a pair after taking a gander down Leery’s top at what I can only assume are magical bosoms Lord Lovat announces he and Colum will remain neutral in the war.

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Next morning Jamie, Claire and Young Simon are off to join the troops at the same time Leery and Colum are hitting the road.  Claire asks Jamie to go say thank you to Leery for her help.  He reluctantly does so even throwing in a jaunty little bow.  (It reminded me of the time I made my son apologize for calling a boy at school a ‘Fartknocker’  and he did it by saying “I’m sorry I called you a ‘Fartknocker’ even though you are a ‘Fartknocker.’)

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As the Frasers and Young Simon gallop away, Lord Lovat and a large group of his men ride down the hill and he announces he’s sending his men to help his son fight, but since he’s also signed the Neutrality Agreement he’s covering his ass from both sides.  A wonderfully devious plan which I’m happy to say History tells us doesn’t work.

Jamie and Claire are so young and strong and hopeful, riding out to do what’s right and trying to save their Country and family.  I have to say Je Suis Not Prest for what’s to come because then Season Two will end and I know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to see it. Sometimes I wish I was a newbie and had it all to look forward to, sadly I’m not.  Until next week, Tulach Ard Y’all!

 

#Outlander, Epi 207 Re-cap ‘Faith.’ Sadness abounds, but I spotted Arthur Fonzarelli, a vampire and some Vanna White moves, so check it out!

Claire and her red-headed daughter are looking at picture books and my heart does a Triple Lutz and a backflip. It’s our first peak at Brianna Fraser.

Claire wakes up in L’hopital as Monsieur Forez tries to save her and the baby and Mother Hildegarde is comforting her.  Time passes and Claire wakes, her hands immediately run over her abdomen looking for her child.  When she realizes the baby is gone, she begins to ask again and again ‘Where’s my baby? Where’s my baby?’  Mother Hildegarde tells her the baby was stillborn.  For mothers who’ve lost a child, given birth to a sick child or spent countless hours worrying over a sick child, this is complete and total heartbreak.  Most of us have been there in some fashion and the memories are extremely painful although watching this can be cathartic, at least it was for me.  Mother Hildegarde has baptized the baby, Faith, and buried her in ‘hallowed ground.’  Claire is very ill and is being given ‘Unction for the Sick’ by a priest who resembles a sexy vampire giving me a slight reprieve from the pain.

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Claire has a serious infection and is close to death.  Master Raymond, disguised as a monk, sneaks into her room. He skedaddles le petit Bouton from the bed and runs his hands over her body, healing her with his mildly sexual, hocus pocus moves, eventually reaching inside her and pulling out her rotting placenta accompanied by nauseating squishy sounds. Claire’s fever breaks and she begins to heal. Master R says the King is out for blood so he must flee but risking his life to save hers are ‘things you do for your friends.’  I’m not sure my friends would pull a rotting placenta out of my body so I may need to expand my circle.  A very relieved Mother H tells Claire that Jamie is in the Bastille for dueling and BJR is still alive.  Evil Black Jack survives everything.  Maybe he’s a vampire too.

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Weeks later Fergus comes to the hospital and brings her flowers and asks her to come home, so she goes.  The servants line up to greet Claire as she emerges from her carriage.  Murtagh’s bae, Suzette, and Magnus, the Butler I used to not trust but now love, greet her with tears of love and affection.  #ForgiveMeMagnus  Fergus brushes Claire’s hair in front of the fire, trying to comfort her and she thanks him. Later, Claire hears Fergus crying out during a nightmare and he tells her what happened between himself and Randall and Claire realizes why Jamie went back on his word.  Although she doesn’t realize it yet, Claire is a mother and her child is brushing her hair.

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Claire goes to see Mother Hildegarde to arrange an audience with King Louis to petition for Jamie’s release.  Mother H advises Claire that Louis will expect ‘Le Bonkadeebonk’ if he grants her a favor. As she’s the bravest woman in literature, this will not stop her and she goes. I worry that it hasn’t been at least 6 weeks, because that’s what my OB-Gyn recommended.  The King offers her hot chocolate and an orange.  She tells him that Jamie is in the Bastille and asks that he be released. She says she’s ‘at his complete disposal’ and does everything but wink at him. He says he will help, but he has a favor to ask.  Yes, Sire, we were afraid of that. 

