#Outlander, Season 3 Finale Re-cap, where-in Matt Roberts brings Diana Gabaldon’s story to life and ‘We’re Comin To America.’

At the end of last week’s episode, our hero Jamie was being hauled away by Captain Leonard whose actions would have him permanently deleted from my Christmas card list if he was an actual person which apparently he’s not.

Fact:  Most of you don’t actually have the pleasure of knowing me, but if your dreams came true and we met, you’d soon find I don’t like movies/TV shows where people floatNo floating in water, no floating in space.  NO floating!  So obvi, the opening scene with Claire FLOATING in water, with a rope around her no less, is NOT my cup of tea. 

And we’re back to Claire galloping in her Cinderella carriage towards Geillis’s lair.  Her coachmen, or possibly two mice, stop to let marching, chanting slaves pass.  Claire arrives and sneaks through the slave’s living area, Nancy Drew style, whispering for Ian.  She sees a verra familiar dog sniffing the dead body of a young boy.TimeTravBouton_meme
That sicko Geillis is having a grand kebbie-lebbie with Ian who gives as good as he gets.  (It’s probably the combination of Fraser/Murray blood.)  Hercules, her manservant/slave, drags Claire into the room just as Ian is dragged out another door.

Captain Leonard is giving Jamie shizzle because he’s captured him when Lord John’s Redcoats come and snatch Jamie away.  Lord John and Captain Leonard are in LJ’s office having a battle of wits and sadly for Leonard, he has brought an inferior weapon.  HandedToYouLeft_meme
Jamie’s all Smirky McSmirkeson as he watches this smackdown.  I love me some Lord John.  For the love of God, someone give him a spin-off based on the other book series!LOLMofo_meme
Meanwhile back at her lair, Geillis and Claire are having their own smackdown cuz for one thing, Geillis is nuts. Claire finally shows her pictures of Brianna, and Geillis wants to kill Brianna the 200 year old baby, so the next King of Scotland can ascend to the throne. She steals the photo (to guide her forward in time) and young Ian (for a blood sacrifice) and takes off to try to time travel after Bree leaving Claire locked in the room.  Jamie breaks in with a credit card/sword and he and Claire take off looking for Ian.Thataway_meme
Following the sounds, Jamie and Claire sneak through the jungle and peer at the dancers just as she and Frank did at the stones all those years ago.  Even the lighting’s the same.  Well done Outlander writers! They’re caught and thrust into the middle of the dancers when Mr. Willoughby/Yi Tien Cho calls out and saves them.  He has fallen in love with The Long Island Medium Margaret Campbell who is telling fortunes at lightening speed.   They realize that Geillis is after Bree and they take off to find the cave. Yi Tien Cho kills Mr. Campbell and now he and Margaret can be wed.YiTienMargaretCho_meme
They get to the cave and find young Ian tied up for Geilli’s ritual sacrifice and her ‘manservant’ Hercules picks up Jamie and tosses him around like he’s a tiny Lego man as Claire keeps her eye on Geillis. Claire finds her moment and swings the knife at her chopping her wee head off.  We flash back to my boyfriend Joe Abernathy showing a female skull and bones to 1960’s Claire and she realizes it was Geillis’s head and she was the murderer! Jamie’s got the upper hand on Hercules but instead of killing him, he lets him go.  Claire hears the water beckoning her to time travel but Jamie’s touch pulls her back cuz who’d leave him? Wee Ian, who’s nobody’s fool, quickly pockets the gems and they skedaddle!
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Back aboard ship Jamie attempts to shave but Claire has other ideas cuz who wouldn’t? #ImNotJealous  Also, let me take a moment to thank Matt Roberts for throwing this scene in as it’s one of my, and millions of other women’s, faves!  #AmITheOnlyOneWhoWorriedTheSoapTastedBadLuckyGirls_meme
A post coital rain storm from hell ruins their day.  Jamie makes his posse stay below deck during the storm since they don’t know wtf they’re doing.  Claire goes above deck because she’s Claire and the storm worsens, disintegrating the ship.  Claire is washed over and Jamie jumps in after her.  (See SECOND PARAGRAPH!  I dinna like shows where people float in water!!!)   Because he’s the King of Men, he gets her to the surface, grabs a piece of wood and Claire and he holds on and they float.JAMMFCPR_meme
A little girl is playing on the beach and discovers Jamie and pokes him with a stick.  He wakes up and crawls to Claire thinking she’s dead, but she’s not because the show has been renewed for Season 4 and also there are 8 books and Diana’s writing the 9th.  A young couple dressed in old timey clothes approaches and tells them they’re in Georgia and the Artemus has run aground and there are survivors. Jamie and Claire have made it to America which means Season 3 is over…SOB
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Post Coital Post Sciptum I’m so sad the Season is over, but so happy we were even able to watch it in the first place.  I also need to expand my horizons and find other shows to watch.  Let’s all stay in touch during the next Droughtlander.  Together we can make it…I know we can.

