Updated! #Outlander, Episode 3, ‘Doubting Thomas’s Cure’

This week we rejoin our #Outlander friends as Claire is channeling Greer Garson in ‘Mrs. Miniver’ and wishes Frank a sad farewell at the train station because she’s a modern woman and heading to the front lines in WWII.  I’m trying really hard to care about Frank cuz he’s important to the story, but I can’t and I feel guilty about that.

We’re back in the 1700’s where Mrs. Fitz  is helping administer the Ice Bucket Challenge to Claire

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who decides to tells Mrs. F she is a time traveler and Mrs. F goes all Salem Witch Trial and slaps Claire across the face.  But wait…we’ve been Bobby Ewinged and it’s only a day dream!  Mrs. F tells Claire that there’s a big ‘to do’ tonight, and Claire needs to impress Colum and Dougal with her healing skills so they’ll LIKE her and let her go to the BallClaire heeds her advice and trots on over to her Minor Emergency Dungeon and begins to look through the nasty RX supplies which contain disgusting live beetles, eye of newt and rusty saws with her bodyguard Angus nearly dying of boredom.

Claire‘s in the kitchen and Mrs. McNeil, the chamber maid, breaks a dish and Mrs. Fitz who is also ‘Director of Human Resources’, tells her to go home since, you know….her son died yesterday.  Why is she at work?!  Surely, ‘death of child’ gets you an automatic ‘personal day’. Turns out young Lindsey McNeil went to the Benedictine Monestary ruins and the ‘demons’ attacked and killed him.  Mkaaaay.   Enter Mrs. F’s nephew, Thomas who was young Lindsey McNeil’s BFF who says Colum wants to see Claire pronto.

She arrives in Colum’s room as he’s being fitted for a coat by the finest tailor in all of Lancelot who sadly took it upon himself to make a maxi coat to cover Colum’s shrively little legs.  Colum is a wee bit sensitive and threatens to kill him.  Colum takes off his pants and asks Claire to massage his legs, she says it will feel better if she does the base of his spine so he flips up his shirt.  He has a lovely arse, but truthfully it’s not the one we’re here to see.

Colum is feeling better so he invites her to the Hall/Dinner Thing and when Claire arrives, she finds a seat near Laoghaire.  Leery then spots Jamie and begins ‘frothing at the mouth’.  Claire who’s possibly a recruiter for Match. com smooshes over so he can sit between herself and Laoghaire and repeatedly tries to set them up.  Sadly, for Leghair, he’s just not that into her.  Jamie notices Claire is getting plastered, so as a pretense to get her safely back to her room, he asks her to check his wound.  Back in her dungeon, Claire undoes his shirt to examine his shoulder, their eyes meet and flames shoot out due to their unspoken feelz.  But Claire gives him the ‘All Systems Are NOT Go’ look and Jamie, gentleman that he is, skedaddles back to the stables and possibly to his favorite sheep.

Next day Claire and Geillis are berry picking for their healing potions when Geillis mentions that btw, Father Bain is going to perform an exorcism on Mrs. F’s nephew ThomasClaire, who can never mind her beeswax, heads off to Thomas’s hovel to check things out. She diagnoses food poisoning, not demonic possession, but can’t convince Mrs. F that she can help and instead allows Father BainOfOurExistence to go all Rosemary’s Baby on poor Thomas.

Dopy is still on her heels as they reach the castle kitchen and barks at her to Sit. Stay.  Even Claire needs a break from time to time, so she sits down for a moment’s peace but her timing is off because there’s Leeery and Jamie swapping major spit in the alcove.  #WhoCanBlameHer That night in the ‘cafeteria’, Claire teases Jamie about making out with ‘TheTownHo’ and he’s not happy and squishes her little toes with his boot under the table. She kicks him and he spills his drink on Murtagh and leaves. Murtagh/Dr. Phil tells Claire to chill because if anyone gets wind of their extracurriculars, Jamie will have to marry the little ho and even Claire can see that would not be a good idea.

Claire sits outside and cries because seeing Jamie with the ho, made her miss FrankDougal sees her and tells her he’s going to visit Geillis the next day and would she like a field trip?   Next day Claire visits Geillis in her creepy attic lair.  Geillis looks gorgeous and is wearing a grey fur vest she probably made from the hides of small animals she strangled.  Noise outside and Father Bain is dragging a boy to Geillis’s husband, the flatulent Fiscal, Arthur Duncan to be sentenced for stealing some medieval Twinkies and Father B wants the boy’s hand chopped off.

#FatherBainIsOnMyLastNerve  Arthur Duncan/Phil Spector, comes in with a nasty case of gas that makes me grateful I’m NOT watching Smellevision. Geillis convinces him not to chop the boys hand off so he decides to nail his ear to the pillory instead. Satisfied with herself, she leans back and puts her feet up and she’s wearing RED SHOES like the wicked witch of the west!  I pause my DVR and begin shopping for red boots on line.