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Instead of jumping her, he calls her La Dame Blanche and leads her into a glorious room, The Star Chamber, that manages to be both terrifying and amazing.  The door opens and Le Comte and Master Raymond are shoved inside and Monsieur Forez who’s been casually standing against the wall like a ghoulish Arthur Fonzarelli, reads their indictment.  They are accused of participating in the ‘dark arts’ which could mean what?  Witchcraft, playing with a Ouija Board or in my case coloring my hair and lying about my age. Monsieur Forez shows her the evidence collected from the Comte’s home and Master R’s shop gesturing like a creepy version of Vanna White.
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King Louis tells Claire to look into the men’s souls and if she sees darkness they will be put to death.  I can’t see the faces of the hooded-masked men, but everyone else looks like they think the King’s nuttier than a fruitcake and I gotta agree.  Claire says she can see the name, Les Disciples, in the Comte’s mind.  The Comte says she’s a liar and Claire can drink poison and survive and he knows it because he poisoned her and she lived so she’s a witch.  She says she is a White Witch and practices White Magic but she sees darkness in his soul.  She also sees darkness in Master R’s soul too but only the normal darkness that’s in all men’s souls including the King and Kanye West.

His Royal Wackadoo then brings in a giant snake saying the bible says ‘pure men can handle a snake and survive’ and I’ve just about reached my limit cuz I don’t do snakes. #Waah Claire suggests both men drink poison and whoever lives is pure of heart.  The King, who is easily lead by Claire, is all ‘okay’ and lets her give them bitter CascaraMaster R has terrible cramping and lives.  Unfortunately for the Comte, Master R added poison with his David Copperfield moves and le Comte knows it as Claire’s super-magical necklace turned black and it’s curtains for him.  Le Comte dies a quick, horrifying death and to tell you the truth, I’m sad to see him go.  He’s a fascinating character and hotter than a Texas summer.  Louis releases Master R, then tells Claire he will only honor his agreement with her after he receives payment.  Lucky for her, Louis is just not that into her so it’s over very quickly.  Louis says he will issue a pardon for Jamie and she can leave.  She takes a parting gift and exits with her head held high.

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Sometime later, a filthy, bearded Jamie returns from the Bastille slowly trudging up the stairs with no household staff to greet him, only Claire.  When he finally speaks, it’s with the voice of a very old man. Claire says their daughter’s name was Faith and she’s buried next to the convent.  Jamie says he tried to keep his promise but couldn’t let BJR go unpunished for assaulting Fergus.  He asks if Claire hates him and she says she ‘did.’  After their baby died, Mother Hildegarde brought her to Claire and she held, rocked and sang to Faith all day.  Louise de Rohan came to help her friend and asked to hold the baby and you know when Louise is the voice of reason, things ain’t good.  We’re back to present time and Claire says ‘yes’, she did hate him, but says she asked the impossible of him, put Frank before their family and shouldn’t have followed Jamie to the woods. It’s her own fault. She tells him she slept with the King to buy his freedom and he immediately forgives her because they have both given themselves to someone to save the other.

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Claire asks how they can ever be the same.  He says they cannot bear it alone, they have to carry the burden together.  Claire says she wants to go home, to Scotland.  His relief is palpable you can see how desperately he wants to go home,  but he says there’s something he wants to do first.  So, together they visit Faith’s grave.  Jamie leaves the St. Andrew spoon from the set of Apostle spoons to watch over her in France.  And when the piano begins to play that haunting tune in the cemetery, and I begin to cry again, I wonder what I’ve ever done to make Bear McCreary want to hurt me so much.

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Well friends, that sure was a plethora of sad emotions, wasn’t it?  Book readers, we know what’s to come and much of it’s dismal.  But, I hope the Outlander Grand Poobas have tossed us a few bones of happiness in the upcoming weeks, because I personally need a little somethin somethin after this emotionally exhausting week.  See you next week.  Until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

#Outlander, Epi 206 Re-cap: Murtagh’s Punching Jamie, le Comte Has Anger Issues & Claire Gets Fashion Payback!