Post Post Scriptum.  Melissas’s Fun Fact:   The next book, ‘Drums of Autumn is my favorite!!’  My ancestors John Stanchfield and Elizabeth Burns came to Massachusetts from Scotland/England, in the mid 1600’s (they met aboard the small ship) and I always wondered how brave you’d have to be to do that and I canna wait to see this book come to life as these are my peeps! #IAmAnImmigrant

#Outlander, Ep 312, #TheBakra in which Lord John Throws the Worst Party Ever!

Young Ian meets two other boys who were kidnapped and finds out they’re all there for ‘the Bakra.’  Other boys were taken to meet ‘the Bakra’ and they didn’t return.  Ian is brought to ‘the Bakra’s lair who turns out to be Geillis ‘Looneytune’ Duncan, now Abernathy, who bathes her yoga-toned body in blood. She feeds Ian‘Truth Serum Tea’ and he spills the beans that his Uncle Jamie has the other blue sapphire.
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Jamie, Claire and their Posse arrive in Jamaica and are greeted by Kenneth McIver who works for Jared apparently as his Concierge. He invites them to the Governor’s Ball, shows them where they can stay, offers to help find Ian and sends for their luggage.  Can he get me tickets to the Red Sox season opener next Spring?  Jamie and Claire comb through the Slave Market where they discover the Governor bought slaves from the ship Ian was on and Claire accidentally buys a slave, as one does. The slave, Temeraire, says he’ll reconnoiter with the Gov’s slaves at the Ball and help find IanJamieSlave_meme
Back at Wackadoo Geillis’s home, she’s having a wee kebbie-lebbie with Margaret and Archibald because she wants the missing sapphire and she wants it now!  CrazyOne_meme
Jamie, Claire, Farsali, Yi Tien Cho and Temeraire arrive at the Governor’s Ball where they see Mr. Campbell.  Awkward convo ensues. They get in the Receiving Line to meet the Governor and J & C have such intense eye sex I inadvertently drive my car through a tunnel while eating a hotdog and then light a cigarette when I’m done.
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Jamie is shocked to see the new Governor is Lord John GreyLord John is still so much in love with Jamie and Jamie is so happy to see him, I wish they could hug, or at least slap each other on the back, adjust their packages and spit. When they’re alone, Jamie immediately asks about his son Willie(Insert sound of hearts breaking) and is moved to find Willie remembers him.  The tension is verra thick as Claire watches them play a game of emotional catch up.  Jamie tells him Ian’s been kidnapped and Lord John immediately offers to help.  I love me some Lord John!Awkwardsauce_meme
Jamie notices John is wearing the sapphire Jamie gave him and Claire gives him MAJOR side-eye and John excuses himself to run from the room  see to his guests.  Wee Margaret Campbell sits outside by herself when she’s approached by Yi Tien Cho who I think I just fell in love with.  She’s a smitten kitten and he likes her too. They’d be an adorable, improbable couple and I want them to stay together.  Spinoff_meme
Oh goodie.  Time for another awkward conversation between Claire and Lord John when Geillis walks by. Claire follows her outside, Geillis quotes from ‘Casablanca’ and tells Claire she was allowed to live until her baby was born. Someone else was burned at the stake and Dougal helped her escape. Claire tells her they’re looking for Ian and Geillis says she’ll help find him.  GeillisPoem_meme
Back inside the Party From Hell, Claire brings Geillis Duncan up to see Jamie and introduces her to the Governor.  She spots the sapphire on his fancy pin and demands puir Margaret do a reading with the two sapphires in her hand as well as the Gov’s. Margaret’s reading is wackadoo and they try to decipher its meaning. WorstPartyEver_meme
Fergus alerts Jamie that Capt Leonard has arrived and they hightail it outside to their Cinderella carriage.  Temeraire tells him Ian is at Geillis’s house. #LyingHo They hightail it to Geillis’s lair and Temeraire asks to be let out where the escaped slaves live.  Jamie and Claire wish him luck.  Suddenly that rat bastard, Capt. Leonard arrives and arrests Jamie.  Claire gives Leonard a piece of her mind, he doesn’t seem to care, he only wants to  impress his Supervisor and climb the corporate ladder so he drags Jamie away.UngratefulMofo_meme-1
Okay, everybody, I hate to mention it, but we’re gonna have to be brave. Next week is the final episode of the Season. The. Final. Episode. We need to prepare ourselves.  Batten down the hatches and such.  I recommend gin, whisky, chocolate and meditation. And for the love of God, we need to recommend other shows and books to each other.  It’s that serious folks! #Sob

#Outlander epi 311 Re-cap, Featuring #Turtle Soup, Grilled Goat, a Slippery Snake & Fire Ants.

