The Highlanders drag their sorry arses into the encampment outside of Inverness. They haven’t eaten, slept or bathed much in weeks and as Claire says, ‘their worst nightmare was coming true.’ Rupert is in a foul mood and still missing Angus although he’s now hanging out with NotKincaid, his new BFF, a handsome, sweet guy with front teeth. Jamie immediately sends Dougal out on patrol to locate the British, he sends Murtagh out to locate the Prince and I wish he had time to locate something of Claire’s, but there’s so much we still need to cover from the book, so that’s not to be. Murtagh chimes in and updates us they’re a few miles from Culloden and the battle will be in 3 days. Jamie tries to be optimistic and prop up Claire, but she’s down in the dumps and why shouldn’t she be? There’s a good chance in a couple of days, she’s going to have to leave the hottest guy God ever created and spend the next twenty years with boring, boring Frank, I’d be sad too. Before she gets any rest, she hightails it into town to refill her medical supplies.
At the Inverness Walgreens, Claire stumbles upon Mary Hawkins who’s now speaking with a PBS/Masterpiece Theatre accent and loading up on drugs for Alex. She’s a wee bit cold to Claire since she learned of her plot to put the kibosh on their relationship. Claire apologizes and offers to come help Alex.
The Generals, Jamie, various military officers in shiny uniforms and the frickin, clueless Prince are meeting to discuss strategy. Jamie’s a broken record trying to explain why their plans won’t work and even tries to appeal to the Prince’s intellect. I long to tell him this won’t work because the Prince is a twit, but Jamie can’t hear me since apparently this is a TV show! Clueless Charlie decides to take a stand and does it while proclaiming his manliness and Me thinks he doth protest too much.
Claire goes to see Alex who is looking very ‘Randall-ish’ and it’s obvious even to those of us who received our MD by watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman that Alex will not recover. Despite knowing she tried to break them up, he’s still so sweet and polite to Claire. ‘Johnny Randall’, arrives to check on his brother and Claire tries to hightail it and Mary stops her to say BJR has been paying all their bills. Claire tells Mary that Alex won’t be going back to work like…ever. Mary says she’s preggo and the Randall brothers both know. Claire skedaddles outside with BJR fast on her heels, he asks her to help his brother and she quickly says alrighty, but only if he tells her the location of Cumberland’s army. He’s indignant but Claire’s got him between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
Claire has to tell Jamie that Randall’s in town so Jamie flips over some furniture, as one does, until he realizes the info is useful to him and their cause. Suddenly Colum MacKenzie arrives and let’s just say he’s not going to have to worry about buying Christmas gifts this year. He gives his condolences to Rupert for the loss of his domestic partner Angus then commands they bring Jamie and Dougal to him.
Claire examines Colum with Jamie by her side and gives him the inevitable bad news about his health. He asks to speak to Claire alone and admits he was wrong about Jamie and Claire’s marriage, he thinks they’re a good match. After he’s softened her up, he then asks her to put him out of his misery like Jack Kervorkian and she says she’ll do it. He also tells her that Geillis Duncan was kept alive long enough to give birth to a son who was placed with a childless couple, William and Sarah MacKenzie. #Foreshadow
Claire visits puir dying Alex Randall, sets up a portable Hookah Lounge and shoots him a combo of primo Thornapple with a half cup of ground Lucky Charms cereal for good measure and suddenly he can breathe. Alex asks evil Black Jack to marry Mary and give her the Randall name but nobody is merry about him marrying Mary, least of all Mary. Alex, bless his heart, thinks Johnny Be Goode, but since his good side is an urban myth, BJR says no.
Sweet, darling Murtagh volunteers to marry Mary and I’d give a lot to see Murtagh’s bushy eyebrows wiggling over Modern Bride Magazine while choosing china patterns and wedding venues, but alas it’s not to be. Claire goes to see sicko BJR who’s getting plastered in a local bar. Man’s a complete A-hole, but he’s not lacking in intelligence and he speaks like a poet, damn his soul. BJR returns to the Inn and he and Mary complete their unholy union under the watchful eye of dying Alex and it’s so sad!
