#Outlander, Epi 305, Mini Re-cap, ‘So Many Secrets and Let’s Find Jamie.’

Dr. Randall is showing the men how it’s done in the O. R. at the same time Brianna is at Harvard and we learn she’s failing and her dad’s friend wants to know what’s wrong. She declines to elaborate. BriannaCollege_meme

Dr. Joe [who is EXACTLY the Dr. Joe in my brain], as the Casting on this show uses crystal balls, knows something’s going on with Claire and thinks it has to do with a man, so he goes all Columbo on her to try to find out what’s up but she gives him a VERY abridged version .

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Back in Boston, Roger ‘Bad Timing’ Wakefield, arrives at the brownstone just in time to hear the Randall women going at it yet again. God bless him for his persistence though.  Claire’s losing her shizzle because Brianna’s dropping out of school.  After a very brief hello, Bree storms out and Roger tells Claire he solved the mystery she has worked on for 20 years and found Jamie and instead of thanking him she goes a little bit nutty.  RogerConfused_meme

Meanwhile back at the hospital, Dr. Joe Abernathy shows Claire a female skeleton which she senses is a murder victim from over 150 years ago. She also tells Joe that the Scottish Mystery Man is Bree’s father.  Bree invites Roger to Harvard where they’re honoring Frank with a Fellowship. Frank’s sidepiece Sandy gives Claire a ‘what for’ and takes off and I feel bad for all of them although the mistress should never confront the widow cuz it gives everybody the ickies. Claire tells Brianna the truth about Sandy. Then she tells her that Roger found Jamie and Brianna tells her to go back to him.

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The hospital staff are watching the Apollo 8 Mission to the Moon as Claire thinks about her journey that went even farther. Bree and Claire soul search about whether she should go to Jamie and the fact that they may never see each other again.  Brianna tells her to go back and tell Jamie she’s alive and my Grinch heart grows 3 sizes more and I can’t take much more of this cuz I’ve got a daughter too. Claire is afraid that Jamie may have forgotten her and not love her and Brianna assures her he’ll never forget.

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Claire asks Joe if she’s attractive…sexually and he asks if it’s a trick question.  He tells her she’s ‘skinny, white broad with too much hair and a great ass’ and I think he’s pretty fabulous and now I love him and have begun planning our imaginary wedding.

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The little Christmas elves Brianna and Roger buy Claire some antique money, a Scottish history book and a topaz necklace.  She’s taking scalpels and Penicillin and she sews a dress out of raincoats and I think it’s such a frakkin brilliant idea, I’m inspired to make a home-made Emmy out of my son’s old baseball trophy and a Tammy doll (not Barbie!) and mail it to Terry Dresbach in Scotland to go along with the real one she already has. I also wonder if they blindfolded one of the regular seamstresses so the dress wouldn’t look too good.

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Claire examines herself in the mirror and is unhappy with her grey streaks so she calls on her friend Miss Clairol to help a girl out.  Claire gives Ellen’s pearls to Brianna and I’m starting to sniffle.  Brianna and Roger exchange gifts and he looks at her with unmasked love and I get why everyone’s all hot and bothered over Richard Rankin.  Yup, he’s hot.

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Claire exits a Boston taxi but its really a Scottish carriage, a nice homage to the beginning of Season 2 and the airplane exit to Jamie’s hand. She heads down the cobblestone street towards Carfax Close and the nearer she gets, the harder my heart pounds and I reach for a box of Kleenex and try to remind myself it’s just a tv show but my heart forgets.  As the bell tinkles on the Print Shop door, I’m terrified that the episode will end but NO, God and Ron Moore love us and the scene continues.  Jamie’s voice calls out to Geordie and Claire answers that it’s her. His body stills and he slowly turns and looks up at her and I can’t believe it’s happening(!) and then he faints just like the book and Claire’s expression is  wonderfully shocked and the episode ends.

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This episode, in my opinion, was just about as perfect as it gets, but this show is just about as perfect as it gets, so it’s hard for me to tell which episodes are the best.  What I do know is that it’s the best show on television and I’m thrilled to be able to see it.

PS  The sets, music and set decoration have been COMPLETELY BRILLIANT this season but there’s no place to put it in the re-cap but I want to make sure I said it just in case an anvil falls on my head tomorrow.

Outlander Mini Re-cap, Epi 301, ‘We’ve All Got the Sadz and Who’s Your Daddy?’

Quick housekeeping note.  I’ll no longer be doing long re-caps on a steady basis for various reasons.  You can read about that here: 

https://melissasobservations.com/2017/09/06/until-we-meet-again-my-outlander-friends/

When the mood strikes, I may be writing mini-recaps that can be done quickly.  Here comes one now.

I understand the first six episodes will be divided between Jamie’s time in 1700’s Scotland and Claire’s time in late 1940’s through the 1960’s.  This episode flashed back between them and we open with Jamie in Culloden, a time the British should not be proud of.  There’s a lot of violence, waiting around, sadness and annoying people…not unlike my honeymoon. (Hey Prince Charles, ya big loser…)

We pop over to Boston where Frank #sigh and Claire check out an apartment that looks like my college dorm.  #ShoutOutToBeaconStreetYo  Claire is having difficulty keeping the stove lit, much less cooking on it.

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She decides to run out and buy some wood and cook in her fireplace.  She meets the neighborhood Chatty Cathy/Stepford Wife whose outlook depresses the hell out of me.

The highlanders are caught in the small house on the edge of Culloden Field where 99.9% of them meet their maker.  They contemplate making a run for it, but decide there’s no point.

Claire attends a Harvard faculty meeting with Frank and must subject herself to his boss, a blustering, pompous buffoon whose douchebaggery makes me carsick.  She bites her tongue and doesn’t poison his drink so I put this one down as a plus in the victory column.

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Back in Culloden, Jamie asks if anyone knows what happened to Murtagh.  (Please baby Jesus/Ron Moore, let him show up next season, I beg you.)  The British come into the house and let them know they’ll be killing them all.  Lord Melton, a.k.a. sibling of Lord John, is in charge of the murders.  Other than that, he seems like a nice guy Mrs. Lincoln

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Back in Boston, Claire springs it on Frank that she wants to become an American citizen.  The cozy breakfast conversation devolves into her throwing an ashtray at his head, something I’m not too proud to admit I’ve done before. #GeminiProblems

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We’re back at Culloden which = Murder and Sadness.  The British kill a bunch of innocent people and I’m getting cranky.

Frank is sleeping on the Castro Convertible when Claire hobbles out to say her water has broken.

In Culloden House, Lord Melton discovers his prisoner is JAMMF and he’s in a pickle because he can’t murder him since Jamie spared his brother’s life. They decide to stick him in a hay wagon and take him to Lallybroch. Poor Rupert is executed and I’m beside myself.  I’d hoped they might keep him alive since we all love him so much and I must remind myself it’s only a tv show.

 

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Frank and Claire hightail it to the hospital where she must endure another mysoginistic twit of a man who delivers the baby.  Side note: Most realistic labor I’ve ever seen.

