The Numbness Is Wearing Off and I’m Asking Why America? Why? Why? Why?

1) The numbness is wearing off and I’m looking around at what’s left of America.
2) Was it always this racist?
3) How did I miss that?
4) Why did I spend so much time befriending Republicans?
5) Because I live in Texas and that’s mostly all there was.
6) My Republican friends are some of the kindest people in the world and they voted for this.
7) I love them, but may never talk to them again. So sue me.
8) Trump loves to sue people.
9) Don’t sue me, I need to save my money.
10) I don’t have much money.
11) We’re nearing retirement, but the first crash took all our money.
12) My husband lost his job and we had to cash out the rest.
13) He’s in his 60’s and will work forever.
14) We were counting on Social Security that we’ve paid into for a combined 80 years.
15) Social Security will vaporize.
16) I’m so worried for my children.
17) I’m so worried for my grandchildren.
18) Will I even have grandchildren?
19) Will there even be a planet?
20) Because Trump has the nukes.
21) God help us. Trump. Has. The. Nukes.
22) Speaking of God…
23) Where do I go to church?
24) My church is filled with Trump supporters.
25) They are the nicest people in the world.
26) I’m NOT kidding.
27) Did they not read the fine print?
28) I still love them.
29) I don’t respect them.
30) I’m grieving about that.
31) TRULY. Grieving. About That.
32) I taught Sunday school for 15 years.
33) I have nowhere to go.
34) I have NOWHERE to go.
35) Why ‘christians’ why?
36) I can’t stop sobbing about this.
37) It’s the worst betrayal.
38) Would black people welcome me in their church?
39) Why should black people welcome me in their church?
40) I wouldn’t welcome me in their church.
41) Do we need secret handshakes?
42) I’m not kidding.
43) LIBERAL white people need a signal to show that we’re a safe place.
44) Not ALL white people.
45) Just SOME white people.
46) I’m terrified for African Americans.
47) I’m terrified for Muslims.
48) I’m terrified for the disabled.
49) I’m terrified for LBGQT.
50) I’m terrified for women.
51) I’m a victim of sexual assault/sexual harassment in the workplace.
52) I reported it.
53) I was threatened with job loss.
54) I shut up because I needed work.
55) What about health care?
56) What about pre-existing conditions?
57) I have pre-existing conditions.
58) I am so screwed.
59) What about my gay friends who’ve been with their spouses for 30 years?
60) Are their marriages invalidated?
61) Invalidated is a long word.
62) Why do Trumpers hate long words?
63) Why are their SM rants filled with spelling errors?
64) Why are their SM rants filled with punctuation errors?
65) Why are they so angry?
66) Trump Whites have it ALL.
67) Trump Whites HAD it all.
68) Trump Whites are getting ready to lose it all.
69) Why? Why? Why?
70) I’m afraid to publish this
71) I’m afraid to publish this in America.
72) America!
73) I’m a middle-aged, white lady in America and I’m afraid.
74) I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.
75) God. Help. Us. All.

PS  A message to the Trump supporters: Your misspelled, poorly punctuated hate is being laughed at and deleted. You’ve just proven numbers 63, 64 & 65.

104 #Sam Heughan Thoughts featuring Davie Hollywood, Driver Extraordinaire; My Daughter, Grace & Carly Brown, the Scottish National Poetry Slam Champ.

A zillion years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘My Top 10 Thoughts When I See Sam Heughan.’ (I’ll put the link at the end.) I thought it was time to update my thoughts. This time it’s more than 10. It’s 104. Geez