Colum meets with Jamie and Dougal and says he wants Jamie to be his son Hamish’s guardian and lead the clan until his son’s of age. Jamie meets with the Generals and suggests a surprise attack during Butcher Billy’s Birthday Bash and clueless Chuck thinks it’s ungentlemanly but he’s finally convinced that’s it’s, you know, A WAR and soldiers need to conduct surprise attacks to win. Sadly, Chuck wants to lead a column with the moronic General and we all know that can’t possibly end well.
Dougal comes to Colum’s room and at first I think they’ll reminisce about the bygone days when they watched cartoons from their bunk beds in Castle Leoch, but instead, Dougal delivers a Shakespearean level speech about his relationship with his brother. I’m familiar with family dysfunction, but these guys take it to a whole new level. Dougal blathers on and on blaming Colum for all his problems and since Colum knows he can’t shut him up, he swallows Claire’s poison, killing himself rather than having to listening to his brother’s rambling accusations.
Meanwhile Alex dies right after the World’s Saddest Wedding, and Jack Randall, loon that he is, punches the hell out of his brother’s corpse. Why? I don’t know. When Jamie hears that Claire encouraged the marriage he has a mild conniption, until she reminds him she encouraged Mary to become his widow not his wife. Claire says if BJR doesn’t die at Culloden, she will help Jamie kill him and his eyes light up.
Jamie and Lord Murray lead their column of men through the dark where they’re to attack the English, but Charles and General Doofus O’Sullivan never show up because they lost the signal on their GPS and also they’re morons. Jamie wants to attack, but the Lord Murray insists they turn back. The exhausted, starving soldiers are then forced to march 12 miles back to their Camp. Tomorrow, they’ll have to fight at Culloden in a weakened state and unless you were sleeping in history class, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a Spoiler Alert to tell you what happens next.
So, two weeks until the season finale and sadly for me, I’ll be at a family reunion in the middle of Nowheresville Texas without cable or Wifi signal. Why is God punishing me?!?
Spoiler Free Ravings about ‘Faith‘:
Having just watched ‘Faith’, I’m very emotional and not inclined to write my normal jovial fare. The brilliance of the writing, acting and directing is far above and beyond what we normally see on any television program.
My mind keeps wandering to a woman I feel is one of the greatest actresses of our time, Caitriona Balfe. I’ve read many of her interviews and watched more than a few and I keep returning to one of her most recent where she said she was almost ready to give up her dream of acting. She wasn’t sure if she’d be able to keep making the rent and following her dream.
I’m a person who strongly believes the Arts are as important as everything else in our lives. The Performing and Visual Arts are a reflection of our Society as a whole and all that happens within it. Through the Arts, we reflect on where we’ve been, where we’re going and who we want to be. They keep us honest. To experience these individual miracles, we must have great artists and it’s vital that we support them so they can bring their performances to us. I feel Society needs to do a better job at that.
Having said that, I can no longer imagine a world where Caitriona Balfe is not on a television or movie screen on a regular basis and I don’t believe I’ll ever have to. My admiration for her skill has been building since the first episode of Outlander, but after tonight’s performance, I’m sure every Director in the world will be lining up to bring her to the screen. And thank God for Ron Moore and the casting gurus of Outlander for recognizing her brilliance.
I admit I’m prone to exaggeration, hyperbole and excessive enthusiasm, but I truly believe it’s time to back up the trucks, gather the Awards and deliver them to her doorstep. And while we’re at it, let’s grab a few for Sam Heughan too. Although, he wasn’t featured prominently in this episode, the man delivered the goods.
So glad to have gotten that off my shapely chest and I’ll now return to my wacky and wondrous re-caps and memes. I betcha didn’t think there were any deep thoughts in here, right? Well, you were wrong!
PS I’m so excited, I’m not even going to proof read or spell check. How do you like them apples…and oranges?