Murtagh rushes into the study, excited to firm up the details of Jamie’s duel with Randall. Jamie breaks the news the duel’s off, but he won’t tell him why. Murtagh shouts Jamie’s as moody as a woman with her period and that pisses me off! How can he say such a thing? Now I’m crying and I want some chocolate, my headaches back and I need some Advil and oh…never mind. #MyBad  The butler I don’t trust, apparently he has a name,  Magnus(!), tells him Claire is at L’hopital and Jamie’s all ‘Rawr, I want my woman at home wearing an apron, etc.’  When Murtagh passes by Magnus, he says something snarky which is then reported to me by my vigilant French subtitles!

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Claire’s working at the hospital when Monsieur Forez asks for her help preparing a man for burial and casually mentions he’ll be away for a while at his day job which is executing people, specifically those involved in the ‘dark arts.’  He mentions Master Raymond by name and does everything except give Claire an exaggerated wink and a sharp jab to the ribs in warning.  He gives her an over-long and very creepy dissertation on how to draw and quarter someone, and I leap for the mute button.

And bravo to the Outlander casting gurus for finding an actor who looks exactly like a hangman and I feel bad for saying it.  In real life, the poor man probably repairs the wings of injured birds he rescues in the park while humming Barry Manilow songs but unfortunately he looks like he strangles people on his day off. But then again, that could just be due to the excellent work of the hair and makeup people, what do I know?

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Claire scurries off to warn Master Raymond who says all this happened before, I’m not sure if he means last week or 100 years ago, it seems to all run together for him.  But Claire presses on and explains this is the real deal and he needs to blow town.  Monsieur Le Froggy says he will skedaddle but not to worry, they will meet again.

Jamie and Claire are all snuggly-wuggly by the fire and he’s giving her a fabulous foot rub.  He brings up the fact that he’s saved her life as often as she’s saved his and they’re Even Steven on that account. The reason he won’t kill Black Jack is because if the Rising happens and things go south, he wants her to have a place to return to and a man who loves her. #We’reBackToSelflessJamie #SadSadForeshadow  He makes her promise that if the time comes, she will go back through the Stones to Frank.  She promises.

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Claire is cooking up a nasty potion to fake the symptoms of Smallpox using Jamie as a human lab rat. Soon he’ll experience vomiting, cramping, diarhhea and a rash. Fun times.   Murtagh cuts to the heart of the matter and says he just wants to slit Charles’ throat.  Claire explains this won’t work because he’ll be martyred and it might help the cause.

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Uncle Murty
has had enough and storms outside and they decide it’s time to tell him the truth which Jamie does in the beautifully designed and lit Courtyard. #IWantACourtyard  Murtagh immediately accepts this story, says he understands and then sucker punches Jamie which seems A-OK with our hero.

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Next morning, Jamie and Fergus mount up and ride off to Le Havre with Fergus’s little legs flapping at right angles on the horse. Could he be more adorable?!  Claire walks in and sees the research paper Murtagh’s been working on.  He wants to know more details which sadly she hasn’t a clue about.  He says he ‘wouldn’t want to have to bear that burden’ and they make peace.

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Jamie and Fergus arrive at Le Comte’s warehouse and Fergus sneaks in and steals two bottles of wine and takes them back out to Jamie who’s bravely hiding behind a tree.  Jamie pops the tops off the bottles with a giant knife and that skill would’ve come in handy the time I went on a girl’s camping weekend and forgot the cork screw and everyone wanted to kill me.  A few days later, Jamie is summoned to Ye Olde Whorehouse where a meeting between Charles and Le Comte is already in progress.  Charles tells Jamie there’s an illness in Le Havre and they need Jamie to transport the wine for them.  Le Comte’s hatred for Jamie comes through loud and clear, he shouts that he’ll be going with Jamie to make sure he’s on the up and up, but they’re standing so close, I suddenly remember that love and hate are two sides of the same coin and any minute now I think they’ll begin to make out. #IveWatchedTooManyMelBrooksMovies 
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Claire, Jamie and Suzette are back at the apartment dressing Murtagh up like a fine gentleman as part of their plan to steal the wine the next day and Murtagh’s enjoying it about as much as can be expected which means he’s being the whiney curmudgeon we know and love.  The ruffles and flouncy parts of his costume are driving him nuts, but Suzette’s really into it and that girl is growing on me.  Sort of ironic that Murtagh doesn’t like being dressed up in fancy outfits and paraded in public.  Payback’s a bitch baby. 