At the end of last week’s episode Claire jumped ship and this week she washes up on shore and realizes she’s in a world of trouble and only has 3 days to find water or die.
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Luckily for our hero, she’s smart as hell, so she dries her clothing, searches for civilization and picks up flint rocks and dried sticks in case she needs to start a fire. That night, she falls asleep and wakes up with fire ants swarming and biting her legs. UnFun Fact:  Fire ants are the bain of my existence in Texas. I hate those little mofos.  #ButIDigress  Next day she finds a coconut but it’s been drained dry and the other ones are too high up in the tree for her to reach even with her perfect 36” inseam. She walks all day falling asleep leaning against a tree.  In the morning, she wakes up to discover a big, nasty snake crawling across her neck.ClaireSnake_meme
She gets up, stumbles through the woods and hears a man’s voice.  As she sees him, she faints and a little, barking dog runs up and finds her. Claire wakes up tied to a bed, with green poultice slimed over her nasty, infected legs. The world’s bitchiest woman dumps water down her throat, gives the zipper on her clothing a suspicious gander and takes off with her clothes.

As she awakens, a priest, Father Fogden greets her, unties her limbs and gives her water.  He tells her there’s a village, one days’ walk from his home but she’s too weak to travel.  He then consults with a coconut for a second opinion. His coconut agrees she’s too weak to travel, but then they have a disagreement…as one does.  FogdenCoconut_meme
At dinner Claire asks how they came to live on the island. Hint: Never ask crazy people a question if you don’t already know the answer Claire.  Fogden says he ran away with a woman who became his wife but she died. The rude woman, his mother-in-law, Mamacita, begins shouting she wants Claire out of their home. Father Looney-Tunes lights up his pipe and gets stoned for the 5th time that day. Mamacita_meme
Next morning Father Stoner and his MIL go apeshit when they find out a Chinese sailor has killed their favorite goat.  Claire hears ‘Chinese sailor’ and takes off running toward the beach cutting her arm in the process. Jamie and a handful of his buddies are on shore fixing part of the ship. By the time Claire gets there, they’ve finished the repairs and are already a few hundred yards off shore.  Pickpocket Claire handily stole a small mirror and now uses it girl-scout style to signal Jamie on the ship.  He rows ashore and they run into each other’s arms. Sadly they’re not in red swimsuits. Or running in slow motion. #WeCantHaveEverything JamieBeach_meme
Yi Tien Cho sews up Claire’s arm and I’m hoping he shows up next season cuz I’m getting verra fond of him. Jamie tells Claire he gave the kids permission to wed and she tells him she ‘knows a guy.’  They go to visit Father Fogden and I wonder if the coconut will assist with the ceremony.  Claire helps #MarsaliRhymesWithParsley get dressed and gives her birth control advice. #GirlPower

Father Fogden marries the happy couple and when Jamie gives Fergus his last name, my iceburg heart melted and pink birds flew out and sang a lovesong.

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Aboard ship, Claire has eaten turtle soup , laced with sherry and managed to get snockered. Jamie attempts to give her a shot of Penicillin but he canna hurt her which is adorable.  Claire’s not so looped that she has forgotten her husband is the hottest guy on the planet so she adorably climbs all over him, trying to seduce him and eventually achieves her goal.
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Only two more episodes this year and then we begin #Droughtlander all over again.  I have no idea how they’re going to squish everything into two more episodes, but I trust they’ll get it done.

In related news, I really need to expand my TV viewing world, but I’m not sure where to begin.  Nothing compares to our show, does it?  I’m the hardest person to suggest a tv show to and this is why.  I don’t like shows where people float in outer space or under water because then I can’t breathe.  I don’t like shows with slavery.  *I don’t like shows with torture.  I don’t like shows where they hurt children. The writing has to be smart and witty is a bonus.  That leaves Grace and Frankie, Gilmore Girl’s and Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman reruns.  Any suggestions my peeps?

*(I had a very hard time with the episodes where Jamie was whipped and tortured so I watched without volume through my fingers.) 

 

#Outlander re-cap, Ep 309 #TheDoldrums, or ‘More Than A Three Hour Tour with A Ginger and His Wife.’

