Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

Outlander, Episode 114 Re-cap, The Search or ‘Looking For Mr. Fraser’

As soon as they discover Jamie has been captured by the English, Claire and Jenny hastily gather supplies for the search and within minutes are galloping away from Lallybroch following a map hastily drawn by Ian.

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They find the ambush spot and Jenny goes from man to man saying the Prayer for the Dead over each body. They continue on their journey tracking the men as Jenny calls a time out and jumps off her horse to express her breast milk.  She’s such a bad ass, I forgot she had a newborn at home. (Laura Donnelly is a gifted actress but I doubt even she can lactate on command and I look forward to learning how this process works as it looks completely realistic.)  They’re galloping through the forest when Jenny pulls up, jumps off her horse and checks the temperature of the horse shit in their path, finding it still warm. Warm shit = redcoats.

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They locate the redcoats gathering place, and see one of the men leaving and capture him to learn Jamie’s whereabouts.  He won’t spill the beans, so Jenny burns the bottom of his feet with a hot poker.  They discover he’s a courier so Claire looks in his bag and finds a message that says Jamie escaped. Jenny and Claire argue whether or not they should kill him, but as they argue, Murtagh has quietly snuck up and slit the man’s throat.
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That night they dine on tree bark gnawed directly from a fallen trunk washed down with Jenny’s breast milk hastily pasteurized over the campfire.  In the morning, Jenny, our pint-sized badass, must return to her baby and as she hugs Claire goodbye, Claire tells her when she returns to Lallybroch, she must plant potatoes, help generations of the Fraser clan save their teeth by brushing with twigs* and invest in Microsoft.  With Jenny gone, Murtagh explains his plan to find Jamie. They must draw attention to themselves so Jamie will know where to find them.  At the next town, Murtagh makes a fine attempt at a Lallybroch Riverdance performance and Claire tells fortunes all while secretly questioning the audience for clues.
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They decide they need to ‘jazz up’ the act and Murtagh finds his inner Jay-Z and becomes the Producer as well as the opening act.  The final result is Claire at her most madcap and adorable with several spoonfuls of terror thrown in for good measure.
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At the next village they discover that gypsies have stolen their act and are performing their song.  They confront the gypsy king and ask him to stop his woman from performing it.  He says songs belong to everyone and you can’t own words. In a rare blockhead move, Claire attempts to bribe the gypsy king by giving him ALL their money.  A disgusted Uncle Murty explains that the song would’ve drawn Jamie to them, now two women will be performing and he won’t know where to go. He tells her to go back home and he’ll find Jamie on his own, but Claire pulls rank saying he’s pledged to the Laird so he must follow her orders.

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They continue riding from village to village until one night they’re camped in a breathtaking seaside cave and their argument reaches a boiling point.  Claire has borrowed Jamie’s ‘Jump To Conclusion Mat’ and sneers at Murtagh saying he’s never lost someone he loved.  Murtagh, using more words than he ever has at one time, tells her he was in love with Jamie’s mother but she loved someone else. Years ago, to prove himself worthy, he killed a wounded boar with a dagger and had bracelets made from the tusks as her wedding gift and Jamie is like a son to him.

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Next night the gypsy king comes to Claire and says a man left a message for her at their show and gives her the location of a meeting place.  She and Murtagh rush there, but sadly, the man they meet is not our Jamie but Dougal, who has created quite a cozy lair/bat cave for himself.  He tells them that Jamie was captured, tried and sentenced to hang at Wentworth and there’s no way to save him.  He keeps speaking of Jamie in the past tense and if there was a way to jump through my TV screen and punch him in the nose, I would have.  Dougal proposes she marry him and as War Chief of Clan MacKenzie he will protect Claire, Lallybroch and the tenants.  Claire counters by asking how many of the MacKenzie men are with him and he says 10.  She asks for a chance to convince them to help rescue Jamie and if she fails, she will marry Dougal.
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She and Murtagh go to the MacKenzie men who at first mock their plan, but finally young Willie steps forward saying Jamie has always protected him and he’ll go.  Soon our favorites Rupert and Angus grudgingly say they will go and help rescue Jamie too.

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That’s all for this week’s folks. This one wasn’t as scary as I’d thought, so we’ve got a bit of a reprieve until next week. You can read my Survival Guide to the last few episodes in the link below along with a Spoilery comment. I’d love to hear what you thought about this episode. I LOVED it, especially Claire’s young boy costume, bad ass Jenny and every single thing about Murtagh.