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Jamie and Claire are in bed and the baby kicks Jamie’s hand.  He lowers his head to Claire’s tummy and talks to the baby saying ‘I’m your father’ and I’m pretty sure a million women around the world experience momentary heart palpitations.  I’m glad he didn’t start singing Scottish folk songs to the wee bairn as my own heart can’t take it either.

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Le Comte and Jamie are on a dark country road transporting the booze when they’re attacked by ‘highwaymen’ i.e. Murtagh and his hired goons.  All hell breaks loose and somehow Le Comte and Murtagh are caught in a Mexican Stand Off with guns drawn and no one’s backing down. Jamie knocks Le Comte aside and ‘attacks’ Murtagh who then knocks him out with the side of his gun so Le Comte won’t be able to question his loyalty.

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At the same time this is happening, Claire is spending the evening with Louise and her superficial friends and they’re annoying the crap out of me. I’m pretty sure I served on the PTA with some of these shallow broads a few years back.  Claire can’t take it any longer, apologizes to Louise and leaves.  She and Fergus (was he hanging in the kitchen?) head to the hospital where she does her nightly rounds, while he plays with Bouton.  Mother H sees that Claire’s exhausted and bleeding slightly and makes her lay down and sleep.

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Le Comte, Charles and Jamie meet to discuss the disastrous wine transporting incident. Le Comte suspects Jamie and they fight yet again.  Me thinks the Comte needs to take Anger Management Classes which are conveniently offered at your local YCharles is having a royal conniption cuz he says all his planning, butt kissing and manipulations were for naught.  He says he’ll kill himself before he has to move to Poland and I’m not sure what that’s about, cuz my friend went there and her Facebook photos were fabulous.

Jamie arrives home exhausted and makes a plate of food that appears to have been left out unrefrigerated all night.  Haven’t his bowels been through enough? Fergus arrives and says Claire spent the night at L’hopital. Suzette barges in and says Charles needs Jamie to come bail him out at Maison Elise.  Jamie takes Fergus along with him.  Fergus wanders into a customer’s room and steals a bottle of perfume which unfortunately has a redcoat hanging on the door.   A man closes the door trapping Fergus in the room.  That can only mean one thing and that thing ain’t good.

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Claire arrives home from the hospital and Suzette, who’s entire role this episode seems to be running into rooms and breathlessly sharing bad news, runs into the room and breathlessly shares bad news.  Jamie’s at the Bois de Bologne fighting a duel with a British soldier.  Magnus, the butler I don’t trust, takes her there in a carriage with the driver speeding like a bat out of hell.  She’s cramping and upset and things don’t look good.  They arrive and she hurries through the woods, comes into a clearing in time to see the duel between Jamie and BJR in progress.  Suddenly Jamie stabs BJR in the family jewels at the same time Claire begins to hemmorage. She calls out to Jamie as she collapses.  The gendarmes arrive to arrest Jamie and he can’t get to Claire.  So we’re left with BJR and Claire unconscious and Jamie being arrested for dueling which they’ve said is punishable by death.

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We’re now half way through Season Two and to tell you the truth, I’m not happy about it. I need an all Outlander Channel and I need it now!

#Outlander, Epi 205 Re-cap. Murtagh bathes! The Comte Hates the Frasers! Black Jack Returns!

Jamie, Murtagh and Mary’s Uncle, Fiancee and assorted French twits had an epic food fight and trashed Uncle Jared’s Paris apartment like an 80’s rock band at the Hyatt then they all took off.  Claire and Fergus stayed up all night long on a fancy couch waiting for Jamie to return which he finally does after Duverney bailed him out of the BastilleMurtagh is downstairs washing off the stench of the Prison and you have to wonder how bad it was if the first thing on Murtagh’s mind is a bath.  Jamie carries sleeping Fergus up to bed and I note this is the 3rd time he’s carried someone Disney Prince Style in two days.  Poor Alex Randall is still locked up as the justice system in 1740’s Paris seems all kinds of eff’ed up.

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Murtagh is moping at the Wine Warehouse because he thinks he let Jamie down when Claire and Mary were attacked.  One of Madame Elise’s hoes told him there’s a nasty group of aristocrats called Les Disciples who roam the streets attacking and raping women cuz they’re rich, bored and reality shows haven’t been invented yet.