1.  What a fine young man.
2.  Who uses that expression?
3.  My dead Aunt Ruth, that’s who.
4.  I’m as old as her when I thought she was really old.
5.  She used a cane.
6.  What was I talking about?
7.  Oh yes, that fine young man, Sammy Heughan.
8.  I probably shouldn’t call him Sammy.
9.  He seems to have lovely manners and that doesn’t happen by accident.
10. His mom must be so proud.
11. My Aunt Ruth would pinch his cheeks.
12. The other cheeks.  The ones on his face.
13. You all have dirty minds.
14. When he’s in character he is SO flippin hot.
15. He must exercise all the time.
16. I should’ve kept up with my fitness regime after I had kids.
17. But I didn’t.
18. I did My Peak Challenge.
19. I did it quietly.
20. I don’t do anything quietly.
21. This time I did.
22. I lost 40 pounds.
23. How the F did I do that?
24. I’m proud of myself.
25. I’m proud of all the My Peak Challenge Ladies
26. It would’ve been cool if Sam had married my daughter.
27. But she’s in love with someone else and she’s never met Sam.
28. She lives in Utah.
29. Utah is too far away.
30. Sometimes I miss her so much I think I’ll go nuts.
31. If she married Sam, they would’ve had bagpipes at their wedding.
32. If she marries Red Jake, I’ll beg her to have bagpipes, but she’s not engaged.
33. I wonder if Red Jake is Scottish.
34. He’s a ginger after all.
35. Maybe I’ll get them DNA testing for Christmas.
36. I wonder how much time Sam gets off for Christmas.
37. Probably a month.
38. He has a grueling schedule.
39. Thank God he has Davie Hollywood to drive him everywhere.
40. I wonder if Sam sleeps in the car on the way to work.
41. I wonder if Davie puts a blankie on him and tucks a teddy bear next to his face?
42. Probably not.
43. He probably just lets him sleep.
44. When they get to work, I wonder if Davie slaps him in the face or just gently wakes him up?
45. I’m going with ‘gently wakes him up.’
46. It would be funny if Sam had to punch a time clock.
47.  Like the ones in factories in WW II where they built airplanes.
48.  I’m sure he doesn’t.
49.  That would be funny though.
50.  I would’nt want to sit still for four hours while someone put scar make-up on my back.
51.  I wonder if he practices his lines while they’re doing that.
52. I can hardly sit still to have my hair cut.
53. He has so much patience.
54. How does he memorize all those lines?
55. I read that some old-timey actors wrote dialogue on their hands.
56. When I was in the play Bye Bye Birdie, I left weird notes on the set so my co-star would find them mid-performance.
57. He stayed in character.
58. But his eyes were laughing.
59. I bet Sam misses theatre.
60. All actors miss theatre.
61. It’s terrifying and wonderful.
62. Like my honeymoon.
63. Just kidding.
64. I like to use that reference.
65. I slept through my honeymoon.
66. I was tired.
67. I drank too much at my wedding.
68. And didn’t eat.
69. I wonder what Sam eats?
70. Probably protein bars.
71. I bet he unwraps them first.
72. He’s very manly.
73. I bet he could digest paper.
74. But who’d want to do that?
75. Why does my mind wander so much?
76. I bet it’s cuz I’m a Gemini.
77. Not because I’m old.
78. Let’s go with that.
79. Sam’s not old.
80. Sam is hot.
81. It always comes back to that.
82. He’s a brilliant actor.
83. I hope he gets an Emmy some day.
84. I wonder if he’s being judged by his looks?
85. Women are judged by their looks.
86. It sucks.
87. He really is a brilliant actor.
88. He doesn’t miss a trick.
89. He and Cait have wonderful chemistry as Jamie and Claire.
90. I hated Chemistry class.
91. I hated ALL science classes.
92. In Europe you don’t have to study science if you’re an English major.
93. I know that cuz Texan, Carly Brown went to St. Andrews and she told me.
94. She’s the 2013 Scottish National Poetry Slam Champion. She’s getting her Ph.D. in Glasgow.
95. I wrote a blog about her.
96. She makes me proud.
97. She was an alarmingly alert baby.
98. Sam and his buddies should go see her perform in Glasgow.
99. Her poetry is hilarious. And socially relevant.
100. He’d laugh his ass off.
101. I’ve seen his ass.
102. I should exercise more.
103. I already said that.
104. Sam’s a fine young man…

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Sam Heughan, (Being Adorable) Great North Run

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Grace & Red Jake being weird.

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Davie Hollywood Being a Trusty Side-Kick in his Groovy Car

https://melissasobservations.com/2014/09/30/top-10-thoughts-when-i-see-sam-heughan/

 

What happens when my 29-year old son watches #Outlander episode ‘The Watch’ and acts like a wee loon.

 

My son’s work hours are weird cuz he works in TV news.  So he randomly had a rainy day off in the middle of the week and I was home so he says, ‘Let’s watch another episode of Outlander.  But I’m not gonna be funny, I just want to watch this time.’  Me: ‘Okay that sounds good.’  **Runs and gets a notebook.  Hides it by my side.**

The theme music starts and the melodious tones of Raya Yarbrough echo through the living room….’Billow and breeze, island and sees.’ 

Jake chimes in ‘Bilbo and brie, I like good cheese…’

Credits play.

Jake:  ‘Wow, that’s an expensive transition!  Lens flare!’

Jake:  (Reads all the credits with a weird Scottish accent, until I started laughing.)  ‘What?  Am I good at it?’

Me:  ’NO!’

Jake:  ‘Oh, look.’  They’re having sex again.

Jake in high cockney accent:  ‘Blimey!  Don’t touch the rock!’