SPOILERS BELOW:

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I can’t wait until Claire rescues Jamie, but I really, really don’t want to see what happens to him until she does. I’ve confessed to using the ‘skim and cringe’ method when reading about Jamie and Wentworth and I’ll probably use it again when viewing.  I’ll attempt to re-cap the next two episodes, although I truly have no idea how that’ll work.  Until next time…. The following may help you survive the final episodes: https://melissasobservations.com/2015/05/07/the-top-8-things-youll-need-to-survive-the-final-three-outlander-episodes/

* a little treat for the book readers

Outlander, Episode 13 Re-cap, ‘The Watch’ a.k.a ‘The Dirty Half Dozen’

Claire wakes up from her happy, restful sleep and goes downstairs to find Jamie being held at gunpoint by Taran MacQuarrie, who’s Head of the The Watch/Scottish Mafia in a role normally played by Robert DeNiro.

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Jenny and Ian cautiously welcome MacQuarrie and his men.  Ian returns MacQuarrie’s sword that he had repaired and oiled for him. Like a typical family, Jamie, Claire, Ian and Jenny excuse themselves and go to the kitchen to argue as Jamie is simmering with anger that The Watch uses their home like an Air BnB. Jenny has a Braxton-Hicks contraction, which come to think of it, would make a lovely name if the baby is a boy….Mi-lord Braxton Hicks Fraser Murray, at your service.   MacQuarrie is very charming at dinner or as charming as a man can be who always looks as though he’s deciding whether or not to kill you.

Jamie agrees to mend one of their horses and the next day he removes a horseshoe with a little help from wee Rabbie McNabb.  I wonder if every child in Scotland is adorable, or if this is only the result of Outlander Casting brilliance where they use antique crystal balls and magical Scottish pixie dust to locate these gorgeous children.  Jamie can’t seem to stop himself from making passive-aggressive remarks when he’s near The Dirty Half Dozen, so the idiots set fire to the hay wagon and Jamie and a few Lallybroch men put it out.  Jamie angrily confronts them and a scary man with huge teeth pulls a gun on him as wee Rabbie looks on.

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The members of The Watch are itching for a fight and so is Jamie and they all get their wish.  Jamie obviously had an Asian fighting instructor when studying in Paris as he has mad skills that combine Scottish sword fighting, Kung Fu and a dollop of Downward Facing Dog.  MacQuarrie, who may work for Monster Jobs’ Extortionist Division, is so impressed with Jamie’s skills that he immediately tries to recruit him to join his band of un-merry men but JAMMF says ‘thanks, but no thanks’.

The barking of the Fraser hounds signal the arrival of the rest of The Watch which includes Horrocks, the hunky, Irish redcoat deserter.  Jamie and Claire have a wee moment in the Speak-A-Word Room as she pledges to stand by him ‘no matter the cost’. Soon after, Jamie hears Horrocks telling The Watch where and when they’ll ambush the Chisolm Rent Party.  Outside Jenny, Claire and Mrs. Crook are doing laundry in big kettles because sadly electricity and running water have not yet been invented by Eli Whitney and Alexander Graham Bell.  Adorable, wee Jamie is playing with Claire and experimentally splashing her with water because he’s watched The Wizard of Oz too many times.  The women are chatting and Jenny tells Claire that Ian was raised to guard his Chief’s weaker side…#Foreshadow and I begin to get even more nervous.  Speaking of water, Jenny’s breaks and stuff just got real.

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Claire examines Jenny and finds the baby is breach or as Jenny says ‘footling’ which sounds like a whimsical event instead of the horror show it really is.  Claire tries to turn the baby by manipulating the outside of her belly but it doesn’t work. Jenny tells Claire about Grannie McNabb’s medical potions, which reminded me how much I wanted to see what she looked like.  Couldn’t they have dressed up an old grey-haired crone, slapped a “Grannie McNabb” name tag on her and paraded her back and forth in front of the camera?  Would’ve worked for me.