Claire goes to see Mary who’s recovering from the attack and has written a letter to get Alex off the hook for the crime he didn’t commit.  Mary says she feels ashamed about the rape which goes to show we haven’t come very far in 400 years.  In fact the only good to come from this is that she no longer has to marry Lord Wartyface and she might actually have a chance at a real life.  Mary gives Claire the letter to deliver to the Bastille and Claire considers throwing it out, but she doesn’t.

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Prince Charles goes to see Jamie at the Wine Warehouse (he sure gets around…where’s his bodyguards?) and shares his plan to earn 10,000 pounds Sterling in a flaky business deal  he’s cooked up with the Comte St. Germain that involves a shipment of Madeira. The Prince wants Jamie to work with St. Germain and tells him not to bother him with boring business details and talk to the hand.

Claire meets with the very attractive and sexy voiced Alex Randall to tell him there’s something about Mary.  She talks him into breaking up with Mary because he can’t provide for her. Even though I understand Claire’s motivation, I sorta want to smack her.  Alex is so kind, he actually thanks Claire and bows to her before he stoically walks away in his beautifully made black wool jacket with little white specks that I want.

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Jamie meets with the evil/studly Comte St. Germain, tapping his fingers so hard, I think he’s inventing Morse Code.  He and St. Germain despise each other but they’ll have to do business like JR Ewing and Cliff Barnes on Dallas. #80sReference  Jamie and Claire are in their apartment talking about their nefarious plans and I can almost see The Butler I Don’t Trust lurking around the corner with a clipboard taking notes.  Claire wants to concoct a potion to make someone look like they’ve got smallpox and plant them on St. Germain’s ship.

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Jamie randomly gives Claire a lovely Push Present…a set of 12 silver Apostle spoons sent from LallybrochClaire says she’s worried she might not be a good mother, but she needn’t worry.  Lots of people have no mothers or bad mothers, but still become excellent mothers…I should know.

The next day they are at the gorgeous Versailles Horse Show surrounded by beauty and opulence and Jamie comments he misses the smell of the stable and I do too. Jamie promised to help the Duke of Sandringham with his equine evaluation and as they wander throughout the fancy horse show, me thinks the Duke is having trouble keeping his hands off  Jamie and I wonder who doesn’t lust for this man?  The Duke, who has better instincts than I thought, tells Jamie he thinks the Prince is a twit. Jamie agrees, but says Charles’s father is the true King.

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Oh goody, here come’s Annalise.  She is the original Mean Girl back before that was a thang.  They walk among the gardens and her snippy attitude gives me indigestion.  Girl? You lost Jamie so get over it.  Meme_Bwitch

 

Annalise says a rather dashing man is staring at Claire and she turns to see her worst nightmare Black Jack Randall approaching. He looks thrilled to see her, Claire not so much.  He introduces himself to Annalise in the worst accented french since the Grey Poupon commercial, but it seems just right for him.

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The King approaches and Claire has no choice but to introduce him to BJR.  The King’s Posse giggles at BJR’s accent which is obnoxious but no humiliation is too small for Randall so I dig it. Jamie then approaches and doesn’t seem as freaked out as I thought he’d be but I don’t understand men so who knows.  He gets in a zinger about Randall having an unfortunate encounter with some sheep. #Baah

BJR tells the King he’s come to ask Sandringham to reconsider his brother Alex’s loss of position and the King tells him to beg.  He tricks Black Jack into getting on his knee and begging and Randall looks like a fool, so that’s good.  Claire tells the King she isn’t feeling well and he says she can go and so can Jamie. He tells BJR to get up before he stains his pretty britches.  Jamie asks Claire if she’s really unwell and she says she’s fine. He turns and struts back to BJR and challenges him to a duel. Jamie looks happier than I’ve seen him in a while. #MenAreWeird

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They return to their apartment, but instead of getting out of her Cinderella carriage, Claire hauls ass to the Bastille. Jamie and Murtagh stay behind plotting out Jamie’s duel with Randall when Claire returns and tells them she put the kibosh on it cuz she swore that Jack Randall attacked her and Mary and Jack done got locked up in the Poky.  They are both royally pissed at her and Claire kicks Murtagh out of their room.  Claire tells Jamie if he kills Randall then poor, boring Frank won’t be born because Mary’s his many times great granny. I wish Claire had a Polaroid of him so I could check to see if Frank’s disappearing like in ‘Back  To The Future.’  