McQuarrie holds a gun to Jamie’s head.

Jake:  He’s gotta use his Scottish kung-fu moves.  He could totally get outta that.  I learned that move in 4th grade karate.

McQuarrie puts the gun down and talks to Ian and Jenny.

Jake:  ‘Really?  All that tensions and it’s all LOL, JK.  If this was Game of Thrones, they’d put the gun straight up his ass and set it on fire.’

Me:  ‘I’m so glad it’s not Game of Thrones.’

Jake: I thought his last name was Frasier, not McTavish.  Sings Frasier theme song: ‘Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.’

Sees McQuarrie’s clan pin.

Jake: ‘Is that like a merit badge?’  ‘I bet it’s for woodcarving. They made their own furniture back then.’ Laughs.

Jake:  (Looks at me) ‘I bet you like this show cuz of the sets and costumes.  You like that stuff.’

Robbie McNabb enters scene.

Jake:  “Should I assume that kid will get his ear hammered on that thing?’

The ‘Watch’ are knocking things over and set a hay wagon on fire.

Jake:  ‘Are those guys gonna cause ‘havoc?’  Good word, right?’  Laughs.

A dog barks:

Jake:  ‘The original Lassie is totally dead by the way.’

Horrocks enters.

Jake:  ‘Is that guy Seamus or is he a pirate?’

Wee Jamie splashes Claire.

Jake:  ‘Oh crap, is that kid gonna get his ear nailed?’  ‘I’m glad that wasn’t my punishment when I was little.’

Jenny grabs her stomach and moans.

Jake: ‘Is that lady gonna have her baby?  Oh, her water broke!  Called it!’

Jenny’s labor continues….

Jake:  ‘Why hasn’t she had the baby yet?  Can she just resquirt water up there?  How does that whole thing work?’

Jake (about Jenny)  ‘That actress is hot.  I’ll give her a real baby.’

Me:  ‘She’s pregnant in real life.’

Jake:  ‘Does she have a sister?’

Jamie and Ian are talking.

Jake:  ‘That guy’s leg looks like a bicycle pump.  Is he a pirate?’

Ian to Jamie:  ‘What will you do about Horrocks?’

Jake shouts:  ‘Kill em dog!’ ‘Roll up on em gangsta style!’

Claire in the bedroom talking to Jamie:  ‘It’s me that’s let you down. I can’t have children.’

Jake:  ‘It coulda been that other husband.  He’s already a huge pussy. This would just be one more nail in the coffin.’

Jamie’s waiting outside for Horrocks.

Jake in a deep voice:  “Hey man, you got da stuff?’  Dude!  Blast him with your street justice?  No wait….is it gonna be Claire?  Why would he sneak out to meet Claire?’  No!  It’s the pirate!’

And then he stopped talking and kept watching.  When we watch Outlander together, I never know how much he’s going to say and how long it’ll last, but I always know he’s good for a few laughs.  Until next time folks!

Lord John Grey Announced! Heughan, Dresbach & Steele Respond! I like exclamation points!!!

Outlander Starz today announced the casting of Australian actor David Berry as Lord John Grey causing formerly dead ovaries to re-launch and breasts to move to the auto lactate zone in a phenomenon reported by the AMA and other Medical Associations around the world.  NASA is also looking into possible connections with tidal flow interference along with planet rotational hijinks although that’s just a ‘working theory’ according to their spokesperson.

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Sam Heughan who’s hard at work shooting Season 3 of Outlander was reached on set and bellowed, ‘Jesus H Roosevelt Christ’, this new guy’s right hunky and God willing can finally take the heat off me. ‘Somebody find Davie Hollywood and tell him to skedaddle out for a $hit TON of donuts, give some to the cast and crew and save SEVEN boxes for me! Also, cancel my morning work-out cuz the big guy’s sleeping in!’  Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.44.12 PM

Costume Designer, Terry Dresbach announced a contingency plan which involves placing expandable fabric inserts into Heughan’s costumes to allow for ‘celebratory girth’ and Production Designer, Jon Gary Steele (who never seems to use his first name but continues to hang onto it for some reason) immediately ordered carpenters to widen doors on the sets and said, ‘we plan for these types of things, so no need for panic!’ although his voice rose sharply at the end of the sentence so it’s anyone’s guess what that’ll do to budgets.

Here’s a paparazzi snap from behind the scenes of Heughan taken this week. It looks like someone pulled a ripcord on an inflatable raft!!!