Jamie and Claire are searching for young Ian with the help of cousin Jared who has arranged for Jamie to serve as Super Cargo on a ship heading to Jamaica which is French for ‘seasick Scotsman whose cousin owns the boat.’  Compared to white-haired Ian Murray,  Father Time has been kind to Jared probably due to his visits to Ye Olde Elizabeth Arden Dockside which is popular in FranceMr. Willoughby, Fergus and the new Angus & Rupert whose names are Hayes and Lesley or ‘Hayley’ are also along for the voyage.  Good cuz they seem like fun.
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Aboard ship, Jamie tells Claire to touch the horse shoe nailed on the wall for good luck and speaking of luck apparently redheads and women are bad luck on boats. Fergus shows up with Marsali and they announce they are handfast (this was a way to get a quickie marriage before the Elvis Chapel in Vegas was invented.)  Jamie has a wee hissy fit and says the boys are rooming together as are the girls, so NO hanky panky!
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Jamie is stuck in auto-barf mode and Claire is called away to take care of a head wound. There’s more BS among the sailors about the cause of the accident being lack of horse shoe touching or LOHST. #Geez  Claire and the Captain bond over their love of quoting Shakespeare and later dine together while Jamie continues to puke in a bucket. Mr. Willougby tells Jamie if he keeps vomiting, his balls will become twisted and need to be chopped off.  Marsali and Claire go at it Mean Girl Style deciding who gets which bed like a 5th grade sleepover.WilloughbyBalls_meme
Mr. Willoughby, whose Ted Talk I’d like to see, is drawing his life’s story with water on the deck. He says ‘a story told is a life lived but he’s not ready to tell his story.’  Down below, the deckhands are singing, playing instruments and generally acting sailory.  Claire discovers Mr. Willoughby is giving Jamie accupuncture and they’ve been hiding it and I don’t get why.  Jamie looks adorable and sexy with needles sticking out of his face because of course he does.  Suddenly they realize the ship has stopped moving.  Cue the additional TV show plot and this episode’s name, ‘The Doldrums.’JamieNeedles_meme
Because the wind has stopped, these sailors think it has something to do with LOHST or some such and they’re looking for someone to blame.  Everyone except white males are suspect and that plot point hits a little close to home these days. That night, Jamie and Claire get some grown up time and snuggle looking up at the moon.  This must be her reward for putting up with seething Frank Randall for 20 years. Lucky girl.
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Gilligan, the Skipper, Thurston Howell the Third and the rest of the un-named sailors have been stuck in the middle of the ocean for weeks, the water supply is running low and now the lantern-jawed sailor wants to find someone to blame and throw overboard.  The Captain says if they’re able to do that, it might pick up their spirits. I can’t help but think an iPad or some video games might help but I dinna think they’re invented yet. They finally decide to kill Hayes so he drunkenly climbs up the ropes to the top of the sail to kill himself instead, so our hero Jamie climbs up to save him JAMMF style cuz that’s what he always does. After they climb down, there’s a large kerfuffle which Mr. Willoughby brilliantly defuses by judging weather with a seagull that is not called Ping An. (Hey Bookreaders Hey, that was for you!)  The winds pick up, the rain comes, they refill their barrels and they’re all happy.
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Jamie and Claire get a few moments alone for some quick hanky panky on top of a pile of sails.  He says he likes her grey hair thereby worming his way into the hearts of women around the world over the age of 32-ish.GreyHair_meme
A British ship signals them to pull over, and the Captain who looks like a college freshman comes aboard to say they’ve got an illness that’s killing his men. Claire goes to their ship to help out.  It’s filled with young men puking, moaning and experiencing loud, explosive diarrhea, much like a frat party only without any of the fun. She’s in the middle of explaining what they should do to stop the illness, when the ship sets sail with her aboard and separating her from Jamie.
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These two can’t seem to catch a break and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us! See you next week #Outlander friends!

#Outlander re-cap, Ep 308: First Wives Club, Kebbie Lebbies and Jenny from the Broch is still a B. PS Retweets always welcome!

Jamie, Claire and young Ian gallop home and Jenny ‘Grumpyface’ Murray is NOT happy to see them. The Ingrates of Lallybroch give Jamie holy hell, but let’s peruse a partial list of what he’s done for them over the years, shall we?

1) Turned himself in and gone to prison, so they could have the reward money.
2) Sent most of his money home from his English indentured servitude.
3) Sent most of his money home from the Printshop.
4) Had Claire tell them to plant potatoes to survive the famine. 