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Jamie’s about to blow a gasket and says Claire needs to make a choice, him or Frank.  He puts a scary dagger in her hand and tells her to kill him now as he can’t live if BJR’s alive.  She tosses it down and says he owes her a life and she’s claiming the debt now. Jamie says he’s a man of honor and he will honor his debt, then he kisses his sword and says he’ll give her a year.  This reminds me of Michael Corleone kissing Fredo in the Godfather and I just can’t with the feels.  Then he says ‘Do Not Touch Me’ with such anger it sort of freaks me out.  Those two can really fight.  They are worse than guests on a Jerry Springer episode and I wish they’d stop.

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Every episode of Season 2 is my favorite one. And this is no exception.  I suppose it’s like choosing a favorite child…the answer changes every day and you’d never say it out loud even if you were asked.  I wonder what we all did for a life before the dawn of Outlander. I can hardly remember and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to contemplate a world without it.  See you next week folks… till then Tulach Ard Y’all!

 

 

Loretta Lynn’s Marital Advice, an Erica Kane Plot Twist & the World’s Most Awkward Dinner Party Ever, #Outlander, Episode 204 Re-cap

Claire’s breathing down Jamie’s neck, probably bored senseless and distracting Jamie from his chess game with Duverney.  The evil/hot Comte St. Germain who’s entire Bucket List seems to be ‘Hate Claire Fraser’, appears and gives Claire the side eye yet again.  Jamie gives Claire a nonverbal heave ho and she walks across the room and takes a glass of wine from a tray, as pregnant women did back then.  Suddenly Claire begins to choke and Jamie runs over, picks her up Disney Prince-Style and exits stage right, hopefully to a local Minor Emergency Clinic.

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Later that evening as Claire lays in bed recovering, Jamie suggests she host a dinner party for the Duke.  His plan is to provoke Charles into acting like the eejit he is in front of the Duke so nobody will back his plan and I remember this plot being used once on All My Children with Erica Kane and it worked so why not give it a try?

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Claire finally unloads the secret she’s been carrying around and tells Jamie that sadistic Black Jack is still alive.  Instead of responding with the conniption fit we all expected, Jamie is thrilled to hear this news as he wants to beat the crap out of Jack and kill him his own self.  I ran this bizarre logic past my husband who agreed it would be easier if BJR was dead, but if it was him, he’d want to kill him with his own bare hands. #MenAreStrange

Next day Claire goes to visit my favorite druggist, Master Raymond.  He apologizes for selling Bitter Cascara to an unknown servant but he had no idea it was for her.  Bitter Cascara sounds like the most obnoxious woman at the Country Club that no one wants to caddy for: ‘That Cascara is so bitter, her poor husband has to pay the caddies twice the going rate.’  Apparently I’m wrong and it’s a scary tree bark that can cause death. MasterR does a Sheep Knuckle Yahtzee hocus pocus move and tells Claire that she will see Frank again. He then gifts her with a necklace that will change color in the presence of poison, followed by a jaunty little wink.  I love him!

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Claire is summoned for an urgent meeting with Louise and Mmm-ary who are admiring a cuckoo clock.  Speaking of cuckoo…Louise is pregnant with Charles’ baby and asks Claire for help ridding herself of the child but Claire convinces her to trick her husband into thinking it’s his because as long as the child is raised with love, it will be okay. #SadForeshadow

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Jamie arrives home after a night of drinking and whoring, filled with lust, his thighs covered with bite marks and tries to explain to Claire how he finally wants to make bonk-a-dee-bonk with her again because BJR is dead and a ho introduced him to the number 69 and I’m thinking if he doesn’t shut it, he’s gonna need the number 911 because Claire’s gonna open a can of whoop ass on him. His logic confuses me. Even Loretta Lynn will tell you, ‘Don’t Come Home A Drinkin With Lovin On Yer Mind!’

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Finally, Jamie delivers one of the best speeches from the book about the private place we all have inside ourselves and how he’s been hiding there and how he’s growing strong again and they end up spending a very sweet, passion-filled night together and book readers from around the world send up a ginormous cheer!