Jamie sees Horrocks making himself way too comfy in their home office and steps in for a word.  Horrocks says Jamie’s sister and wife are hot babes and you can tell Jamie wants to punch his lights out, but he restrains himself.  Seems Horrocks wants to move to Beantown and needs to make bank prior to the trip. Horrocks extorts money from Jamie with the skills of a young Don Corleone and promises that he’ll keep his mouth shut once he’s been paid. #HorrocksIsNoLongerHunkyToMe

The baby has dropped, labor is intensifying and to distract her, Claire asks Jenny to tell her what it feels like to be pregnant.  They talk in between contractions and I wish she’d use Lamaze breathing, but Mr. Lamaze and his helpful technique wasn’t widely popular till the 1970’s.  The baby is still breach so Claire tells Jenny, she’ll have to reach inside and turn it and Jenny takes this news like a champ but asks for whisky, pot brownies and the inkwell from her home office to sniff between contractions.
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Ian and Jamie are fixing the hay wagon and their hands are as dirty as a NASCAR pit crew which makes me wonder if Lava soap is still a ‘thing’.  Ian tells Jamie he’s behaving like he’s got a thistle up his arse and antagonizing The Watch. Ian likes MacQuarrie because he protects them from the redcoats and the sicko Black Jack Randall as no man can fight him alone. #Foreshadow He also says MacQuarrie reminds him of Jamie.  I love how Jamie completely trusts Ian and decides to live with the devil they know.  He then tells Ian about the Horrocks situation and Ian tells Jamie to pay him off with the hidden inheritance money.  Jamie doesn’t want to, but finally agrees as he has no Plan B.
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Jamie and Claire are in their room talking about their future family and Claire confesses that she probably can’t have children. Jamie struggles with his emotions and tells her it’s for the best because he can bear pain for himself but he can’t bear seeing her in pain. The writer is throwing so many wonderful Outlander lines into this episode, I want to bake my favorite home-made chocolate cake for her as a thank you, but I don’t know how to send it through the mail.  The look of pain on his face when Claire turns away is very real and I feel like I shouldn’t be watching.
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Jamie meets Horrocks in a secluded area and gives him the money.  But like the wee prick he is, Horrocks wants more and threatens Jamie if he doesn’t deliver. The situation is intense and Bear McCreary’s excellent score is not helping my TMJ. Horrocks pulls a gun on Jamie when suddenly a sword comes through the Irishman’s chest and we see Ian has run him through to protect Jamie and their families. Ian seems to be going into shock after killing him and Jamie distracts him by saying ‘remember when we used to argue about what’s the bigger sin, fornication or killin? Ian says if Jamie’s goin to hell then he’ll go too.

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Back in the maternity ward, Jenny asks Claire to put her wedding ring in the jewelry box because her hands are swelling. Claire finds the ‘Sawny’ cherrywood snake in the box and Jenny says their dead brother, Willie, carved it for Jamie.  I’ve waited 20 years to see what it looks like and I love it and I want one now!
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At breakfast, MacQuarrie, who’s nobody’s fool, asks Ian and Jamie why they killed Horrocks.  Ian begins to confess when Jamie cuts him off and says hedunnit.  Good thing they don’t have CSI labs back then or the confession would be thrown out STAT.  MacQuarrie says he never liked Horrocks anyway, but now they’re down one man, Jamie must ride with The Dirty Half Dozen or he’ll kill them all.  Jamie and Ian go tell their wives who are not happy campers.

Jamie and Claire go to their room to say goodbye and it’s poignant and heartbreaking  especially when Claire gives Jamie the carved snake from Willie and he puts it in his sporran/Scottish man purse.  BTW, Starz needs to mass produce the Sawny snakes and sell ’em for $10 each and sit back and watch the money roll in.  10 times 1,000,000 is $10,000,000 and there’s another season of Outlander.  You’re Welcome Starz.  If you need anything else, give me a call…I’m here for you.  Claire says ‘haste ye back’ and I want to suggest they both stand in that lighting every single day of their lives because they look so delectable.  They kiss goodbye and Jamie turns to leave and it’s in slow motion, and I shout for him not to go as that’s an indicator of trouble, but he cannot hear me cuz this is a TV show, but it seems verrrra real to me and perhaps I should seek professional help.

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Jamie and Ian are riding with The Watch and Jamie’s talking to MacQuarrie who says he’s formed his gang because he was tired of fighting for rich dukes and kings and making them more rich and powerful. (Looks like times haven’t changed much since 1744.)  He tries to convince Jamie to join up, but he says he’ll pass due to the gorgeous, loving wife he has at home.  MacQ says he’d never turn Jamie over to the British because he’s been in Tolbooth Prison and he wouldn’t wish it on a dog.  The men ride down a narrow passage into a tunnel as Jenny is back home in heavy labor. #ExcellentImagery/Metaphor  Jamie realizes they’ve been set up and tries to warn the men, but it’s too late.