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Jamie and Ian have a bro moment that warms the cockles of my heart. Jenny gives Claire shite for being away 20 years. Jenny gives Jamie shite for marrying LaoghaireJenny gives Jamie shite for not sharing his grief with her.  Jenny has no more shite to give.
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Jamie and Claire are in their room and he tells her about going to Silkie Island years ago and discovering the fortune which catches up the non-obsessive viewers/normal people on the plot. Jamie says he must tell her a secret but before he can, the door flies open ‘All My Children’ style and two girls demand to know who Claire is. She flips out to discover Jamie’s married L’eery, there’s a shouting match and everyone except Claire goes downstairs where Jamie sweetly explains to his red-headed step child that he loves her and will always take care of her. #ImNotCryingYoureCryingCentralHeat_meme
Jamie tells Claire he’s not the girls’ father and there are a whole lot of red heads in Scotland which she’d know if she ever bothered to go on one of those Outlander tours that are gaining popularity. He says the sweetest thing to her, followed up with ‘even though you left me…’   Dude!  We were all there…you literally dragged her to those stones!!! Footnote: They used SO much of Diana Gabaldon’s ACTUAL WORDS FROM THE BOOK, I jumped up and danced around the room. Note to writers:  DO THIS EVERY TIME!!!
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Claire finds out Jenny sent her daughter to get Laoghaire which started the wee ‘kebbie lebbie’ an expression which I’m now going to casually use in every day conversation.  She tells Jenny she had another husband in America and came to visit Jamie’s grave after her husband died.  #WhiteLie  Jenny responds with her classic nasty gal BS. UnFun Fact: From first grade through high school, I was bullied by the meanest witch ever created and even I gave her a fake smile at our high school reunion and asked about her kids…and she wasn’t even family! Try to be nice, Jenny!!!
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Claire tries to leave Lallybroch and Jamie stops her.  Laoghaire shows up, accidentally shoots Jamie and takes off. Claire gives Jamie some magical whisky that knocks him out long enough for surgery. Where can I get some of THAT?
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Jamie recuperates in the dining room and tells Claire how he ended up married to Laoghaire.
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My one true love, Ned Gowan shows up and tells Jamie how much dough Laoghaire wants for a settlement.  Jamie decides to go to Silkie Island and get the coins to pay her off.
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Young Ian volunteers to swim to the island and afterwards Jamie will take him to Paris  to exchange the coins for cash. Ian retrieves the box but the ‘Perfect Timing Pirate Ship’ arrives and they kidnap Ian and steal the treasure. 

 I don’t want to be there when Jenny finds out. #ShesScarierThanThePirates

 

 

 

 

#Outlander Re-cap Ep 307, ‘Creme de Menthe, TV Claire, and How I Struggle with This Episode’s Adaptation’

My thoughts before the re-cap:  I love my husband.  If I thought he was dead for 20 years and found out he was alive and was still madly in love with me, there’s nothing that could keep us apart.  If on the second day together, I put his livelihood, life and freedom on the line for someone who was trying to kill me and destroy him, I’d invite everyone I know to kick my ass and send me back through the stones posthaste.

As a 20-year book reader, I have learned about adaptations and how and why they have to be the way they are.  Up until now, there has never been an episode where I was so verklempt about the adaptation, I thought I’d lose my damn mind.  I realize the book is the book and the show is the show, however, other than the physical resemblance to Jamie and Claire, I did not recognize the leads in this episode.  For once, I’m jealous of non-book readers because they’re lucky enough not to know what they’re missing. I’m praying this is an anomaly and next week we’re back on track.  End of rant. Now, on with the recap.

Claire returns to Jamie’s room to discover Sir Percival’s exciseman is looking through his papers. He threatens to rape and kill her. She grabs a knife, fights him, he trips, hits his head and he’s out.  Jamie returns to the room in time for the assailant to moan and show he’s still alive.  The woman who I shall now refer to as ‘TV Claire’ does a 180 and decides that saving the life of the man who tried to rape and kill her is now her priority, even if it means Jamie the man she spent 20 years yearning for could lose his livelihood, go to prison for his crimes and/or be put to death.  The same could happen to TV Claire, Madame Jeanne, young Ian and Fergus.

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TV Claire hightails it to Ye Olde Walgreen’s to buy laudanum and other shizzle for the unnecessary surgery and meets the Rev. Archibald Campbell aka the Fiend, I mean a kindly carny-type guy named Mr. Campbell who has a sister who’s a psycho psychic. TV Claire offers to make a house call if she can cut in line.

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TV Claire begins the unnecessary surgery on her wannabe rapist putting all their lives at risk and generally behaving like an obnoxious B when Sir Percival Fancypants arrives and demands to search the premises.  He is unsuccessful in his search because the boys have gotten rid of the booze along with some unwanted Creme de Menthe.