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There’s an intruder on their roof and it turns out to be Prince Charles arriving without his wig or his dignity but with a nasty monkey bite instead.  It seems he’s also having girl problems.  Mark me….that man is a loonClaire patches him up and sends him on his way.

It’s the day of the fancy dinner party, but Claire sets out to the hospital to help victims of an explosion with Murtagh and Fergus as her escorts. As Claire works inside the building, Fergus educates Murtagh on the ways of women explaining how Mary is in love with another man even though she’s promised to the nasty old wart dude or NOWD.  Inside the building, Claire meets Monsieur Forez, the hangman who doubles as a doctor and applies his creepy ‘Hangman’s Grease’ to a patient.

As Claire heads out for the day, they discover the wheel to her Cinderella carriage has been tampered with, and they begin walking home.  The dinner party has begun and Jamie is greeting his guests alone.  If that happened at my house, my husband would have a hissy fit, but Jamie handles it like a champ.  First up, he meets sweet Alex Randall, who’s the polar opposite of his nasty bro and who’s arrived with his lecherous yet charming boss the Duke of SandringhamMary’s uncle and fiance arrive, they’re a couple of winners and by that I mean they’re disgusting, clueless and entitled.

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As Mary and Claire mosy home (I would’ve thought they’d be hauling ass, but maybe they didn’t do that back then), Mary professes her love for gentle Alex Randall. Suddenly and without warning, nasty men appear and knock Murtagh out and rape poor Mary.  Back at the Fraser’s, the Duke has committed a major faux pas and invited the Comte St. Germain and his wife (is she the swan nipple lady?) to dinner. My neighbor had a redneck meltdown when her husband did that cuz she thinks she’s Miss MannersMe? Yeah, I admit it’s slightly tacky, but I’d just add two more plates to the table and water down the spaghetti sauce.  Louise and her husband arrive and Charles lingers far too long over Louise’s hand.

Claire sees the a birthmark on one of the rapists hands at the same time they see Claire’s face and they bolt because she is La Dame Blanche.  The Butler I don’t trust interrupts and whispers to Jamie that Claire is home and Mary was raped. Jamie and Murtagh want to run off and give them a Scottish beatdown but Claire keeps a clear head and orders them to stand down.  They put Mary to bed with Alex standing guard and Claire dresses for dinner. Jamie tells Claire they can’t call the PoPo because Mary’s life will be over as no one will want her and I wonder if we’re in Baghdad or Paris. Jamie wants to cut off St. Germain’s head, but Claire says no heads will be cut off…..tonight. #Foreshadow #ReadTheBookPeople

Claire enters the room as cool as a cucumber, arriving after the King.  Can’t they send you to the poky for that infraction?  Claire and Louise get in a quick gossip as they walk into dinner whispering like those crazy broads on the Real Housewives shows.  Alex is upstairs whispering sweet nothings with a hot accent to Mary and I’m wondering about genetics vs. environment cuz he’s a darling man and his brother is a monster sort of like the Unabomber and his bro.

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The dinner has begun at the beautifully set table in a gorgeous room and the Duke is insulting the Pope and laughing too loudly.  Claire encourages the Duke to tell a bad joke as the Comte gives Claire the side eye. I have indigestion just watching them.  Charles asks the Duke if he’s married and it reminds me of that old talk show where Liberace told the interviewer he ‘hadn’t met the right girl yet.’  Jamie mentions that Louise is preggers and Charles downs his drink and slams the glass on the table and it’s time to pass the Awkward Sauce.

Le Comte makes snarky comments at the table about Claire’s poison-alarm necklace and we know he’s the bad guy. Mary wakes up and runs downstairs disrupting the dinner party.   Mary’s uncle and fiance go nutz(!), a crazy fight breaks out, Murtagh runs in with a scary knife cuz he hasn’t stabbed someone in a month and he’s overdue, Claire throws Jamie a rope and he and Murtagh do a tag team, double dutch garroting move, and it looks like an Animal House frat party on steroids. The only one who’s happy is Fergus since he can finally get a decent glass of wine.

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Author’s Note:  I loved EVERYTHING about this episode.  The sets, the set decoration, the costumes, the characters, everything they say and everything they do.  In short, it’s like chocolate for my eyes and soul.  I can’t wait for next week!