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But now back to a few actual truths vs. the drivel I’ve been pawning off in the previous 4 paragraphs.  David Berry, a hunkalicious Australian, IS the actor now known as Lord John Grey and according to his IMDB page, he was a singer and violinist in his early years (Holy crap, me too. For realzies!!) .  He later studied at the NIDA (National Institute of Dramatic Arts) and graduated in 2010 where it looks like he immediately booked lots of gigs due to his acting skill, experience and the aforementioned hunkiness.  You can check out his page here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4885081/Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.54.38 PM

Them’s slim pickins kids, but that’s all we know right now except that with a tiny bit of on-line digging, I’m sure we can find lonely lasses whining that he’s not blond enough, doesn’t have an ‘aquiline nose’ or other such yammerings.  But as for myself and the other 99% sane Outlander viewers, there’s nothing but happiness, rainbows and smooth sailing ahead with today’s announcement.

Note:  The first four paragraphs are humor or ‘parody’ as it’s sometimes known.  No harm is meant or implied.  Void where prohibited.  If you have an erection that lasts more than three hours, please contact your doctor or the Guinness Book of World Records. Namaste.

 

 

#Outlander, Epi 212 Re-cap: Why is Jamie so sexy even covered in filth? Who will marry Mary? Why is Charles In Charge? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Highlanders drag their sorry arses into the encampment outside of Inverness.  They haven’t eaten, slept or bathed much in weeks and as Claire says, ‘their worst nightmare was coming true.’  Rupert is in a foul mood and still missing Angus although he’s now hanging out with NotKincaid, his new BFF, a handsome, sweet guy with front teeth.  Jamie immediately sends Dougal out on patrol to locate the British, he sends Murtagh out to locate the Prince and I wish he had time to locate something of Claire’s, but there’s so much we still need to cover from the book, so that’s not to be.  Murtagh chimes in and updates us they’re a few miles from Culloden and the battle will be in 3 days. Jamie tries to be optimistic and prop up Claire, but she’s down in the dumps and why shouldn’t she be?  There’s a good chance in a couple of days, she’s going to have to leave the hottest guy God ever created and spend the next twenty years with boring, boring Frank, I’d be sad too. Before she gets any rest, she hightails it into town to refill her medical supplies.Meme_DoWeDoIt
At the Inverness Walgreens, Claire stumbles upon Mary Hawkins who’s now speaking with a PBS/Masterpiece Theatre accent and loading up on drugs for Alex.  She’s a wee bit cold to Claire since she learned of her plot to put the kibosh on their relationship.  Claire apologizes and offers to come help Alex.

The Generals, Jamie, various military officers in shiny uniforms and the frickin, clueless Prince are meeting to discuss strategy. Jamie’s a broken record trying to explain why their plans won’t work and even tries to appeal to the Prince’s intellect.  I long to tell him this won’t work because the Prince is a twit, but Jamie can’t hear me since apparently this is a TV show!  Clueless Charlie decides to take a stand and does it while proclaiming his manliness and Me thinks he doth protest too much.
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Claire goes to see Alex who is looking very ‘Randall-ish’ and it’s obvious even to those of us who received our MD by watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman that Alex will not recover.  Despite knowing she tried to break them up, he’s still so sweet and polite to Claire‘Johnny Randall’, arrives to check on his brother and Claire tries to hightail it and Mary stops her to say BJR has been paying all their bills. Claire tells Mary that Alex won’t be going back to work like…ever.  Mary says she’s preggo and the Randall brothers both know. Claire skedaddles outside with BJR fast on her heels, he asks her to help his brother and she quickly says alrighty, but only if he tells her the location of Cumberland’s army.  He’s indignant but Claire’s got him between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
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Claire has to tell Jamie that Randall’s in town so Jamie flips over some furniture, as one does, until he realizes the info is useful to him and their cause.  Suddenly Colum MacKenzie arrives and let’s just say he’s not going to have to worry about buying Christmas gifts this year.  He gives his condolences to Rupert for the loss of his domestic partner Angus then commands they bring Jamie and Dougal to him.  Meme_CollumsBaaack
Claire examines Colum with Jamie by her side and gives him the inevitable bad news about his health.  He asks to speak to Claire alone and admits he was wrong about Jamie and Claire’s marriage, he thinks they’re a good match.  After he’s softened her up, he then asks her to put him out of his misery like Jack Kervorkian and she says she’ll do it. He also tells her that Geillis Duncan was kept alive long enough to give birth to a son who was placed with a childless couple,  William and Sarah MacKenzie. #Foreshadow
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Claire visits puir dying Alex Randall, sets up a portable Hookah Lounge and shoots him a combo of primo Thornapple with a half cup of ground Lucky Charms cereal for good measure and suddenly he can breathe.  Alex asks evil Black Jack to marry Mary and give her the Randall name but nobody is merry about him marrying Mary, least of all Mary. Alex, bless his heart, thinks Johnny Be Goode, but since his good side is an urban myth, BJR says no.
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Sweet, darling Murtagh volunteers to marry Mary and I’d give a lot to see Murtagh’s bushy eyebrows wiggling over Modern Bride Magazine while choosing china patterns and wedding venues, but alas it’s not to be.  Claire goes to see sicko BJR who’s getting plastered in a local bar.  Man’s a complete A-hole, but he’s not lacking in intelligence and he speaks like a poet, damn his soul.  BJR returns to the Inn and he and Mary complete their unholy union under the watchful eye of dying Alex and it’s so sad!