Jamie wakes up and he’s at Lallybroch with Jenny and Ian over him.  Claire wakes up and Frank carries red-headed Brianna into the room. They kiss and make up. Frank is sweet.  I still want JAMMF.

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Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Updated! Outlander Epi #2, or… How I Met Your Brother, Colum MacKenzie

The weary travelers arrive at Castle Leoch wearing old timey golf hats like the one my grandfather Mickey Maguire wore.  It’s the first day of school and everyone has a friend except Claire.  ‘Domestic Manager’ Mrs. Fitz happily greets the gang including Murtagh whom she tells ‘smells like shit’ thus eliciting his first smile of the season.  She then notices Claire and Jamie introduces her while distancing himself like a kid who doesn’t know why a stray dog followed him home.

Mrs. F tries to haul Claire into the house to feed and dress her but Claire wants to tend to Jamie’s bullet wound instead.   Upon discovering Claire’s a healer, Mrs. F  morphs from cuddly grandma to torch wielding Salem townsfolk  but then decides to drag Jamie inside to be taken care of.

I feel bad that Jamie was shot, but gosh darn that means he has to take his shirt off and Holy Objectification Batman, that. man. is. fine.  Jamie explains to Claire how he got his scars when that SOB Black Jack Randall whipped him.  Jamie has gone weeks without bathing but seems fresh as a daisy so I convince myself he snuck in 5 minutes for a hot bath, manscaping and teeth whitening before presenting his gorgeous ginger self to Claire.

Flashback and it’s the redcoats.  I admit I hit the mute button when they whipped Jamie and not just cuz my dog told me to.  I’ve been so excited to see Jenny who is one of my favorite characters and oh crap, Jack Randall has her.  I feel so bad for Jenny and I shout at the TV so she’s not afraid to go in the house because he has ‘dysfunction issues’.  Sadly, she does not appear to hear me.

Back to present.  Jamie tells Claire she has a gentle touch and her husband is a lucky man.  She begins to cry and awkwardly says ‘he is not alive.’  Jamie sweetly comforts her and Claire notices that little Jamie has zero dysfunction issues so she jumps away.  They exchange a few words, and (sigh…..) Jamie grabs his big sword by the handle and leaves the room.

Hours later, Mrs. Fitz wakes Claire up rom-com style, whipping back the curtains and shouting her out of bed.  She must go meet ‘Himself’ but first she must eat some broth.  Claire’s hair is a giant rat’s nest just like my little sister’s used to look if I’m being honest. She has two sips and Mrs. F snatches it away.  No wonder she’s skinny, she’s only had around 30 calories in 72 hours. Mrs. F starts to undress her though she’s confused by Claire’s Cross Your Heart bra but Claire lies and passes it off as ‘French’ (I’ve noticed they get blamed for a lot of stuff that’s not really their fault).

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If it was me, I would’ve kept the bra for the next 20+ years, washing it in Woolite and clutching it to myself while I slept because it’s not like you can buy another one at the local Target.  A fascinating Disney Channel clothing montage ensues as Claire is dressed in around 17 layers of gorgeous clothing which weigh more than a Kevlar vest.  She even straps on a giant fake inner tube thing that looks like a Kardashian butt which cannot be comfortable.  I guess men have always liked big butts and they cannot lie. Also, I notice Claire is all gorgeous dewiness without make up and then I remember life is not fair. 😦

Claire is escorted to Colum’s office/birdhouse and his legs are worse than I pictured and I wonder if it’s prosthetics, CGI or a combo.  Colum practically shines a light in her eyes and questions her ‘Film Noir’ style.  Claire conveniently flashes back to Frank’s Youtube Instructional Video titled ‘How to Survive Time Travel Interrogation Under Duress’Colum questions the validity of her ‘almost being raped by Black Jack story’ and Claire counters with a haughty “Is there ever a GOOD reason for rape Master MacKenzie?”  She receives his promise she can leave in 5 days with a tinker who will take her to Inverness. “What’s a tinker and I can last 5 days” Claire thinks as she steps jauntily outside and into the most beautiful lighting God ever shone on planet Earth.  She looks down to see Dougal playing with his, I mean, Colum’s son Hamish.

Claire enters the Hall, which reminds me of the original La Madeleine French restaurant in Austin only better, with her boobies pushed up so high it hurts.  (This reminds me that I’m home for the night and I remove MY bra from underneath my clothing and hang it over the side of my chair.)  I’m relieved she will finally get a decent meal, but instead she falls for the oldest trick in the book and knocks back enough booze to kill a donkey and cannot keep her yap shut.  I love the wineglasses and make a note to search for equivalent at Crate and Barrel.  Dougal and Colum have a ‘discussion’ about whether Jamie should stay in the stables or the castle.  Meanwhile, Claire stumbles out of the Hall and off stage where she probably vomits into a vintage metal bucket though I’m just guessing.

Next morning Claire dresses in another gorgeous outfit and heads to the kitchen where she declines Mrs. F’s offer to heat up some porridge which makes me wonder if Mrs. F has a medieval microwave stashed somewhere.  She heads out carrying a basket of goodies like Little Plaid Riding Hood to find young Jamie in the stables.  Jamie and Claire sit on a blanket, and he shovels in food like a teamster and she pretends to eat.  After lunch, Jamie stands to leave, then bravely squats down facing the camera to say one last thing and I swear I can hear women screaming across the world, their squeels echoing through hills and valleys then across the oceans and into outerspace.

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Rupert, the house detective, is waiting for her.  He explains he’s Dougal’s eyes and tomorrow Angus will be trailing her and Angus smells bad and fornicates with animals so she should count her blessings.  I love Rupert!  He’s like our friend from high school who still lives in his parents’ basement and never works, but we love hanging out with him cuz he’s so damn fun!  Claire stomps into the castle and confronts Dougal and mentions she’s leaving in 4 days.  What a dope.

The next day or day after (I’m losing track!) she gets dressed cramming what looks like a disposable air conditioning filter (what is that thing?) down her dress as she heads to the garden and meets Geillis Duncan who is intelligent, wise cracking and looks like she’s made out of glass. She invites Claire to come visit sometime.

Bagpipes play as Colum sits on a throne and listens to his tenants’ problems (‘he stole my cows’ and such).  Claire stands with Geillis who’s her Gaidhlig to English translator.  Next up is Laoghaire whose Dad says she’s a ho and the menfolk decide to beat the crap out of her.  Jamie decides to take her punishment because he’s noble and I really wish he wouldn’t.  The beating begins and it’s all fun and games til Rupert sucker punches his shoulder.  Later, Claire patches up Jamie when Mrs. F arrives with her potions and says ‘thanks yo, Leghair is my granddaughter’.  She does not bring leeches which I was looking forward to, but I guess they weren’t in the budget.  Claire tells Jamie, she’s hitting the road in two days and he can take his own bandage off, bye Felicia.  He takes the news like a champ and they begin to look meaningfully at each other when Leghair peers around the corner at him. Claire leaves and Jamie looks at Leeeery and lets out a deep sigh.

