This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII. I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.
We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire
who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face. But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream! Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the Ball. Claire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.
Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday. Why is she at work?! Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him. Mkaaaay. Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.
She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs. Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him. Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt. He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.
Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire. Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’. Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up. Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her. Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound. Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz. But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.
Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew Thomas. Claire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.
Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay. Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove. #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.
Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss Frank. Dougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip? Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair. Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled. Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.
#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west! I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.
Knock knock. Who’s There? It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home. At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips. Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action? A zillion to none. J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’ Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff. He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book. Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake. Repeat after me: ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’ Say it TEN TIMES!
Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure Thomas. Father B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life. Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her. I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.
That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy! Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault. Jamie is a ‘movie talker’! I’m surprised he’s not texting! He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes. Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’ What will happen next week? How should I know? And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop? Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.