Jamie heads back from ‘The Lobby of Flailing Bosoms’ to tell her ‘this ends now.’  TV Claire responds nastily with, ‘he’s dead, you’ve got your wish.’  Eventually TV Claire apologizes for her bull$hit.

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TV Claire ‘house calls’ on Margaret Campbell who raves maniacally about frogs and such.  Rev. Mr. Campbell says he’ll be traveling soon to the West Indies because he has a wealthy client waiting.  #Foreshadow

Ian and Fergus hit the local bar where they decide it’s time for young Ian to have some Scottish sexy time with a cutie-pie barmaid.  With a little instruction from Fergus, Ian leaves with the barmaid who doesn’t even have to clock out. They go to the Printshop where, just like his uncle, he tries to do it horsey-style. Doesn’t he have like 5 brothers and sisters? Don’t they ever talk about this stuff?

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TV Claire returns home and their body language and snarking seems more like a couple who’ve been seething rather than burning for 20 years.  She suggests they move out of the brothel and Jamie’s like one of those guys on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy who doesn’t realize how bad his home is until someone with taste intervenes.  TV Claire tells Jamie she wants to open a medical practice out of the Printshop.

Ian Sr arrives looking for his son and is shocked and thrilled to see TV Claire. They feed him their half baked version of events and he seems to swallow it.  McDreamy Murray is sporting a long grey-blonde ponytail with his wee pirate leg, but dude is one sexy Scot. Jamie lies and tells Ian he hasn’t seen his son.

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At the Printshop, one of Sir Fancypant’s minions breaks in looking for the booze and finds the flyers Jamie said were well hidden. #Eyeroll  Young Ian confronts him, they fight and Ian flings hot liquid lead in his face and minion escapes. The Printshop goes up in flames and Ian swoons.

Back at the hoor house, TV Claire confronts Jamie about lying to Ian about having young Ian with him. TV Claire responds by saying Jamie‘s never raised a child which is about as insensitive a comment as possible.  #ThatsNotHisFaultBee-otch

The Unhappy Head Hooker rushes in to say there’s a fire in Carfax Close.  They take off for the Printshop which is in flames. Jamie rushes in, moves the press to the wall, flings Ian on his back and climbs the wall and saves them both. (He must work out at Gold’s Gym.)  They decide to take young Ian back to Lallybroch and Jamie sends Fergus to get the lowdown from Ned Gowan about what he should do about his other wife. #TangledWebs

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I reeeaaaallly hope next week they’re back to the Jamie and Claire I know and love because for me, this episode was pure torture.  Note: Sets, costumes, casting and music were perfect, but geez.

 

It’s the #Outlander #Printshop re-cap featuring lots of ‘Claimie’ lovin and an All New Supporting Cast!!

A little business before we start.  I loved this episode. For me it delivered on every. single. level.  I also want to say, I’m so tired of the #OutlanderBitching it’s like a real medical diagnosis that has no cure.  Now that’s out of the way, let’s take a look at these hopeful opening credits!!  YAAS!

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We pick right back up from Jamie’s point of view where we see him walking through the streets to his Printshop tipping his tricorne and I also noticed his gait is a bit old-mannish.  {If I’m wrong and this is how the actor known as wee Sam Heughan walks in real life, my apologies.}  Jamie has made a life for himself and there’s a happy hooker who IMO is yearning to jump his celtic bones. #HandsOffBee-otch  At the Printshop, his two goofy compadres startle Mac Dubh.  They’re new comic relief though I’ll always miss ‘Rangus.’  His persnickety employee, Geordie, arrives and is razzed by the new guys.

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Claire enters the shop and Jamie swoons. I never thought a man running a printing press in old timey glasses could be hot, but alas I was wrong.  #HubbaHubba Claire and Jamie spend the next few minutes kissing, whispering their feelings and generally breaking my heart.

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Just then cock-blocker extraordinaire, Geordie, returns and earns an Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in an Episodic Drama Award. Dude is hilarious.

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They’re nervous and unsure with each other which rings true.  {Fun fact: Early in our marriage my husband was once gone 6 weeks and I was a nervous wreck when he came home so I can’t imagine how difficult 20 years would be.}  Jamie sees pictures of Brianna, but has to wear his glasses and it’s so adorable that he thinks he looks old. Nope, we’d all volunteer to jump him and I say that with total respect and admiration and apologize in advance for the objectification. Jamie tells Claire about Willie and the circumstances surrounding him.  The church bell chimes and it’s 1:00 and Jamie remembers he needs to see a pervert about an elbow.