Jamie, Murtagh and Mary’s Uncle, Fiancee and assorted French twits had an epic food fight and trashed Uncle Jared’s Paris apartment like an 80’s rock band at the Hyatt then they all took off. Claire and Fergus stayed up all night long on a fancy couch waiting for Jamie to return which he finally does after Duverney bailed him out of the Bastille. Murtagh is downstairs washing off the stench of the Prison and you have to wonder how bad it was if the first thing on Murtagh’s mind is a bath. Jamie carries sleeping Fergus up to bed and I note this is the 3rd time he’s carried someone Disney Prince Style in two days. Poor Alex Randall is still locked up as the justice system in 1740’s Paris seems all kinds of eff’ed up.
Murtagh is moping at the Wine Warehouse because he thinks he let Jamie down when Claire and Mary were attacked. One of Madame Elise’s hoes told him there’s a nasty group of aristocrats called Les Disciples who roam the streets attacking and raping women cuz they’re rich, bored and reality shows haven’t been invented yet.
Claire goes to see Mary who’s recovering from the attack and has written a letter to get Alex off the hook for the crime he didn’t commit. Mary says she feels ashamed about the rape which goes to show we haven’t come very far in 400 years. In fact the only good to come from this is that she no longer has to marry Lord Wartyface and she might actually have a chance at a real life. Mary gives Claire the letter to deliver to the Bastille and Claire considers throwing it out, but she doesn’t.
Prince Charles goes to see Jamie at the Wine Warehouse (he sure gets around…where’s his bodyguards?) and shares his plan to earn 10,000 pounds Sterling in a flaky business deal he’s cooked up with the Comte St. Germain that involves a shipment of Madeira. The Prince wants Jamie to work with St. Germain and tells him not to bother him with boring business details and talk to the hand.
Claire meets with the very attractive and sexy voiced Alex Randall to tell him there’s something about Mary. She talks him into breaking up with Mary because he can’t provide for her. Even though I understand Claire’s motivation, I sorta want to smack her. Alex is so kind, he actually thanks Claire and bows to her before he stoically walks away in his beautifully made black wool jacket with little white specks that I want.
Jamie meets with the evil/studly Comte St. Germain, tapping his fingers so hard, I think he’s inventing Morse Code. He and St. Germain despise each other but they’ll have to do business like JR Ewing and Cliff Barnes on Dallas. #80sReference Jamie and Claire are in their apartment talking about their nefarious plans and I can almost see The Butler I Don’t Trust lurking around the corner with a clipboard taking notes. Claire wants to concoct a potion to make someone look like they’ve got smallpox and plant them on St. Germain’s ship.
Jamie randomly gives Claire a lovely Push Present…a set of 12 silver Apostle spoons sent from Lallybroch. Claire says she’s worried she might not be a good mother, but she needn’t worry. Lots of people have no mothers or bad mothers, but still become excellent mothers…I should know.
The next day they are at the gorgeous Versailles Horse Show surrounded by beauty and opulence and Jamie comments he misses the smell of the stable and I do too. Jamie promised to help the Duke of Sandringham with his equine evaluation and as they wander throughout the fancy horse show, me thinks the Duke is having trouble keeping his hands off Jamie and I wonder who doesn’t lust for this man? The Duke, who has better instincts than I thought, tells Jamie he thinks the Prince is a twit. Jamie agrees, but says Charles’s father is the true King.
Oh goody, here come’s Annalise. She is the original Mean Girl back before that was a thang. They walk among the gardens and her snippy attitude gives me indigestion. Girl? You lost Jamie so get over it.
Annalise says a rather dashing man is staring at Claire and she turns to see her worst nightmare Black Jack Randall approaching. He looks thrilled to see her, Claire not so much. He introduces himself to Annalise in the worst accented french since the Grey Poupon commercial, but it seems just right for him.