Tinker’s here (turns out he’s like a mobile 7-11) and Claire’s bags are packed and she’s ready to go.  Dougal’s all ‘hold up little filly’ and takes her to see Colum who breaks the bad news.  ‘You’re here to stay. This room is the Minor Emergency Dungeon, the doctor is in and it’s you’.

Poor Claire.  Poor Jamie.  Poor us! When will we get to see some Clamie kisses?  I hope soon, and I wish yet again, that I was able to binge watch this show instead of waiting week to week.

#Outlander, Epi 213 Re-cap: Claire and Bree are Houseguests from Hell, we meet Yummy Roger Wakefield and Jamie Can’t Catch A Break.

The day we’re all dreading has arrived.  No not election day in America, but rather the Outlander Season 2 finale where Jamie and Claire are finally parted and I’m not one bit happy about it.  Luckily, and I’ll say this now to get it out of the way, I LOVED this episode. In no particular order, I loved Brianna’s hair, eye color and height, Roger’s beard, tweed jacket and bookish hunkiness, Jamie’s tragic warrior, stoic husband-father persona, Claire’s 1960’s JackieO glam, eye shadow and grey streaks in her hair.  In a related story, as a child I knew a lady with grey streaks in her hair EXACTLY LIKE THAT and I called that poor woman ‘the skunk lady’ behind her back.  I certainly hope  I was sent to my room without any porridge for my thoughtless comment!

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1968. Poor Roger would rather be anywhere but with the guests at the Reverend’s wake, so he’s hiding out in the library watching Emma Peel with the pre-teens.  His lovelorn housekeeper, Fiona, fetches him back to his guests and Roger emerges and gives a toast.  Roger is deeply in mourning but not so deep that he doesn’t notice a gorgeous red-heided stranger lurking around the edges of his home.  Claire and Brianna introduce themselves and after a brief moment, Claire excuses herself to go snoop around his home leaving Roger and Brianna to make awkward conversation. Later, Claire and Brianna say goodby to Roger and upon finding that they’re heading back to London, he invites them to spend the night at his home.
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1746 It’s the morning of Culloden and Jamie makes one last attempt to tell Charles that his plan will not work, but Bonnie Prince Plaid Pants is such an inbred moron, he won’t listen.  Murtagh tells Jamie the British are four miles away and on the march, Claire says she has one last plan and they go inside the building to talk.
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1968 Roger takes Brianna on a historical tour of Scotland starting with Ft. William. He then attributes a Nathan Hale quote to Ethan Allen almost causing me to spit up my whisky but I forgive him cuz Roger’s a cutie-pie. Brianna looks up at the scaffold and says it gives her the chills. You have no idea Brianna, but you will.  Claire takes her snazzy rental car and visits Lallybroch which is in ruins. It’s very sad to see it looking like that and I notice a For Sale sign and wonder how much her house in Boston is worth cuz it’s gonna take a million or so 1960’s dollars to fix up the joint.
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1746  Claire takes Jamie inside and tells him about the yellow jasmine Colum took to kill himself and suggests they kill Charles the same way.  Unfortunately, Dougal is listening at the door and completely loses his shite and tells Jamie he’s betrayed his family, his Clan and Scotland and Claire is a lying slut-witch and reaches for a sword and says he’ll kill Jamie quickly for his mother’s sake.  Jamie points out that Dougal is tired, cold and hungry and I think dude might need a Snickers bar, but sadly that’s not an option. I dunno about you but it seems odd that the MacKenzie War Chief resorts to dirty fighting that includes biting Jamie.  Jamie has no choice but to kill him to save his own life.

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1960s  Claire heads to the Town Hall and finds the Deed of Sasine with her signature on it.  The monochromatically dressed, efficient clerk, whose outfit I’m going to steal when it finally cools the F down in Texas this fall, gives her a copy of the deed without charging her or checking her ID, and it makes me long for the days before HIPPA, Homeland Security and all the other crap we have to deal with nowadays where you have to provide the blood of a virgin before you’re allowed access to official papers. The clerk also does a quick genealogical search on Roger.

Roger and Bree head over to the University, and he goes to meet with some random dude leaving Bree to mosey around looking like a Ralph Lauren model. She stumbles upon pre-barbecue Gellis Duncan giving an impassioned speech in support of Prince Charles and Roger returns from his meeting  just in time to meet his seven times great granny.

Back at the manse, Roger and Bree look through the storage room for intel on her parents and are startled by a rat so Roger has no choice but to sing a ‘cheesy’ rat satire thus winning Bree’s heart.  They discover a box labeled Randall and take it downstairs to peruse in a rodent-free environment.  Meme_RogerSings
Claire visits the Clan Fraser Headstone at Culloden Field and she says her final, incredibly sad goodbye to Jamie and my heart can’t take much more of this.
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Brianna finds the dusty old newspaper article about Claire ‘coming back from the fairies’ and confronts her mother.  She seems to have brought the same ‘Jump to Conclusion Mat’ that her father Jamie carries with him from time to time, and begins shouting at her and accusing Claire of all sorts of inaccuracies. Claire, Brianna and a very awkward Roger sit down and Claire finally spills the very sad time-traveling beans. Brianna’s reaction is what you might expect, she thinks her mother’s nuts and it’s a good thing she’s gorgeous or Roger might have shoved them out the front door at this point.

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1746 We’re back at Culloden and Jamie pulls the Deed of Sasine out of his sporran (which is sort of like Mary Poppins’ carpet bag minus the floor lamp) and tells wee Fergus he must take it to Jenny at LallybrochJamie and Claire tell Fergus they love him like a son and Murtagh bows to Fergus and I wonder why the writers of this episode are determined to make me sob until I run out of tears.

1968 Claire sees the flyer with Geillis Duncan’s photo and heads over to her house but she’s not home.  Her sad, drunk husband Greg is though and he invites Claire in for a drink.  Greg says he hasn’t seen her in weeks but he still loves her. I can see why Geillis would want to poison the flatulent Arthur Duncan, but Greg’s a dreamboat so she should’ve kept him.  Greg falls asleep before Claire leaves, so she nabs Geillis’s notebooks with all her hocus pocus theories to peruse later. Meme_VaginaStone
At the bar, ‘Broger’ runs into Geillis who says she’s leaving town and she seems awfully chipper for someone who’s about to murder her husband and burn him in a ritualistic sacrifice.

1746  Jamie tells Murtagh to gather the Lallybroch men and get them the F out of there.  Jamie’s going to take Claire to ‘safety’ and he’ll be back.  Murtagh says he’ll start the men home but he won’t go to Lallybroch with them, he’ll come back to die with Jamie at Culloden.  He says it so cheerfully, it’s like he’s going to meet him for pizza instead of death, but that might just be my interpretation.

1968 Bree returns to their room at the manse and says they can agree to disagree about the time travel, but she wants to talk about Jamie. #GetInLine  Claire comes downstairs to get Geillis’s flyer and Roger tells her they’ve not only met Geillis, but she’s leaving town that night. Claire wants to go stop her from leaving so she’s not burned at the stake but she tells Roger she can’t do that because if Geillis doesn’t go back, he won’t be born.  Bree starts having another conniption, but Roger convinces her to go to the stones so they can at least warn her.
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1746 Jamie rushes Claire away from the action, forces her on a horse and back to Craigh na dun by telling her he knows she’s pregnant although I doubt he has a little calendar in his sporran although with Jamie you never know.