Colum meets with Jamie and Dougal and says he wants Jamie to be his son Hamish’s guardian and lead the clan until his son’s of age.  Jamie meets with the Generals and suggests a surprise attack during Butcher Billy’s Birthday Bash and clueless Chuck thinks it’s ungentlemanly but he’s finally convinced that’s it’s, you know, A WAR and soldiers need to conduct surprise attacks to win. Sadly, Chuck wants to lead a column with the moronic General and we all know that can’t possibly end well.
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Dougal comes to Colum’s room and at first I think they’ll reminisce about the bygone days when they watched cartoons from their bunk beds in Castle Leoch, but instead, Dougal delivers a Shakespearean level speech about his relationship with his brother. I’m familiar with family dysfunction, but these guys take it to a whole new level.  Dougal blathers on and on blaming Colum for all his problems and since Colum knows he can’t shut him up, he swallows Claire’s poison, killing himself rather than having to listening to his brother’s rambling accusations.

Meanwhile Alex dies right after the World’s Saddest Wedding, and Jack Randall, loon that he is, punches the hell out of his brother’s corpse. Why? I don’t know.  When Jamie hears that Claire encouraged the marriage he has a mild conniption, until she reminds him she encouraged Mary to become his widow not his wife.  Claire says if BJR doesn’t die at Culloden, she will help Jamie kill him and his eyes light up.

Meme_ClaireKillBJR
Jamie and Lord Murray lead their column of men through the dark where they’re to attack the English, but Charles and General Doofus O’Sullivan never show up because they lost the signal on their GPS and also they’re morons.  Jamie wants to attack, but the Lord Murray insists they turn back. The exhausted, starving soldiers are then forced to march 12 miles back to their Camp.  Tomorrow, they’ll have to fight at Culloden in a weakened state and unless you were sleeping in history class, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a Spoiler Alert to tell you what happens next.

So, two weeks until the season finale and sadly for me, I’ll be at a family reunion in the middle of Nowheresville Texas without cable or Wifi signal.  Why is God punishing me?!?

The Brilliance of #Outlander, the lack of Bow-Chick-A-Bow-Wow and Why I Love It Just As It Is

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Immediately after watching Outlander, Episode 212, I tweeted how much I loved it, it was fabulous, and expressed my heartfelt love and admiration in as much as 140 measly characters will allow.  Sort of as a jokey aside, I also said I was sure the kvetchers would probably come up with something to dislike, but truthfully I didn’t think they would.

Imagine my surprise when almost immediately, women began listing their complaints about the episode, the top one being there wasn’t any sex between Jamie and Claire.  I jokingly said something about if they want to see sex, they should rent a costume-drama porno. (Note: I actually saw one of those in a hotel once and it was HOT!  That and ‘Naughty Catholic Schoolgirls’ are the sum total of my porn watching, neither one very pornish now that I think about it.)  Then someone else did a ‘twit-longer’ on the subject and all hell seemed to break loose with someone saying I had ridiculed the long-time fans.  Someone else said they feel bad for the partners of women like me if we equate sex with porn.  Normally when something like this happens, I shake my head and ignore it, however…. this time I don’t feel like it.

So here goes.  Although I’m no expert, I know the difference between sex and porn.  Like Jamie and Claire, I’ve been married for a long time, we just celebrated our 30th anniversary.  Maybe the best kept secret of a happy marriage is the wild, burn down the walls, monkey sex, that nobody talks about.  Well, I just did and for once I’m grateful that my children have zero interest in reading my blog!!!  So although I haven’t gone door-to-door with a clipboard, I’m pretty sure nobody needs to feel bad for the partners of other women who love the show as it is.