The King approaches and Claire has no choice but to introduce him to BJR. The King’s Posse giggles at BJR’s accent which is obnoxious but no humiliation is too small for Randall so I dig it. Jamie then approaches and doesn’t seem as freaked out as I thought he’d be but I don’t understand men so who knows. He gets in a zinger about Randall having an unfortunate encounter with some sheep. #Baah
BJR tells the King he’s come to ask Sandringham to reconsider his brother Alex’s loss of position and the King tells him to beg. He tricks Black Jack into getting on his knee and begging and Randall looks like a fool, so that’s good. Claire tells the King she isn’t feeling well and he says she can go and so can Jamie. He tells BJR to get up before he stains his pretty britches. Jamie asks Claire if she’s really unwell and she says she’s fine. He turns and struts back to BJR and challenges him to a duel. Jamie looks happier than I’ve seen him in a while. #MenAreWeird
They return to their apartment, but instead of getting out of her Cinderella carriage, Claire hauls ass to the Bastille. Jamie and Murtagh stay behind plotting out Jamie’s duel with Randall when Claire returns and tells them she put the kibosh on it cuz she swore that Jack Randall attacked her and Mary and Jack done got locked up in the Poky. They are both royally pissed at her and Claire kicks Murtagh out of their room. Claire tells Jamie if he kills Randall then poor, boring Frank won’t be born because Mary’s his many times great granny. I wish Claire had a Polaroid of him so I could check to see if Frank’s disappearing like in ‘Back To The Future.’
Jamie’s about to blow a gasket and says Claire needs to make a choice, him or Frank. He puts a scary dagger in her hand and tells her to kill him now as he can’t live if BJR’s alive. She tosses it down and says he owes her a life and she’s claiming the debt now. Jamie says he’s a man of honor and he will honor his debt, then he kisses his sword and says he’ll give her a year. This reminds me of Michael Corleone kissing Fredo in the Godfather and I just can’t with the feels. Then he says ‘Do Not Touch Me’ with such anger it sort of freaks me out. Those two can really fight. They are worse than guests on a Jerry Springer episode and I wish they’d stop.
Every episode of Season 2 is my favorite one. And this is no exception. I suppose it’s like choosing a favorite child…the answer changes every day and you’d never say it out loud even if you were asked. I wonder what we all did for a life before the dawn of Outlander. I can hardly remember and to tell you the truth, I don’t want to contemplate a world without it. See you next week folks… till then Tulach Ard Y’all!
Claire’s breathing down Jamie’s neck, probably bored senseless and distracting Jamie from his chess game with Duverney. The evil/hot Comte St. Germain who’s entire Bucket List seems to be ‘Hate Claire Fraser’, appears and gives Claire the side eye yet again. Jamie gives Claire a nonverbal heave ho and she walks across the room and takes a glass of wine from a tray, as pregnant women did back then. Suddenly Claire begins to choke and Jamie runs over, picks her up Disney Prince-Style and exits stage right, hopefully to a local Minor Emergency Clinic.
Later that evening as Claire lays in bed recovering, Jamie suggests she host a dinner party for the Duke. His plan is to provoke Charles into acting like the eejit he is in front of the Duke so nobody will back his plan and I remember this plot being used once on All My Children with Erica Kane and it worked so why not give it a try?
Claire finally unloads the secret she’s been carrying around and tells Jamie that sadistic Black Jack is still alive. Instead of responding with the conniption fit we all expected, Jamie is thrilled to hear this news as he wants to beat the crap out of Jack and kill him his own self. I ran this bizarre logic past my husband who agreed it would be easier if BJR was dead, but if it was him, he’d want to kill him with his own bare hands. #MenAreStrange
Next day Claire goes to visit my favorite druggist, Master Raymond. He apologizes for selling Bitter Cascara to an unknown servant but he had no idea it was for her. Bitter Cascara sounds like the most obnoxious woman at the Country Club that no one wants to caddy for: ‘That Cascara is so bitter, her poor husband has to pay the caddies twice the going rate.’ Apparently I’m wrong and it’s a scary tree bark that can cause death. MasterR does a Sheep Knuckle Yahtzee hocus pocus move and tells Claire that she will see Frank again. He then gifts her with a necklace that will change color in the presence of poison, followed by a jaunty little wink. I love him!
Claire is summoned for an urgent meeting with Louise and Mmm-ary who are admiring a cuckoo clock. Speaking of cuckoo…Louise is pregnant with Charles’ baby and asks Claire for help ridding herself of the child but Claire convinces her to trick her husband into thinking it’s his because as long as the child is raised with love, it will be okay. #SadForeshadow
Jamie arrives home after a night of drinking and whoring, filled with lust, his thighs covered with bite marks and tries to explain to Claire how he finally wants to make bonk-a-dee-bonk with her again because BJR is dead and a ho introduced him to the number 69 and I’m thinking if he doesn’t shut it, he’s gonna need the number 911 because Claire’s gonna open a can of whoop ass on him. His logic confuses me. Even Loretta Lynn will tell you, ‘Don’t Come Home A Drinkin With Lovin On Yer Mind!’