Back at Lallybroch we find that Claire has been sitting on the steps for days, holding baby Maggie and staring at the road.  Everyone on the estate is waiting for their return, and Jenny comes out to Claire and says she watched that road for four years and Jamie finally came home and he’ll come home again.
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Jenny gives Claire a pair of carved bracelets that belonged to her mother.  She says they will look beautiful on Claire because she’s tall and queenly like Jenny’s mother {Ellen Fraser} was. They were a gift from an admirer but Ellen would never say who he was.  #Foreshadow  Suddenly the dogs begin barking as Ian comes hopping/hobbling down the lane supported by one of The Dirty Half Dozen and says Horrocks set them up and they were ambushed and the damn Redcoats took his wooden pirate leg and his horse. The rest of the men were killed except MacQuarrie who was injured.  Jamie who’s motto is ‘No Man Left Behind’, stayed with him and was captured and taken away by the English.  Claire walks to the road and the way she stares breaks my heart.

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Post Script:  We all knew this was coming, but still I really wish it wouldn’t. From here on out it’s gonna be a bumpy, scary ride. I may not watch it all and what I do watch will be from behind a pillow with the volume all the way down. Yes, I am that afraid to see it.

#Outlander, Episode 9 Re-Cap, “We’re Back & Jamie’s Spanking, Please Form an Orderly Line”

Preamble:  (like the Constitution cuz I’m so classy)
Oh Scotland, you and your cold, rushing streams, craggy mountains and manly men, how I’ve missed you!

Jamie and the Mackenzies have met up with redcoat deserter, Horrocks, who is played by a rugged, hunky dude with a hot Irish accent. (I did NOT see that coming.) Sadly for Jamie we learn it was Black Jack Randall who killed the sergeant which will not help his cause.  Willie gallops up to say Claire has been taken by the redcoats and Jamie and his buds take off to find her.

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We’re Baaack and We’re Rescuing
We open with Jamie getting into his kilt, (minus all the rocking and rolling we’ve heard about) which is very interesting and (if I’m being honest) more than a little provocative.  At Ft. William, it’s a dark and stormy night…suddenly a Scot pops out (it’s Murtagh!) and he puts a knife to a redcoat’s throat and drags him inside. Jamie says they will de-ball him if he doesn’t tell them where the Englishwoman is.  He says BJR has her and Murtagh cracks me up when he sing/songs “thank you” and bonks him over the head knocking him out.  Jamie does a Barney Fife style mouth whistle to signal Rupert and Angus (I’ve missed our friends!) and they emerge to help Murtagh.  Jamie is creeping around corners like 007, Highlander Edition when a familiar looking Redcoat turns and looks toward the sea.

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Bad news(!)  Jamie must climb down a rope, attached to a rickety wooden contraption thing overhanging the sea to get to Claire. Good News: We immediately pick up where we left off with Jamie in the window and he’s finally able to get out of the squat he’s been holding for six months and apply Icy Hot to his knees.  But first BJR is holding Claire with a knife to her throat and forces Jamie to surrender his gun. Then he makes lewd suggestions including a ‘Menage A’ Fraser’ which makes Jamies nostrils flare like a bull.

Suddenly BJR fires the pistol at Jamie (oops, it’s not loaded!) which momentarily distracts him and Jamie grabs him and smacks his head on the table like a weird broken puppet.  I was hoping that Jamie and Claire might play Bouncy House and jump up and down on his prone body, but they don’t.  Instead, they head down the stairs but are seen by redcoats who sound an alarm and alert the fort.  Just when we think they’ll be shot, the Hiding Highlanders set off a load of C-4 and blow up the joint.  Jamie and Claire escape by jumping into the sea.

The Highlanders have been riding for hours and they stop so Jamie and Claire can have ‘grown-up time’. He asks her if she’s planning to apologize and she looks at him like she’s been possessed by a demon and they begin battling it out like “War of the Roses”.  Claire even calls for back-up and her angry and expressive chin enters the fray.

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Spanky And Our Gang
It’s after dark and Rupert and Angus lead them into an Inn where the rest of the Mackenzie clan are waiting and our favorite duo regales the crowd with tales of the rescue.  Claire tries to enter the conversation but she is shut down by the men and eventually goes up to bed. Murtagh/Dr. Phil reminds Jamie that as her husband it’s his duty to go upstairs and open a can of whoop ass on her.