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Jamie and Claire arrive at the stones and Jamie says to tell Frank he’s grateful, he trusts him and he hates him.  And although they are bereft at the idea of losing one another, Jamie has a weird smile on his face which I don’t get unless he’s one of those people, like me, who smiles at really sad times, like funerals, because their emotional wires get crossed.  They have only a brief moment left for a very hurried somethin-somethin on the ground, Jamie gives her his father’s ring and half walks/half dances her to the stones and due to sisterhood/girl power I can practically hear the sobbing of my fellow Outlander fans except those in Canada, Australia and New Zealand who have to wait another day.
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1968  Claire, Brianna and Roger arrive at Craigh na dun in time to catch Geillis setting her husband on fire and running through the stones.
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Brianna and Roger hear the stones buzzing #Foreshadow and Brianna finally believes her mother.  Roger leaves to call the Police and when he returns he shows Claire proof that Jamie didn’t die at Culloden.  She’s in shock, but as the shock wears off, she says “I have to go back” and appears to run towards the stones.  Fade To Black, Roll Credits, Cue the Chambers Brothers with ‘Time Has Come Today.The End.

O. M. G. ladies and gentleman, you know the drill. We are back to Droughtlander.  It’s tragic, I know, but together we will survive this because we have each other!! PS I’ll write some witty shizzle during the Drought, and we can virtually hold hands and hum Bear McCreary’s tunes in solidarity. That and whisky.  Whisky shall get us through.

#Outlander, Epi 212 Re-cap: Why is Jamie so sexy even covered in filth? Who will marry Mary? Why is Charles In Charge? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Highlanders drag their sorry arses into the encampment outside of Inverness.  They haven’t eaten, slept or bathed much in weeks and as Claire says, ‘their worst nightmare was coming true.’  Rupert is in a foul mood and still missing Angus although he’s now hanging out with NotKincaid, his new BFF, a handsome, sweet guy with front teeth.  Jamie immediately sends Dougal out on patrol to locate the British, he sends Murtagh out to locate the Prince and I wish he had time to locate something of Claire’s, but there’s so much we still need to cover from the book, so that’s not to be.  Murtagh chimes in and updates us they’re a few miles from Culloden and the battle will be in 3 days. Jamie tries to be optimistic and prop up Claire, but she’s down in the dumps and why shouldn’t she be?  There’s a good chance in a couple of days, she’s going to have to leave the hottest guy God ever created and spend the next twenty years with boring, boring Frank, I’d be sad too. Before she gets any rest, she hightails it into town to refill her medical supplies.Meme_DoWeDoIt
At the Inverness Walgreens, Claire stumbles upon Mary Hawkins who’s now speaking with a PBS/Masterpiece Theatre accent and loading up on drugs for Alex.  She’s a wee bit cold to Claire since she learned of her plot to put the kibosh on their relationship.  Claire apologizes and offers to come help Alex.

The Generals, Jamie, various military officers in shiny uniforms and the frickin, clueless Prince are meeting to discuss strategy. Jamie’s a broken record trying to explain why their plans won’t work and even tries to appeal to the Prince’s intellect.  I long to tell him this won’t work because the Prince is a twit, but Jamie can’t hear me since apparently this is a TV show!  Clueless Charlie decides to take a stand and does it while proclaiming his manliness and Me thinks he doth protest too much.
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Claire goes to see Alex who is looking very ‘Randall-ish’ and it’s obvious even to those of us who received our MD by watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman that Alex will not recover.  Despite knowing she tried to break them up, he’s still so sweet and polite to Claire‘Johnny Randall’, arrives to check on his brother and Claire tries to hightail it and Mary stops her to say BJR has been paying all their bills. Claire tells Mary that Alex won’t be going back to work like…ever.  Mary says she’s preggo and the Randall brothers both know. Claire skedaddles outside with BJR fast on her heels, he asks her to help his brother and she quickly says alrighty, but only if he tells her the location of Cumberland’s army.  He’s indignant but Claire’s got him between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
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Claire has to tell Jamie that Randall’s in town so Jamie flips over some furniture, as one does, until he realizes the info is useful to him and their cause.  Suddenly Colum MacKenzie arrives and let’s just say he’s not going to have to worry about buying Christmas gifts this year.  He gives his condolences to Rupert for the loss of his domestic partner Angus then commands they bring Jamie and Dougal to him.  Meme_CollumsBaaack
Claire examines Colum with Jamie by her side and gives him the inevitable bad news about his health.  He asks to speak to Claire alone and admits he was wrong about Jamie and Claire’s marriage, he thinks they’re a good match.  After he’s softened her up, he then asks her to put him out of his misery like Jack Kervorkian and she says she’ll do it. He also tells her that Geillis Duncan was kept alive long enough to give birth to a son who was placed with a childless couple,  William and Sarah MacKenzie. #Foreshadow
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Claire visits puir dying Alex Randall, sets up a portable Hookah Lounge and shoots him a combo of primo Thornapple with a half cup of ground Lucky Charms cereal for good measure and suddenly he can breathe.  Alex asks evil Black Jack to marry Mary and give her the Randall name but nobody is merry about him marrying Mary, least of all Mary. Alex, bless his heart, thinks Johnny Be Goode, but since his good side is an urban myth, BJR says no.
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Sweet, darling Murtagh volunteers to marry Mary and I’d give a lot to see Murtagh’s bushy eyebrows wiggling over Modern Bride Magazine while choosing china patterns and wedding venues, but alas it’s not to be.  Claire goes to see sicko BJR who’s getting plastered in a local bar.  Man’s a complete A-hole, but he’s not lacking in intelligence and he speaks like a poet, damn his soul.  BJR returns to the Inn and he and Mary complete their unholy union under the watchful eye of dying Alex and it’s so sad!

Colum meets with Jamie and Dougal and says he wants Jamie to be his son Hamish’s guardian and lead the clan until his son’s of age.  Jamie meets with the Generals and suggests a surprise attack during Butcher Billy’s Birthday Bash and clueless Chuck thinks it’s ungentlemanly but he’s finally convinced that’s it’s, you know, A WAR and soldiers need to conduct surprise attacks to win. Sadly, Chuck wants to lead a column with the moronic General and we all know that can’t possibly end well.
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Dougal comes to Colum’s room and at first I think they’ll reminisce about the bygone days when they watched cartoons from their bunk beds in Castle Leoch, but instead, Dougal delivers a Shakespearean level speech about his relationship with his brother. I’m familiar with family dysfunction, but these guys take it to a whole new level.  Dougal blathers on and on blaming Colum for all his problems and since Colum knows he can’t shut him up, he swallows Claire’s poison, killing himself rather than having to listening to his brother’s rambling accusations.