Yes, Jamie and Claire love each other and make passionate bow-chicka-bow-wow on a regular basis.  In the books, there’s endless time to read about it, grip the book till it bends, drool and re-read.  But in the TV series, there is only so much time to cram in everything that happens in a cohesive manner.  And if I have a choice between watching Jamie and Claire get down with their bad selves while Barry White croons in the background or watching the story play out, I choose the story every time.  If I get a hankering to see Jamie and Claire get it on, I can always watch ‘The Wedding’, the ‘make-up sex with the knife’, the Paris sex, the whatever sex.  I know they adore each other, were made for each other and do IT whenever possible, but I’d rather see the story because there are only 13 episodes to cram it all in, I’ve been visualizing it in my head for 20 years and I want to see it.

This is my first and only Fandom experience and it seems like there is always kvetching about something so I’ll go back to averting my eyes and keeping my mouth shut, but judging from the response that I get when I tweet out my admiration for the series, there are way more people who love the show than have problems with it.  I, for one, can think of no television program that comes close to capturing the hearts of millions of women of a certain age like Outlander does, so I really wish we could all appreciate what we have.  And no, I’m not an obedient Pollyanna zombie who loves everything, but I do know how to recognize a top notch television show when I see one and Outlander is it.

#Outlander, Epi 211 Re-cap: The Duke loses his head, Rupert loses an eye and Claire is Gaidheliterate!

We find via Claire’s posh voice-over, that the Highlanders are camped in Northern England, no other soldiers have joined up #Chickens and they’re awaiting orders from Prince Charles.  Because Claire can’t sit still for five minutes without pestering somebody, she’s pulling teeth from the mouths of innocent citizens as Rupert looks on cringing.

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The fancifully dressed military poobas are urging the clueless Prince to turn back, but he won’t listen because he thinks the voice in his head is God rather than just his inbred ravings.  Jamie is the only one who backs him up and Charlie storms out of their meeting.  Jamie gives Claire the bad news, they won’t take London and change history because the Officers refused.  Jamie tells his men, they’re heading back to Lallybroch for winter.

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That night Claire is sleeping and Jamie is whispering Gaidhlig sweet nothings in her ear and my Grinch heart grows two sizes more.  She wakes and asks what he said, he tells her he can say things to her while she sleeps that he can’t say when she’s awake. Oh my…

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Next morning, Dougal bursts into their room and gives Jamie a note from the Prince telling him to take his men to Inverness and resupply for winter. #Foreshadow  The officers banished Jamie cuz they want him out of the Prince’s posse due to his influence.  The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae, is the Prince also took Jamie’s horse. Meme_ScotFlag
The Highlanders have made camp by a river,  when suddenly they’re under attack by the English.  The MacKenzie-Frasers mount up and gallop off leading the English away from the Highlanders who’re on foot.  Suddenly the English come up behind them and shoot Rupert in the eye and Dougal does a fancy ‘Three Musketeers’ move and jumps to Rupert’s horse saving him.  Jamie yells ‘Bradshaw’ or similar which is Gaidhlig for ‘turn off the road and quietly hide from the English cuz they can’t track us!’ and I need to remember that phrase.

They take refuge in a church and Claire shoves Rupert down on the alter and digs the bullet out of his eye with a knife and I consider keeping a bucket nearby cuz if she’s gonna keep pulling this random shizzle, I’m gonna need a place to puke.  Claire gives Rupert an eye patch and says they’ll get him a peg leg and a parrot to complete his pirate costume, and I’m SO happy that Diana G wrote this episode and added her humorous comments that I bellow Tulach Ard Y’all, do a couple of fist pumps and startle my little dog.

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It’s night time and the church is surrounded by the English, Jamie wants to surrender because of the price on his head, but Claire yells ‘Help’ and pretends to be a captive.  The redcoats fall for it and take Claire and let the rest go free and I’m so glad they didn’t have social media back then because there’s only so many times you can pull that one and get away with it. Due to Claire’s glass face, wee Fergus tells her to faint, that way she won’t have to explain her guilty expression. Meme_BabesMouths
The English arrive in a small town and Claire is spotted by Hugh Munro outside a tavern where they’re to spend the night.  Next morning Claire wakes up and is told she’s being taken to Belmont House to stay with a rich Englishman.  As they leave, she sees Munro and manages to not so subtly relay a message to him. Meme_HughKidding
Turns out the Englishman is the Duke of Sandringham who pretends not to recognize Claire so the English leave her there. They settle in to dinner and the Duke says he’s suffering as he has to make do with only a butler, valet and a 3-day a week cook.  He was once in the Tower of London for being a suspected Jacobite and the house is being watched. Meanwhile, Murtagh and Jamie steal two horses and are galloping in the direction they think they’ll find Claire.  The Duke didn’t reveal Claire’s identity because he too wants to be rescued by Jamie. #GetInLine  It seems the Duke ‘knows a guy.’ Dis guy can get a note past da soldiers if she’s gives her word that he’ll be rescued too.  Meme_AvoidTower
She writes a note in Gaidhlig and Sandy says he’ll have it delivered to Hugh Munro who’ll take it to Jamie.  Just then wee Mary Hawkins comes in.  Seems the Duke is her godfather and she’s staying in the house. He’s found another wealthy, older man to marry her off to and she’s trying to find a way out of it. Claire clutches Mary to her pert bosom which puts the CBCC or Claire Bosom Clutching Count at approximately 30 so far this season.