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In the street we bump into Fergus and there’s a quick, heartwarming reunion as their little family is reunited again. Claire notices his carved wooden hand which is a beautiful work of art.  We meet Mr. Willoughby who I like more than the Willoughby in the book and I love that Claire treats him like an equal which I don’t imagine he gets a lot of. Jamie meets some fancified old dude in the cellar and they argue about money. Something about booze.

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Jamie takes Claire to his [whore} house where there are lots of giant boobies flailing around the lobby.   Madame Jeanne is LESS than pleased to see Claire.  They go up to his room and they talk and talk and get comfortable with each other again and it’s very reminiscent of their wedding night. Then they undress and if I thought I was thrilled with Claire’s ingenious raincoat dress, I’m ecstatic with her ‘Cross Your Heart’ long-line bra contraption {like my Aunt Helen used to wear and which fascinated me as a child} that she has reconfigured into a corset. Then I see the mattress ticking bum roll and I love the thought that Claire put into trying to fit in.  There follows a night of passion that I’ll only describe in the most mature of ways, as I’m very classy, as ‘Awooga! Bowchickabowow!, Holy Shitake Mushrooms Batman!’ and the like. I’ve read that some people have already watched this episode 5 or 10 times. That’s impressive!!

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Jamie heads out on an errand and wee Ian Murray shows up. They have a quick convo, then Claire goes downstairs and joins the friendly hoors for breakfast and they give her their Top Tips on birth control, freshening their hoohas and how to get a guy off in 60 seconds.  It’s like charm school only the women are more forthcoming.  Suddenly Madame Jeanne, the Unhappy Hooker, shows up and shoos Claire out and gives her ladies the what for.

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Claire gets back to her room and some scary, filthy a-hole is going through their room looking for Jamie’s papers.  He threatens to ‘fuck’ her and we go to black.  Previews look a little scary so I guess the writers have some new stuff in store for us.  I really hope that jerk doesn’t go through with it but I guess I’ll have to wait till next week to find out.

Until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

#Outlander, Epi 305, Mini Re-cap, ‘So Many Secrets and Let’s Find Jamie.’

Dr. Randall is showing the men how it’s done in the O. R. at the same time Brianna is at Harvard and we learn she’s failing and her dad’s friend wants to know what’s wrong. She declines to elaborate. BriannaCollege_meme

Dr. Joe [who is EXACTLY the Dr. Joe in my brain], as the Casting on this show uses crystal balls, knows something’s going on with Claire and thinks it has to do with a man, so he goes all Columbo on her to try to find out what’s up but she gives him a VERY abridged version .

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Back in Boston, Roger ‘Bad Timing’ Wakefield, arrives at the brownstone just in time to hear the Randall women going at it yet again. God bless him for his persistence though.  Claire’s losing her shizzle because Brianna’s dropping out of school.  After a very brief hello, Bree storms out and Roger tells Claire he solved the mystery she has worked on for 20 years and found Jamie and instead of thanking him she goes a little bit nutty.  RogerConfused_meme

Meanwhile back at the hospital, Dr. Joe Abernathy shows Claire a female skeleton which she senses is a murder victim from over 150 years ago. She also tells Joe that the Scottish Mystery Man is Bree’s father.  Bree invites Roger to Harvard where they’re honoring Frank with a Fellowship. Frank’s sidepiece Sandy gives Claire a ‘what for’ and takes off and I feel bad for all of them although the mistress should never confront the widow cuz it gives everybody the ickies. Claire tells Brianna the truth about Sandy. Then she tells her that Roger found Jamie and Brianna tells her to go back to him.

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The hospital staff are watching the Apollo 8 Mission to the Moon as Claire thinks about her journey that went even farther. Bree and Claire soul search about whether she should go to Jamie and the fact that they may never see each other again.  Brianna tells her to go back and tell Jamie she’s alive and my Grinch heart grows 3 sizes more and I can’t take much more of this cuz I’ve got a daughter too. Claire is afraid that Jamie may have forgotten her and not love her and Brianna assures her he’ll never forget.

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Claire asks Joe if she’s attractive…sexually and he asks if it’s a trick question.  He tells her she’s ‘skinny, white broad with too much hair and a great ass’ and I think he’s pretty fabulous and now I love him and have begun planning our imaginary wedding.

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The little Christmas elves Brianna and Roger buy Claire some antique money, a Scottish history book and a topaz necklace.  She’s taking scalpels and Penicillin and she sews a dress out of raincoats and I think it’s such a frakkin brilliant idea, I’m inspired to make a home-made Emmy out of my son’s old baseball trophy and a Tammy doll (not Barbie!) and mail it to Terry Dresbach in Scotland to go along with the real one she already has. I also wonder if they blindfolded one of the regular seamstresses so the dress wouldn’t look too good.