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Jamie enters the bedroom and reminds her that she disobeyed him and she must be punished.  “If it was just me, I’d say no more about it, but since you involved the rest of the men, you’ll need to lift up your shift and let me do spanky-spank on you.”  Our modern girl is having none of it, so instead they enter the ring and a regular WWE Smackdown ensues with Claire throwing in a kung-fu kick to his face for good measure.  But since Jamie outweighs her by 80+ pounds, mostly muscle, he eventually administers the naughty spanky-spank which truthfully looks more like fun than punishment, but that might just be me. #Rawr  The next morning the men tease her, but they are no longer angry.

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They return to Leoch and the castle inhabitants have assembled to greet the newlyweds as Jamie and Claire awkwardly struggle to look happy.  Colum and Letitia enter and Colum congratulates Claire and calls her Lady Broch Turach, which I’ve been mispronouncing in my head for 20 years, then glares at Jamie and leaves.

Tearful Laoghaire confronts Jamie in the hallway asking ‘why did you do it?’ and Mean Girl has a point.  He says his marriage was arranged by Dougal (Oh NO you dittent, Jamie!) and he’s late for a meeting and they’ll talk later leaving her standing there with false hope and heaving bosoms.

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Unhappy Fellas
Colum is not happy as he knows about the money raised for the Jacobites.  Dougal argues that their cause is just and lists the deeds he’s done for his brother and the Clan which include:

1)  Collecting rent
2)  Enforcing the law while being handsome
3)  Making wee Hamish with his cold sister-in-law.

Colum kicks Dougal and Ned out and confronts Jamie asking why he betrayed him by marrying the Sassenach knowing that none of the Clan will now support Jamie as Colum’s successor.  Say what? I didn’t know that was even a thing!  I thought the Order of Succession was Dougal, wee Hamish, Prince Harry then Mrs. Fitz due to her ‘Peacekeeping Through Moist Bannocks’ self-published and much adored treatise.  Colum diffuses his anger by rubbing the plump belly of his chirping little bird.  Jamie heads back to his room and smiles hopefully at his wife, but Claire tells him fuggedaboudit.

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Rupert and Angus are bringing frontier justice to Leoch and manhandling poor Willie because he ratted them out to Colum.  Dougal approaches and breaks it up and asks ‘who’s with me’?  Most of the men are and they head off to kill some wee beasties.

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Murtagh tries to convince Jamie to grab Claire and leave town saying they can live off the land.  ‘Spoken like the unmarried man that ye are’ replies our hero.  He may be a newlywed, but he’s not an idiot.  Jamie goes to Colum with a Peace Plan like Jimmy Carter in the 70’s and it works as Colum returns the money to Dougal to pacify the MacKenzies.

We’re back with Jamie at the stream when Laoghaire approaches to have their little talk.  She looks so pretty and sweet and tells him she’s loved him since she was 7-years old.  Laoghaire offers up her luscious bazongas in a desperate Hail Mary Pass and Jamie who’s been sleeping on the family room futon is sorely tempted but instead chants ‘dead puppies, dead puppies’, dives into the cold water, jumps out and runs screaming into the woods.

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Detente-ish
Jamie goes back to the walk-in freezer he’s been sharing with Claire and bows before her and pledges his fealty promising to never do spanky-spank again while launching into the Bob Dylan song “Times They Are A-Changin” accompanying himself on the bongos.  The iceberg Claire is encased in begins to melt and they commence having wild monkey, make-up sex on the floor which looks like a lot of fun, but I can’t help but think they rarely get a comfy bed and they need to use it while they can!  The monkey sex is followed by a Post Coital Q & A which is as follows:

1) What does eff’ing mean?
2) What is a sadist?
3) Does anyone understand the end of “Lost” and were they really dead all along?

The Frasers are now back in love/lust and Jamie says he’ll head downstairs to grab some food when Claire pulls a Michael’s ‘crafting fail’ from under the bed.  It turns out, it’s an ‘ill wish’ that promises harm or death to the person whose bed it’s underneath.  Jamie thinks it might be from Laoghaire.  Gee I wonder why?  Men.

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This episode was well worth waiting for and is my absolute favorite thus far!  I can’t believe six months have passed and now we’re all back again on the endless ‘I Can’t Wait Till Next Saturday Night’ train.  Hallloooo Starz!  How about a binge watch????