Finally, Jamie delivers one of the best speeches from the book about the private place we all have inside ourselves and how he’s been hiding there and how he’s growing strong again and they end up spending a very sweet, passion-filled night together and book readers from around the world send up a ginormous cheer!
There’s an intruder on their roof and it turns out to be Prince Charles arriving without his wig or his dignity but with a nasty monkey bite instead. It seems he’s also having girl problems. Mark me….that man is a loon. Claire patches him up and sends him on his way.
It’s the day of the fancy dinner party, but Claire sets out to the hospital to help victims of an explosion with Murtagh and Fergus as her escorts. As Claire works inside the building, Fergus educates Murtagh on the ways of women explaining how Mary is in love with another man even though she’s promised to the nasty old wart dude or NOWD. Inside the building, Claire meets Monsieur Forez, the hangman who doubles as a doctor and applies his creepy ‘Hangman’s Grease’ to a patient.
As Claire heads out for the day, they discover the wheel to her Cinderella carriage has been tampered with, and they begin walking home. The dinner party has begun and Jamie is greeting his guests alone. If that happened at my house, my husband would have a hissy fit, but Jamie handles it like a champ. First up, he meets sweet Alex Randall, who’s the polar opposite of his nasty bro and who’s arrived with his lecherous yet charming boss the Duke of Sandringham. Mary’s uncle and fiance arrive, they’re a couple of winners and by that I mean they’re disgusting, clueless and entitled.
As Mary and Claire mosy home (I would’ve thought they’d be hauling ass, but maybe they didn’t do that back then), Mary professes her love for gentle Alex Randall. Suddenly and without warning, nasty men appear and knock Murtagh out and rape poor Mary. Back at the Fraser’s, the Duke has committed a major faux pas and invited the Comte St. Germain and his wife (is she the swan nipple lady?) to dinner. My neighbor had a redneck meltdown when her husband did that cuz she thinks she’s Miss Manners. Me? Yeah, I admit it’s slightly tacky, but I’d just add two more plates to the table and water down the spaghetti sauce. Louise and her husband arrive and Charles lingers far too long over Louise’s hand.
Claire sees the a birthmark on one of the rapists hands at the same time they see Claire’s face and they bolt because she is La Dame Blanche. The Butler I don’t trust interrupts and whispers to Jamie that Claire is home and Mary was raped. Jamie and Murtagh want to run off and give them a Scottish beatdown but Claire keeps a clear head and orders them to stand down. They put Mary to bed with Alex standing guard and Claire dresses for dinner. Jamie tells Claire they can’t call the PoPo because Mary’s life will be over as no one will want her and I wonder if we’re in Baghdad or Paris. Jamie wants to cut off St. Germain’s head, but Claire says no heads will be cut off…..tonight. #Foreshadow #ReadTheBookPeople
Claire enters the room as cool as a cucumber, arriving after the King. Can’t they send you to the poky for that infraction? Claire and Louise get in a quick gossip as they walk into dinner whispering like those crazy broads on the Real Housewives shows. Alex is upstairs whispering sweet nothings with a hot accent to Mary and I’m wondering about genetics vs. environment cuz he’s a darling man and his brother is a monster sort of like the Unabomber and his bro.
The dinner has begun at the beautifully set table in a gorgeous room and the Duke is insulting the Pope and laughing too loudly. Claire encourages the Duke to tell a bad joke as the Comte gives Claire the side eye. I have indigestion just watching them. Charles asks the Duke if he’s married and it reminds me of that old talk show where Liberace told the interviewer he ‘hadn’t met the right girl yet.’ Jamie mentions that Louise is preggers and Charles downs his drink and slams the glass on the table and it’s time to pass the Awkward Sauce.