Meanwhile Alex dies right after the World’s Saddest Wedding, and Jack Randall, loon that he is, punches the hell out of his brother’s corpse. Why? I don’t know.  When Jamie hears that Claire encouraged the marriage he has a mild conniption, until she reminds him she encouraged Mary to become his widow not his wife.  Claire says if BJR doesn’t die at Culloden, she will help Jamie kill him and his eyes light up.

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Jamie and Lord Murray lead their column of men through the dark where they’re to attack the English, but Charles and General Doofus O’Sullivan never show up because they lost the signal on their GPS and also they’re morons.  Jamie wants to attack, but the Lord Murray insists they turn back. The exhausted, starving soldiers are then forced to march 12 miles back to their Camp.  Tomorrow, they’ll have to fight at Culloden in a weakened state and unless you were sleeping in history class, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a Spoiler Alert to tell you what happens next.

So, two weeks until the season finale and sadly for me, I’ll be at a family reunion in the middle of Nowheresville Texas without cable or Wifi signal.  Why is God punishing me?!?

#Outlander, Epi 211 Re-cap: The Duke loses his head, Rupert loses an eye and Claire is Gaidheliterate!

We find via Claire’s posh voice-over, that the Highlanders are camped in Northern England, no other soldiers have joined up #Chickens and they’re awaiting orders from Prince Charles.  Because Claire can’t sit still for five minutes without pestering somebody, she’s pulling teeth from the mouths of innocent citizens as Rupert looks on cringing.

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The fancifully dressed military poobas are urging the clueless Prince to turn back, but he won’t listen because he thinks the voice in his head is God rather than just his inbred ravings.  Jamie is the only one who backs him up and Charlie storms out of their meeting.  Jamie gives Claire the bad news, they won’t take London and change history because the Officers refused.  Jamie tells his men, they’re heading back to Lallybroch for winter.

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That night Claire is sleeping and Jamie is whispering Gaidhlig sweet nothings in her ear and my Grinch heart grows two sizes more.  She wakes and asks what he said, he tells her he can say things to her while she sleeps that he can’t say when she’s awake. Oh my…

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Next morning, Dougal bursts into their room and gives Jamie a note from the Prince telling him to take his men to Inverness and resupply for winter. #Foreshadow  The officers banished Jamie cuz they want him out of the Prince’s posse due to his influence.  The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae, is the Prince also took Jamie’s horse. Meme_ScotFlag
The Highlanders have made camp by a river,  when suddenly they’re under attack by the English.  The MacKenzie-Frasers mount up and gallop off leading the English away from the Highlanders who’re on foot.  Suddenly the English come up behind them and shoot Rupert in the eye and Dougal does a fancy ‘Three Musketeers’ move and jumps to Rupert’s horse saving him.  Jamie yells ‘Bradshaw’ or similar which is Gaidhlig for ‘turn off the road and quietly hide from the English cuz they can’t track us!’ and I need to remember that phrase.

They take refuge in a church and Claire shoves Rupert down on the alter and digs the bullet out of his eye with a knife and I consider keeping a bucket nearby cuz if she’s gonna keep pulling this random shizzle, I’m gonna need a place to puke.  Claire gives Rupert an eye patch and says they’ll get him a peg leg and a parrot to complete his pirate costume, and I’m SO happy that Diana G wrote this episode and added her humorous comments that I bellow Tulach Ard Y’all, do a couple of fist pumps and startle my little dog.

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It’s night time and the church is surrounded by the English, Jamie wants to surrender because of the price on his head, but Claire yells ‘Help’ and pretends to be a captive.  The redcoats fall for it and take Claire and let the rest go free and I’m so glad they didn’t have social media back then because there’s only so many times you can pull that one and get away with it. Due to Claire’s glass face, wee Fergus tells her to faint, that way she won’t have to explain her guilty expression. Meme_BabesMouths
The English arrive in a small town and Claire is spotted by Hugh Munro outside a tavern where they’re to spend the night.  Next morning Claire wakes up and is told she’s being taken to Belmont House to stay with a rich Englishman.  As they leave, she sees Munro and manages to not so subtly relay a message to him. Meme_HughKidding
Turns out the Englishman is the Duke of Sandringham who pretends not to recognize Claire so the English leave her there. They settle in to dinner and the Duke says he’s suffering as he has to make do with only a butler, valet and a 3-day a week cook.  He was once in the Tower of London for being a suspected Jacobite and the house is being watched. Meanwhile, Murtagh and Jamie steal two horses and are galloping in the direction they think they’ll find Claire.  The Duke didn’t reveal Claire’s identity because he too wants to be rescued by Jamie. #GetInLine  It seems the Duke ‘knows a guy.’ Dis guy can get a note past da soldiers if she’s gives her word that he’ll be rescued too.  Meme_AvoidTower
She writes a note in Gaidhlig and Sandy says he’ll have it delivered to Hugh Munro who’ll take it to Jamie.  Just then wee Mary Hawkins comes in.  Seems the Duke is her godfather and she’s staying in the house. He’s found another wealthy, older man to marry her off to and she’s trying to find a way out of it. Claire clutches Mary to her pert bosom which puts the CBCC or Claire Bosom Clutching Count at approximately 30 so far this season.

 

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The Duke sends his guy, galloping off into the night in a sort of Paul Revere/UPS style scenario and he finds Munro and delivers the note.  Claire spots the Duke’s valet’s birthmark and realizes he’s the asshat who raped MaryLe Comte wanted to have Claire killed but Sandy bargained it down to a rape and then Mary got caught in the crossfire.  Oh and by the way, the redcoats are hiding in the woods waiting to capture Jamie, so there’s that to worry about. Munro meets up with Jamie & Murtagh and delivers the note.

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Claire’s locked in her room and Mary opens the door, they’re going to escape together but Mary doesn’t want to sneak down and warn Hugh Munro that Jamie’s walking into a trap because she’s gone all Kardashian for a moment and won’t lower herself to talk to a hoboClaire opens the door hidden behind a giant portrait and my 8 year old self flips out because it’s Batgirl and her Secret Room all over again!  Claire makes it to the kitchen but the damn Duke is down there carb loading.  Mary interrupts them and is ordered back to bed.  Instead, she grows a pair, opens the door and tells Hugh it’s a trap. The damn valet catches her, shuts the door and brings her back to the kitchen.  Meme_GoToBed
Jamie suddenly bursts in, the Duke slams his wig on his head (he must be hawt for Jamie too), the valet jams a knife to Claire’s throat and Jamie drops his knife. Murtagh comes in, Jamie disarms the valet, Claire shouts the valet is the bad guy from Paris, the Duke wants to make nice, the valet gives up the Duke as the one who made him attack Claire and Mary, Jamie punches the valet who lands on the floor.  Mary must have grown a GIANT pair, cuz she picks up the knife and stabs the valet to death.  As if that’s not bad enough, Murtagh goes all Lizzie Borden and chops off the Duke’s head and gives it to Mary. Roll credits, The End!
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Man oh man, they sure packed a lot into this week’s episode and not for nuthin, unless you were vacationing on the moon, you know, Herself, Diana Gabaldon wrote this episode.  I totally LOVED all the humorous little one liners or bon mots, as the Comte would say, that she threw in. Adventure, hilarity, terror and all the good stuff rolled up into one Gabaldonian enchilada.  I know she’s a busy woman, but I hope she can write another episode next year, cuz she is SO good!  See you next week and till then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