 

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The Duke sends his guy, galloping off into the night in a sort of Paul Revere/UPS style scenario and he finds Munro and delivers the note.  Claire spots the Duke’s valet’s birthmark and realizes he’s the asshat who raped MaryLe Comte wanted to have Claire killed but Sandy bargained it down to a rape and then Mary got caught in the crossfire.  Oh and by the way, the redcoats are hiding in the woods waiting to capture Jamie, so there’s that to worry about. Munro meets up with Jamie & Murtagh and delivers the note.

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Claire’s locked in her room and Mary opens the door, they’re going to escape together but Mary doesn’t want to sneak down and warn Hugh Munro that Jamie’s walking into a trap because she’s gone all Kardashian for a moment and won’t lower herself to talk to a hoboClaire opens the door hidden behind a giant portrait and my 8 year old self flips out because it’s Batgirl and her Secret Room all over again!  Claire makes it to the kitchen but the damn Duke is down there carb loading.  Mary interrupts them and is ordered back to bed.  Instead, she grows a pair, opens the door and tells Hugh it’s a trap. The damn valet catches her, shuts the door and brings her back to the kitchen.  Meme_GoToBed
Jamie suddenly bursts in, the Duke slams his wig on his head (he must be hawt for Jamie too), the valet jams a knife to Claire’s throat and Jamie drops his knife. Murtagh comes in, Jamie disarms the valet, Claire shouts the valet is the bad guy from Paris, the Duke wants to make nice, the valet gives up the Duke as the one who made him attack Claire and Mary, Jamie punches the valet who lands on the floor.  Mary must have grown a GIANT pair, cuz she picks up the knife and stabs the valet to death.  As if that’s not bad enough, Murtagh goes all Lizzie Borden and chops off the Duke’s head and gives it to Mary. Roll credits, The End!
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Man oh man, they sure packed a lot into this week’s episode and not for nuthin, unless you were vacationing on the moon, you know, Herself, Diana Gabaldon wrote this episode.  I totally LOVED all the humorous little one liners or bon mots, as the Comte would say, that she threw in. Adventure, hilarity, terror and all the good stuff rolled up into one Gabaldonian enchilada.  I know she’s a busy woman, but I hope she can write another episode next year, cuz she is SO good!  See you next week and till then, Tulach Ard Y’all!

#Outlander Re-cap: Red Jamie, Part-Time Hoors, Daddy Issues and Saying Goodbye to some Friends

Jamie is meeting with the generals, some high falutin military officers and Bonnie Prince Fancy Pants who, much to everyone’s dismay, is demonstrating all the leadership skills of Colonel Sanders and Captain CrunchJamie is the voice of reason stating that there’s a field of deep muck they must cross otherwise they’re on a suicide mission.  Charles is so incompetent he wants to try to negotiate a surrender from the British.  I’m pretty sure any minute now, he’ll order them all to join hands and sing ‘We Are The World’. Meme_CharlesPran
Post meeting Charlie says Jamie should tell Claire to take care of the enemy British soldiers FIRST, then the Scottish who are laying down their lives for him.  Jamie points out the ridiculousness of that plan and says his wife wouldn’t do it.  Charles says she would if her ‘lord and master’ told her to proving he knows even less about women than warfare.  He casually puts out his hand to be kissed and I’m gonna start doing that after every transaction including ones at Target and with the kid who mows my lawn.  I’ll let you know how that works out.  Meme_JamieJokingCharles
Rupert, Angus, Murtagh and the rest of the men are getting edgy waiting for the battle to start, and accidentally wake up Papa Bear/Dougal.  Jamie appears and convinces Dougal to cross the swampy marshland to measure the muck and find out if the men can make it across.  Dougal decides to do it cuz he wants to impress Charles so he can sit at his lunch table.  He rides across the open land and the redcoats use him for target practice, a bullet goes through his snazzy golf cap and grazes his little bald heid.  He gallops back and is embraced by Charles thereby assuring his place among the popular kids.Meme_Prestonpans
Nurse Claire gives a pep talk to the ladies who’ll be running the Triage Unit as Fergus runs around knocking stuff over and generally being an adorable nuisance. Speaking of the wee lad, he brings in a young man whose father owns the land they’re on and he knows a shortcut around the swamp. If the Highlanders take that path, they can surprise the British.  The General’s not sure if they should trust him, but Jamie uses his Spidey Senses and gives him two thumbs up.