Le Comte makes snarky comments at the table about Claire’s poison-alarm necklace and we know he’s the bad guy. Mary wakes up and runs downstairs disrupting the dinner party. Mary’s uncle and fiance go nutz(!), a crazy fight breaks out, Murtagh runs in with a scary knife cuz he hasn’t stabbed someone in a month and he’s overdue, Claire throws Jamie a rope and he and Murtagh do a tag team, double dutch garroting move, and it looks like an Animal House frat party on steroids. The only one who’s happy is Fergus since he can finally get a decent glass of wine.
Author’s Note: I loved EVERYTHING about this episode. The sets, the set decoration, the costumes, the characters, everything they say and everything they do. In short, it’s like chocolate for my eyes and soul. I can’t wait for next week!
Unless you’ve been sleeping under a rock or are a ‘normal’ fan….which I’m not, you may not know that this is Outlander Premiere Week or as I like to call it, “Why Aren’t I in New York Sipping Gin and Tonics with the Cast and Crew Gossiping About Outlander Shizzle” week.
The first time I wanted to steal a car and careen ‘Thelma and Louise’ style to New York was when I saw the tweets rolling down my Twitter feed this past weekend, seeing all the fun girls hopping on planes, trains and automobiles and heading to the Big Apple. I literally wanted to kick my own ass for not going except I’m not that flexible. Note to self: Sign up for yoga. Note to Self #2: Don’t curse in public.
The second time I wanted to ‘Thelma and Louise’ it was when I saw everyone lined up for the premiere in New York on Monday night. Who cares if it’s 30 degrees and freezing? Not me! I just want to be there hanging with my fellow Outlander fanmily, speculating and guffawing about the possibilities of the new season. Yes, I read the books 1,000 times, but it’s gonna be a little bit different and I wanna know how different or at least talk/guess about it!
The third time I wished I had a private jet parked outside my house like John Travolta was today when I watched the Television Academy Outlander_Starz Event and saw the coolest kids ever on that stage confabbing about all things Outlander. Fun Fact. I left my television career (writing, voice overs, hosting, producing, etc.) 20+ years ago to stay home and be a mommy to two incredible, tiny, curly-haired humans. I never missed it… until today. TODAY was the first time I thought ‘Hmm, that would be fun.’ The money sort of sucked at the beginning, the hours were incredibly long, but the laughs and the feelings of accomplishment were pretty spectacular. Anyway, back to John Travolta’s plane. He’d dress in his pilot costume, warm up the engine, fly over my house, lower a rope and away we’d go to New York.
I think today’s Television Academy panel was my favorite event so far. We already know everyone involved in this show is brilliant and we’ve heard them interviewed before, but today we saw deeper into their process and saw a more human side to their personalities, and I loved it!
Also, Terry Dresbach is a freakin peach. I’ve said before I want to start a Caitriona Balfe Fan Club with decoder rings, but I’m thinking, I should start one for Terry too but this time we’d have secret handshakes! Terry is smart, funny, brave and brilliant….stop me when I begin to fawn. Oh. Too. Late.
The Terry and Gary Show. Alright there’s no such thing, but after today I really think there should be. Jon Gary Steele is the Production Designer, or the guy who can make 1740s France out of crappy plywood and look like a superhero while doing it. I sat here with a big goofy grin on my face watching him interact with Terry and thinking about how rare it is for two incredibly talented people to work together for so long and be best friends and how blessed they are to be making television history together. And also, I kept thinking, why is that guy so good looking? Even his name sounds like a superhero….‘Gary Steele!’ I can hear Don Pardo in my head….
There’s so much more happening this week with Cait on the Today Show on Wednesday, Thursday is the Saks Red Carpet Event, Friday, Sam is on ‘Kelly and Michael’ which oughta be a hoot, although I bet you $5,000 somebody is gonna ask Sam the kilt question, and then the Tartan Day Parade on Saturday. If you’re able to go, for heaven’s sake go! If you’re not, then watch from afar cuz that’s fun too.