#Outlander Re-cap: Red Jamie, Part-Time Hoors, Daddy Issues and Saying Goodbye to some Friends

Jamie is meeting with the generals, some high falutin military officers and Bonnie Prince Fancy Pants who, much to everyone’s dismay, is demonstrating all the leadership skills of Colonel Sanders and Captain CrunchJamie is the voice of reason stating that there’s a field of deep muck they must cross otherwise they’re on a suicide mission.  Charles is so incompetent he wants to try to negotiate a surrender from the British.  I’m pretty sure any minute now, he’ll order them all to join hands and sing ‘We Are The World’. Meme_CharlesPran
Post meeting Charlie says Jamie should tell Claire to take care of the enemy British soldiers FIRST, then the Scottish who are laying down their lives for him.  Jamie points out the ridiculousness of that plan and says his wife wouldn’t do it.  Charles says she would if her ‘lord and master’ told her to proving he knows even less about women than warfare.  He casually puts out his hand to be kissed and I’m gonna start doing that after every transaction including ones at Target and with the kid who mows my lawn.  I’ll let you know how that works out.  Meme_JamieJokingCharles
Rupert, Angus, Murtagh and the rest of the men are getting edgy waiting for the battle to start, and accidentally wake up Papa Bear/Dougal.  Jamie appears and convinces Dougal to cross the swampy marshland to measure the muck and find out if the men can make it across.  Dougal decides to do it cuz he wants to impress Charles so he can sit at his lunch table.  He rides across the open land and the redcoats use him for target practice, a bullet goes through his snazzy golf cap and grazes his little bald heid.  He gallops back and is embraced by Charles thereby assuring his place among the popular kids.Meme_Prestonpans
Nurse Claire gives a pep talk to the ladies who’ll be running the Triage Unit as Fergus runs around knocking stuff over and generally being an adorable nuisance. Speaking of the wee lad, he brings in a young man whose father owns the land they’re on and he knows a shortcut around the swamp. If the Highlanders take that path, they can surprise the British.  The General’s not sure if they should trust him, but Jamie uses his Spidey Senses and gives him two thumbs up.

The Highlanders have gathered round the campfires and they’re spit swearing and promising to take care of each others’ families and/or give their belongings to their friends if they should die in battle.  Angus tells Rupert he can have his sword, dirk, sporran, and Scarlet his part-time hoor.  Rupert calls him a daft bastard and points out you can’t give away a woman, which is a relief to hear cuz you never know back then.  Jamie comes upon Murtagh who’s obsessively sharpening his blade.  Murtagh is philosophizing about whether their part in the battle will have meaning and he thinks it won’t.  Jamie is down on himself for failing to stop the battle and Murtagh says they both failed.  Murtagh keeps sharpening his sword and spits on it.  I didn’t realize until now how integral spitting is to battle but then I’ve never been in the military.  Meme_Warfare
Jamie goes to the Field Hospital and tells Claire to get some sleep which is wishful thinking.  Fergus interrupts smoochie time and again pleads his case to be able to go into battle.  Jamie explains he must stay behind to take care of the women.  Murtagh, Rupert and Angus come in to say goodbye and Angus guilts Claire into giving him a sympathy kiss. Murtagh tells her he will watch over Jamie and they will win the day.  Jamie gives Claire the sweetest kiss goodbye, bows to her and leaves.
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As the men are lead through the swamp path, we discover Fergus has disobeyed and followed the men into battle.  They’ve arrived at their destination and Prince Charles  argues, rather too loudly for my comfort, that he wants to go into battle with them. What the hell’s he gonna do, hit them with the flowers on his hat cuz I think his sword is for ‘decorative purposes only’ and not ‘microwave safe’ either now that I think about it. Jamie points out that Charles’ father would be disappointed if he died but Charles counters that they’re not close and his dad might not love him.  This might not be the right time for this discussion, Chuck.Meme_DaddyIssues
Back in the tent, the women are getting ready and can hear the battle has begun.  On the field there’s blood, guts and gore.  British patients are brought into the Field Hospital (that part is SUPER strange to me cuz five minutes earlier they’re killing each other, but whatever) Angus carries in his BFF Rupert who has a giant slice in his side and my heart starts breaking cuz I’ve read the book. During all their Wayne’s World style shenanigans, they’ve formed a strong bond and really do love each other. Jamie comes into the hospital all riled up and kisses Claire. Fergus shows up in shock and tells Claire he killed an English soldier.  Dougal is still at the battlefield, shoving his sword into bodies assuring himself they’re dead.   He encounters Lt. Jeremy Foster, the handsome, moral and all around stand-up British solder who explains that the British are the superior army and will never be defeated so, naturally Dougal murders him.  Meme_DougalSux
At the hospital Claire sees a horse shoe print on the back of Jamie’s shirt and makes him pee in a jar so she can check for blood. Jamie’s literally having a pissing contest with an English soldier when he’s interrupted by the clueless Prince who brings him ‘the blessings of my father’.  How? Does he have a cell phone?  He is a politician though and gives a rousing speech as he tries to unite the English and Scots when Dougal storms in and begins Angloshaming the British soldiers.  This annoys the Prince so much he bans him from the army, but Jamie comes up with a plan to keep him on the muster roles by promoting him to Captain of Highlander Dragoons.  That way he can use his abilities and get rid of him.  Dougal says Jamie’s plan is worthy of his brother Colum which is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one.

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Angus appears to be sleeping, sitting up but instead he’s been bleeding internally and dies a horrible death surrounded by his friends.  Rupert heaves himself up from his hospital bed and wobbles to Angus’s side, takes his sword, wobbles back to his bed and cradles it in his arms. All this time, we thought Rupert would be the one to die and I’m totally shocked. I don’t want either of them to go as I love their friendship and hilarious shenanigans.

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Later that night, the men are drunk and celebrating their victory when Rupert and Ross (who lost his best friend, Kincaid) stagger drunkenly out of the tent singing the very depressing ‘Down Among The Dead Men.’  

Next week isn’t gonna be a fancy garden party either and although I look forward to each and every episode, I don’t want what’s going to happen to actually happen.

#Outlander Epi 209 Re-cap: Heroic Jamie, Wimpy Soldiers, PTSD Claire & Cotterrrrr pins!

Jamie and Claire meet up with Murtagh and wee Fergus at the encampment.  Good ‘ol boys Rupert and Angus arrive and are greeted with hugs and kisses from Claire, then share the tragic news that Willie is no longer with us and by that they mean he’s married an Irish girl and moved to America. I, for one, am hopeful we might meet him again.  #Foreshadow  Dougal’s also arrived but hasn’t brought any men cuz Colum is the boss of him and said no.