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Claire examines herself in the mirror and is unhappy with her grey streaks so she calls on her friend Miss Clairol to help a girl out.  Claire gives Ellen’s pearls to Brianna and I’m starting to sniffle.  Brianna and Roger exchange gifts and he looks at her with unmasked love and I get why everyone’s all hot and bothered over Richard Rankin.  Yup, he’s hot.

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Claire exits a Boston taxi but its really a Scottish carriage, a nice homage to the beginning of Season 2 and the airplane exit to Jamie’s hand. She heads down the cobblestone street towards Carfax Close and the nearer she gets, the harder my heart pounds and I reach for a box of Kleenex and try to remind myself it’s just a tv show but my heart forgets.  As the bell tinkles on the Print Shop door, I’m terrified that the episode will end but NO, God and Ron Moore love us and the scene continues.  Jamie’s voice calls out to Geordie and Claire answers that it’s her. His body stills and he slowly turns and looks up at her and I can’t believe it’s happening(!) and then he faints just like the book and Claire’s expression is  wonderfully shocked and the episode ends.

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This episode, in my opinion, was just about as perfect as it gets, but this show is just about as perfect as it gets, so it’s hard for me to tell which episodes are the best.  What I do know is that it’s the best show on television and I’m thrilled to be able to see it.

PS  The sets, music and set decoration have been COMPLETELY BRILLIANT this season but there’s no place to put it in the re-cap but I want to make sure I said it just in case an anvil falls on my head tomorrow.

Outlander Mini Re-cap, Epi 301, ‘We’ve All Got the Sadz and Who’s Your Daddy?’

Quick housekeeping note.  I’ll no longer be doing long re-caps on a steady basis for various reasons.  You can read about that here: 

https://melissasobservations.com/2017/09/06/until-we-meet-again-my-outlander-friends/

When the mood strikes, I may be writing mini-recaps that can be done quickly.  Here comes one now.

I understand the first six episodes will be divided between Jamie’s time in 1700’s Scotland and Claire’s time in late 1940’s through the 1960’s.  This episode flashed back between them and we open with Jamie in Culloden, a time the British should not be proud of.  There’s a lot of violence, waiting around, sadness and annoying people…not unlike my honeymoon. (Hey Prince Charles, ya big loser…)

We pop over to Boston where Frank #sigh and Claire check out an apartment that looks like my college dorm.  #ShoutOutToBeaconStreetYo  Claire is having difficulty keeping the stove lit, much less cooking on it.

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She decides to run out and buy some wood and cook in her fireplace.  She meets the neighborhood Chatty Cathy/Stepford Wife whose outlook depresses the hell out of me.

The highlanders are caught in the small house on the edge of Culloden Field where 99.9% of them meet their maker.  They contemplate making a run for it, but decide there’s no point.

Claire attends a Harvard faculty meeting with Frank and must subject herself to his boss, a blustering, pompous buffoon whose douchebaggery makes me carsick.  She bites her tongue and doesn’t poison his drink so I put this one down as a plus in the victory column.

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Back in Culloden, Jamie asks if anyone knows what happened to Murtagh.  (Please baby Jesus/Ron Moore, let him show up next season, I beg you.)  The British come into the house and let them know they’ll be killing them all.  Lord Melton, a.k.a. sibling of Lord John, is in charge of the murders.  Other than that, he seems like a nice guy Mrs. Lincoln

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Back in Boston, Claire springs it on Frank that she wants to become an American citizen.  The cozy breakfast conversation devolves into her throwing an ashtray at his head, something I’m not too proud to admit I’ve done before. #GeminiProblems

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We’re back at Culloden which = Murder and Sadness.  The British kill a bunch of innocent people and I’m getting cranky.

Frank is sleeping on the Castro Convertible when Claire hobbles out to say her water has broken.

In Culloden House, Lord Melton discovers his prisoner is JAMMF and he’s in a pickle because he can’t murder him since Jamie spared his brother’s life. They decide to stick him in a hay wagon and take him to Lallybroch. Poor Rupert is executed and I’m beside myself.  I’d hoped they might keep him alive since we all love him so much and I must remind myself it’s only a tv show.

 

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Frank and Claire hightail it to the hospital where she must endure another mysoginistic twit of a man who delivers the baby.  Side note: Most realistic labor I’ve ever seen.

Jamie wakes up and he’s at Lallybroch with Jenny and Ian over him.  Claire wakes up and Frank carries red-headed Brianna into the room. They kiss and make up. Frank is sweet.  I still want JAMMF.

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Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.