The Highlanders have gathered round the campfires and they’re spit swearing and promising to take care of each others’ families and/or give their belongings to their friends if they should die in battle.  Angus tells Rupert he can have his sword, dirk, sporran, and Scarlet his part-time hoor.  Rupert calls him a daft bastard and points out you can’t give away a woman, which is a relief to hear cuz you never know back then.  Jamie comes upon Murtagh who’s obsessively sharpening his blade.  Murtagh is philosophizing about whether their part in the battle will have meaning and he thinks it won’t.  Jamie is down on himself for failing to stop the battle and Murtagh says they both failed.  Murtagh keeps sharpening his sword and spits on it.  I didn’t realize until now how integral spitting is to battle but then I’ve never been in the military.  Meme_Warfare
Jamie goes to the Field Hospital and tells Claire to get some sleep which is wishful thinking.  Fergus interrupts smoochie time and again pleads his case to be able to go into battle.  Jamie explains he must stay behind to take care of the women.  Murtagh, Rupert and Angus come in to say goodbye and Angus guilts Claire into giving him a sympathy kiss. Murtagh tells her he will watch over Jamie and they will win the day.  Jamie gives Claire the sweetest kiss goodbye, bows to her and leaves.
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As the men are lead through the swamp path, we discover Fergus has disobeyed and followed the men into battle.  They’ve arrived at their destination and Prince Charles  argues, rather too loudly for my comfort, that he wants to go into battle with them. What the hell’s he gonna do, hit them with the flowers on his hat cuz I think his sword is for ‘decorative purposes only’ and not ‘microwave safe’ either now that I think about it. Jamie points out that Charles’ father would be disappointed if he died but Charles counters that they’re not close and his dad might not love him.  This might not be the right time for this discussion, Chuck.Meme_DaddyIssues
Back in the tent, the women are getting ready and can hear the battle has begun.  On the field there’s blood, guts and gore.  British patients are brought into the Field Hospital (that part is SUPER strange to me cuz five minutes earlier they’re killing each other, but whatever) Angus carries in his BFF Rupert who has a giant slice in his side and my heart starts breaking cuz I’ve read the book. During all their Wayne’s World style shenanigans, they’ve formed a strong bond and really do love each other. Jamie comes into the hospital all riled up and kisses Claire. Fergus shows up in shock and tells Claire he killed an English soldier.  Dougal is still at the battlefield, shoving his sword into bodies assuring himself they’re dead.   He encounters Lt. Jeremy Foster, the handsome, moral and all around stand-up British solder who explains that the British are the superior army and will never be defeated so, naturally Dougal murders him.  Meme_DougalSux
At the hospital Claire sees a horse shoe print on the back of Jamie’s shirt and makes him pee in a jar so she can check for blood. Jamie’s literally having a pissing contest with an English soldier when he’s interrupted by the clueless Prince who brings him ‘the blessings of my father’.  How? Does he have a cell phone?  He is a politician though and gives a rousing speech as he tries to unite the English and Scots when Dougal storms in and begins Angloshaming the British soldiers.  This annoys the Prince so much he bans him from the army, but Jamie comes up with a plan to keep him on the muster roles by promoting him to Captain of Highlander Dragoons.  That way he can use his abilities and get rid of him.  Dougal says Jamie’s plan is worthy of his brother Colum which is a backhanded compliment if I’ve ever heard one.

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Angus appears to be sleeping, sitting up but instead he’s been bleeding internally and dies a horrible death surrounded by his friends.  Rupert heaves himself up from his hospital bed and wobbles to Angus’s side, takes his sword, wobbles back to his bed and cradles it in his arms. All this time, we thought Rupert would be the one to die and I’m totally shocked. I don’t want either of them to go as I love their friendship and hilarious shenanigans.

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Later that night, the men are drunk and celebrating their victory when Rupert and Ross (who lost his best friend, Kincaid) stagger drunkenly out of the tent singing the very depressing ‘Down Among The Dead Men.’  

Next week isn’t gonna be a fancy garden party either and although I look forward to each and every episode, I don’t want what’s going to happen to actually happen.