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Dougal, always the politician, wants to hit the road and meet up with the Prince so he can begin his Arse Kissing Offensive.  But Jamie points out the obvious, these Scottish Gomer Pyles need LOTS of Basic Training before they can show their faces in public.  Claire watches Murtagh attempt to train the men to march while Jamie and Dougal teach them hand-to-hand combat.  Over-eager Dougal pleads to push on and join Charles and Claire becomes quieter as she deals with PTSD flashbacks from her WWII experiences.  During the war, Claire met two young American soldiers, one of them is  Corporal ‘Jesus H Roosevelt Christ.’  Jamie tries to discover what’s bothering Claire, but  like most wives, she blows him off and says everything is fine.

The young Highlanders are not taking their training seriously so Jamie gives them a Churchillian-worthy speech which inspires them.  I feel it too and jump from my plaid La-Z-Boy and attempt to enroll on-line in the Scottish army.  Jamie’s speech is suddenly interrupted when ADHD pre-schooler Dougal and a few men charge in and quash his efforts.  I wonder what the Casting Call looked like for this scene because I’m pretty sure I could beat the daylights out of most of these dudes.

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Jamie suppresses his anger and explains to overgrown toddler Dougal MacKenzie that these are his men, his Clan and he’s the boss.  Dougal ‘pretend agrees’ then goes straight to Claire who’s either cooking a bizarre dinner or making medicine, either way I’m not eating it, and tries to manipulate her into manipulating JamieClaire’s not having it, however, and rips him a new one using all the psychological theories available in the 1940’s along with a dollop of Greek mythology.

Basic Training continues as the Highlanders work to turn the accountants and blacksmiths into fighters while Claire continues to experience PTSD.  She examines Angus’s filthy feet and tries to explain trench foot to him, but he won’t listen.  Other people’s feet gross me out and I think Caitriona Balfe should’ve gotten hazard pay for that scene but that’s just me. Claire flashes to WWII when she gave the same speech to soldiers and they didn’t listen either.

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Dougal waltzes into Jamie’s field office with a few wimpy guys he’s strong-armed into joining up.  Jamie asks how they made it into camp without being stopped and orders that the guards be brought to him.  Jamie then tells the men if they don’t want to be there, they can leave and they all scram.  Dougal or ‘Douglas’ as my auto-correct refers to him, is so petulant and impatient I long to slap him sideways but I can’t reach him through my TV.

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Next day everyone gathers in the courtyard as Murtagh whips the pasty, white back of the poor, clueless guard who let them enter the camp.  Afterwards, Jamie practices shooting with the men and with every shot Claire jumps out of her skin until she finally collapses behind a wagon and we see the source of her PTSD.  During WWII, she was the lone survivor of a horrible jeep explosion where three young soldiers were killed including the sweet Corporal JHRC.  She couldn’t help them because the Germans were close by, instead she had to lay helplessly and listen to their dying screams.  When Jamie finds her, she finally tells him what happened.  He wants to send her back to Lallybroch so she doesn’t have to go through war again but, Claire is the bravest woman in literature, so she says no.  She won’t be helpless and alone, she’ll stay with the people she loves and also Jamie = Hotness, so she won’t leave and none of us would either, let’s just admit it.

Meme_PTSDsuxLater that evening, Jamie’s taking a well deserved pee when he’s attacked by a young English boy who then lands in his pee puddle which is disgusting.  The boy says he recognized our hero as ‘Red Jamie’.  He won’t give up any intel even when Jamie threatens him with a hot knife.  Quick-thinking Claire emerges from the shadows, pretends she’s a captive and says she’ll no longer resist Jamie’s advances if the boy is set free.  Jamie pretends to ravish her while Murtagh’s all Smirky McSmirksalot. (The following meme is for the book readers!)

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The boy, William Grey, spills his guts and tells Jamie everything except the General’s shoe size.  As thanks, Jamie tells his men to take the boy to the camp, if the info is correct, tie him to a tree. If he lied, kill him.  Jamie says, ‘I give you your life. I hope you use it well.’  Grey says ‘I owe you my life and I regard it as a debt of honor.’  THIS IS IMPORTANT STUFF FOLKS, commit it to memory!

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Jamie gathers the men to find out how Grey got through the lines.  Dougal’s men were the culprits and it looks like Dougal’s gonna finally be at the bidness end of Murtagh’s belt. Instead, Jamie strips off his shirt and asks for 18 lashes for his uncovered fire.  I get that he’s all noble and everything, but hasn’t his back been through enough?  Also, this meme is un-necessary, but I can’t seem to help myself.

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Jamie and some of his men head into the British camp, and he orders Dougal to stay behind and guard the camp.  Jamie and his men steal the cotterrrrr pins out of the cannon and take the wheels and burn them in a bonfire minus marshmallows.  He gets home in the morning, looking like a reject from a Beetlejuice retrospective, wakes up Claire and tells her about the Cotterrrr pin Caper  He also says their success was due to her selflessness and getting info out of ‘William’ Grey.

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The troops travel to the gathering area and since Jamie doesn’t give a fig about politics, he graciously lets Dougal strut ahead on his horse and announce their arrival to Prince Charles.  Next week it’s Prestonpans folks and Je Suis not the least bit pret.  Not one bit.  Until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

PTSD and Me and Why I Continue to Admire the Acting Skills of Caitriona Balfe

A word about PTSD.  I’ve had it and still do.  Twenty years ago an F3 tornado bore down on our home which is set on a small rise and backs up to open flat Texas parkland.  It’s normally a wonderful place to live, however, when you can see a tornado approaching for three-full hours and you have 3 small children in the house (2 of my own and one borrowed) and no cellar, it’s a nightmare.  So, for THREE hours, as the children played near me in the kitchen and the electricity went out (no cell phones), I stood near the back door and watched the funnel cloud rise and fall and rise and fall.  It rarely veered off course, just headed towards us.  Later, I described it to my husband as someone pointing a rifle at my children, then laughing and pointing it away.   After the tornado killed 30 people in a nearby town and demolished countless buildings and cars along the way, it headed straight for us taking out 25 homes in our old neighborhood less than 2 miles away.  By then the kids were wearing their bike helmets and in the kitchen closet, my son feeding Cheerios one-by-one to his 2 year old sister, to entice her to stay in there and we were all praying.  When the house began to shake and I saw large ‘things’ shooting out of the funnel (doors, sides of houses, etc.), it descended one last time and hit an over-filled retention pond near our house, shot up into the sky, went over our house and landed in an empty field a half a mile away.  The electricity finally came back on and the TV stations were reporting the death toll numbers but no names were released as they hadn’t notified families yet. My husband finally made it home around 8:00pm and it was then that I knew he was alive.

I did therapy but bio-feedback saved me.  Still, during rainy season, or when I see an odd-shaped cloud or there’s a tornado watch, I begin to shake and fall apart inside. Even though twenty years have passed, it never really leaves me. So kudos to Caitriona Balfe for once again, accurately portraying a traumatic experience to perfection.

#Outlander, Re-cap, Epi 208, Jenny’s Still a Pain, Simon Says Stupid Stuff and Jamie is the Jamiest Ever!