And if you’re not on Twitter, what are you waiting for?!? It’s so fun and you can start by following me. Here’s my handle: @Gracesmom48, yes it should’ve been Outlander Recaps Etc, but I put the names in backwards cuz that’s how I do… I’m also on Facebook now at Outlander MelissasObservations.comSo, in conclusion, (this is turning into a book report and my middle school English teacher, Mr. Cacatorre, would be so proud), get involved! Never have I ever seen the Showrunners of any show past or present give back so much to the audience, it’s all there for us to be involved in and to enjoy, so JUST DO IT!! And look me up while you’re doing it. Waddya got to lose?!?
As Outlander, Season 2 fast approaches, many of you are wondering, ‘What’s the procedure?’ Occasions as momentous as this require action. After extensive research, i.e. scratching my head and staring at the ceiling for a couple of hours, I’m happy to report I’ve assembled the 4-1-1 all in one place. You’re welcome ladies.
1) As you know the first half of Season 2 takes place in Paris so it’s time to brush up on some easy French phrases buy enrolling in Berlitz or at the very least hanging out in the Ladies Room at your local La Madeleine Restaurant where they play french language skills CDs. This past Christmas, I was thinking ahead when I asked the hubster for a “Learn French While Driving” CD. Although I remember many useful phrases from Madame Doyle’s High School French class, I felt it was my duty to sharpen my skills such as: ‘Pardonez-moi. Avez-vous des Grey Poupon?’
2) It’s time to head to your local Home Depot and grab up some tubes of window and door sealant. Each time Jamie Fraser appears shirtless on screen, your shouts and moans will become consecutively louder and there’s no reason to bother the neighbors or involve the Po Po. It’ll be a public service and also you’ll save on your heating and cooling bills. Win-win.
3) Since you’ll already be at Home Depot, you may as well add some 1/2″ PVC pipe to your cart and build yourself a bum roll and a hoop skirt. As you may know, your Outlander experience is not complete without a little cos-play and you can’t just throw on a maxi skirt and be done with it. You need to replicate Claire’s discomfort in her 1700’s wardrobe. So dust off your sewing machines and start bending PVC pipe cuz you’ve only got a week or so left!
4) I’m not gonna spill the beans, but if what I think is going to happen actually does happen, you’re going to need a Support Group or actual psycho-therapy by the end of the Season. I’m much less of a #BookWhiner than I used to be, however, I’m REALLY hoping the Powers That Be switched things up/changed the crap out of this chapter so that what I think is going to happen actually does NOT happen because I love him/them and I don’t want to lose him/them. And in the words of Forrest Gump, ‘That’s all I have to say about that.’
5) Facebook groups and Twitter are fabulous for sharing all your Outlander feels, but if you’re able to have a buddy with you as you watch the show, you’ll find it verra helpful. If your buddy is another woman, put on your PJs, wrap yourself in a Fraser or MacKenzie tartan, get a case of wine, a gallon of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream, some Adele CDs and you’re good to go. If your buddy is a man, I suggest chicken drummettes (so he can throw the bones against the wall with a shout: ‘clean it up wench!’ (Spoiler Alert: My husband has actually done this and no I didn’t clean it up), don your PVC hoop skirt creation under your new Outlander costume (see #3) and have a barrel of whiskey delivered to your home.
6) Whether he’s Pocket or Super-sized, it’s time to incorporate Cardboard Jamie into your day-to-day activities. Need to wash the mini-van or pull some weeds? Let Jamie help you get your chores done! So what if your neighbors silently mock you? You need to get used to hanging with the Fraser’s, so until they alert the HOA, Jamie’s your new BFF.
7) Last but not least. It’s been a while since you’ve heard ‘Scots,’ so it’s time to brush up on your Outlander phraseology! When your son loses a baseball game, simply say: ‘Dinna Fash Jake…you’ll beat yon wee gommerels next time!’ When your daughter knocks over a giant display of soup cans and paper towels in Target? ‘Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, Gracie…were you raised in a barn?’ This will get you back in the swing of things, with no need for silly subtitles like last year.
If you follow these Seven Simple Steps, you’ll be all set when the new Season of Outlander begins on April 9! As always, I’m happy I could be of ‘assistance’. I’ll be back with my re-caps and memes each week, but until then, Tulach Ard Y’all!!