Scotland looks so gorgeous in the opening scene, I can hear the National Tourism Board members weeping with joy all the way from Texas.  Jamie, Claire, Murtagh and Fergus have returned to Scotland and are nestled in the bosom of Lallybroch with Jenny, Ian, Mrs. Crrrrook and the rest of the Fraser-Murrays.  Jamie and Claire hope they’ve done enough to stop the war, although between you and me, they shouldn’t hold their breath.  Claire, the psychic potato planter, is back just in time for the harvest and the family has gathered oohing and aahing over the crop while Jamie and Claire make-out on the dining room table probably causing more than one young family member to barf in their mouth.

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The mail arrives and there’s a letter from Aunt Jocasta ….foreshadow, Louise de Rohan and Cousin Jared with this episode’s buzzkill news that crazy Prince Charlie forged Jamie’s signature on a document that states he’s a Jacobite supporter.  In one stroke, they morph from happy farmers to traitors to the Crown.  Claire suggests places where they can run to hide and Jamie whose feet are planted as firmly as the potato crop, points out all the flaws in her plan.  Jamie is the Jamiest I can remember seeing him; it’s as though he’s popped straight out of a Gabaldon Toaster into my TV set.

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Their plan?  Jamie and Claire will go see Jamie’s grandsire, Lord Lovat, to try to convince him to send his men to fight.  Murtagh will bring the Fraser men and meet up at Kinguisse in two weeks.  That little ray of sunshine, Jenny, mocks her bro saying it’s a dopy plan.  If I had to live anywhere near that know-it-all, I’d be stockpiling Tums, as she gives me permanent indigestion.  Later that evening, Jamie tells Claire his father is illegitimate and the child of an assignation between Lord Lovat and his kitchen maid.  He’s embarrassed and Claire’s all ‘Dude, that’s so 1740s and who gives a shizzle?’  Jamie shows his wife some Lallybroch Lovin and a large amount of the fandom goes looney with lust.

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Claire wakes to discover unlike most men, Jamie doesn’t sleep like the dead after le bonkadebonk instead he’s on the couch holding one of Jenny’s 12 babies.  I swear if I owned a working uterus, I might spontaneously impregnate watching Jamie Fraser, with his cute toes sticking out of his plaid, jabbering to a baby.  Jenny, who REALLY needs sensitivity training, goes on about her baby even though Claire lost hers a few months ago.  I might borrow a frying pan from Mrs. Crrrrook and smack her over the head with it.

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Jamie and Claire are leaving and Jenny gives Jamie her wooden rosary #foreshadow  Adorable Fergus shows up on a little donkey thing and says he wants to go with them.  Everyone says no except Jamie who says Mini-me is coming with them.

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They arrive at Beaufort Castle and discover Column Mackenzie is there too. Colum denies he had anything to do with Claire’s witch trial and says Laoghaire did it and he had her beaten as punishment cuz that’s an acceptable thingLord Lovat enters the room setting a land-speed record by insulting Jamie’s mother, father and wife within 30 seconds.  Claire strolls around the castle when suddenly who should appear but Half Pint from Little House on the Prairie, no wait that’s Laoghaire Mackenzie who drops to both knees to apologize and beg for forgiveness.  Claire declines to forgive her, and instead rips her a new one.

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Claire tells Jamie about meeting with Laoghaire and that she feels better but Jamie’s not having it.  He says Claire can come to dinner since she’s a hot, trophy wife but she’s not allowed to talk which earns him several eye rolls.  At dinner, Jamie gives an impassioned speech to rally the crowd but Colum’s drippy sarcasm makes it clear he’s not going along with him.  Young Simon chimes in with his support but his father publicly ridicules him.

Next day Claire meets Lovat’s ‘seer’ Maisri when he throws her out of his office onto the hall floor. I’m considering using this technique with people I disagree with.  Jamie meets privately with Lovat who says he’ll lend his support if Jamie gives him Lallybroch. When Jamie says no, he gives him Plan B which is ‘he’ll lend his support if his men can violate Claire.’ Jamie brings out the La Dame Blanche-White Lady story again to protect her but I wish he had something different in his arsenal.  Jamie’s actually considering giving Lallybroch to his grandfather and I gotta call BS on that one.  No way in hell book Jamie would do that.  Claire hatches another plan and suggests using Leghair’s flattery to boost Young Simon’s confidence so he’ll stand up to his father. Claire approaches Half Pint while she’s snorting Jamie’s shirt like some demented wackjob and presents the plan.

Side note:  I think it’s safe to say, I’m the only Outlander recapper who in real life has actually washed Sam Heughan’s shirt.  Two years ago, I auctioned some of his stuff for charity on eBay.  I did not, however, stand in my rainy back yard in an unholy embrace with his shirt, I just washed it in my Maytag.  You can read about it here:  https://melissasobservations.com/2015/04/25/sam-heughans-emulsion-wardrobe-items-are-up-for-auction-on-ebay/

Jamie tells Colum he knows the outcome of the Rising and Colum calls him a mad man then tries to convince him to join his side.  Jamie says ‘no dice’ and Colum looks old and tired.  Claire puts her twisted plan in motion and drags Young Simon and his bad hair on a walk where they conveniently come upon Leery looking like an adorable fairytale maiden.  Leery gives it the old college try including a peek down her dress, but Lord Lovat’s heir is truly clueless in the ways of women.  In a chapel, Claire encounters Maisri who tells Claire she’s foreseen events and been able to change the outcome of history which encourages Claire.

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Claire and Jamie meet in the darkened stable while he’s rubbing down his horse and by that I mean, he’s rubbing down his horse.  #SoundsDirty  The Old Fox is trying to strong-arm everyone into signing a Neutrality Agreement and he wants Jamie to sign over the deed to Lallybroch.  Suddenly Mistress Fraser turns into bad TV Psychic, Miss Cleo, and begins raving about visions of Lord Lovat’s execution.  Old Simon tries to kill her, but is stopped by his son who grew a pair after taking a gander down Leery’s top at what I can only assume are magical bosoms Lord Lovat announces he and Colum will remain neutral in the war.

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Next morning Jamie, Claire and Young Simon are off to join the troops at the same time Leery and Colum are hitting the road.  Claire asks Jamie to go say thank you to Leery for her help.  He reluctantly does so even throwing in a jaunty little bow.  (It reminded me of the time I made my son apologize for calling a boy at school a ‘Fartknocker’  and he did it by saying “I’m sorry I called you a ‘Fartknocker’ even though you are a ‘Fartknocker.’)

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As the Frasers and Young Simon gallop away, Lord Lovat and a large group of his men ride down the hill and he announces he’s sending his men to help his son fight, but since he’s also signed the Neutrality Agreement he’s covering his ass from both sides.  A wonderfully devious plan which I’m happy to say History tells us doesn’t work.

Jamie and Claire are so young and strong and hopeful, riding out to do what’s right and trying to save their Country and family.  I have to say Je Suis Not Prest for what’s to come because then Season Two will end and I know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to see it. Sometimes I wish I was a newbie and had it all to look forward to, sadly I’m not.  Until next week, Tulach Ard Y’all!