Knock knock.  Who’s There?  It’s Jamie and he’s been sent to bring Claire home.  At the sight of Jamie, Geillis begins fingering the front of her furry vest and licking her lips.  Vegas odds for Jamie on Geillis action?  A zillion to none.  J and C share some Jedi Mind Communication and she’s all ‘get me out of here’ and he’s all ‘okay!’  Claire talks Jamie into pulling the boy free from the pillory and then she talks him into going up to the Black Kirk where the boys got sick. Seems like she can talk him into a lot of stuff.  He says going to the kirk is a way of proving your manhood and also takes this time to recite his educational resume for viewers who haven’t read the book.  Claire realizes the boys ate toxic Lily of the Valley leaves and takes off leaving Jamie in her wake.  Repeat after me:  ‘Men like strong, self-assured women.’  Say it TEN TIMES!

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Back at Thomas‘ house, creepy Father Bain is all bubble, bubble, toil and trouble when Claire storms in and says she can cure ThomasFather B says he’s in charge because ‘women are dumb and don’t have penises’ #ImParaphrasing and Mrs. Fitz has finally had enough and tells him to back the hell off. Claire gives Thomas medicine and saves his life.  Father Bain is angry and says he smells the vapors of hell on her.  I make a quick note to say that, the next time someone cuts me off in the check-out line at Target.

That night Claire (with extreme Claire hair!) decides to go to the Hall not to socialize, but for the booze cuz that’s healthy!  Jamie drags her over to sit with him, and voila he has a fault.  Jamie is a ‘movie talker’!  I’m surprised he’s not texting!   He then translates the story of a woman who traveled through the stones, and then traveled back to her own time. There’s a convenient flashback of Claire time traveling for audience members who missed the first two episodes.  Claire hears this and finally cheers up and decides, ‘I will escape or die trying!!’  What will happen next week?  How should I know?  And, why am I asking so many questions? Should I stop?  Okay, see you next week, same Bat time, same Bat Channel.

The Numbness Is Wearing Off and I’m Asking Why America? Why? Why? Why?

1) The numbness is wearing off and I’m looking around at what’s left of America.
2) Was it always this racist?
3) How did I miss that?
4) Why did I spend so much time befriending Republicans?
5) Because I live in Texas and that’s mostly all there was.
6) My Republican friends are some of the kindest people in the world and they voted for this.
7) I love them, but may never talk to them again. So sue me.
8) Trump loves to sue people.
9) Don’t sue me, I need to save my money.
10) I don’t have much money.
11) We’re nearing retirement, but the first crash took all our money.
12) My husband lost his job and we had to cash out the rest.
13) He’s in his 60’s and will work forever.
14) We were counting on Social Security that we’ve paid into for a combined 80 years.
15) Social Security will vaporize.
16) I’m so worried for my children.
17) I’m so worried for my grandchildren.
18) Will I even have grandchildren?
19) Will there even be a planet?
20) Because Trump has the nukes.
21) God help us. Trump. Has. The. Nukes.
22) Speaking of God…
23) Where do I go to church?
24) My church is filled with Trump supporters.
25) They are the nicest people in the world.
26) I’m NOT kidding.
27) Did they not read the fine print?
28) I still love them.
29) I don’t respect them.
30) I’m grieving about that.
31) TRULY. Grieving. About That.
32) I taught Sunday school for 15 years.
33) I have nowhere to go.
34) I have NOWHERE to go.
35) Why ‘christians’ why?
36) I can’t stop sobbing about this.
37) It’s the worst betrayal.
38) Would black people welcome me in their church?
39) Why should black people welcome me in their church?
40) I wouldn’t welcome me in their church.
41) Do we need secret handshakes?
42) I’m not kidding.
43) LIBERAL white people need a signal to show that we’re a safe place.
44) Not ALL white people.
45) Just SOME white people.
46) I’m terrified for African Americans.
47) I’m terrified for Muslims.
48) I’m terrified for the disabled.
49) I’m terrified for LBGQT.
50) I’m terrified for women.
51) I’m a victim of sexual assault/sexual harassment in the workplace.
52) I reported it.
53) I was threatened with job loss.
54) I shut up because I needed work.
55) What about health care?
56) What about pre-existing conditions?
57) I have pre-existing conditions.
58) I am so screwed.
59) What about my gay friends who’ve been with their spouses for 30 years?
60) Are their marriages invalidated?
61) Invalidated is a long word.
62) Why do Trumpers hate long words?
63) Why are their SM rants filled with spelling errors?
64) Why are their SM rants filled with punctuation errors?
65) Why are they so angry?
66) Trump Whites have it ALL.
67) Trump Whites HAD it all.
68) Trump Whites are getting ready to lose it all.
69) Why? Why? Why?
70) I’m afraid to publish this
71) I’m afraid to publish this in America.
72) America!
73) I’m a middle-aged, white lady in America and I’m afraid.
74) I’m afraid. I’m afraid. I’m afraid.
75) God. Help. Us. All.

PS  A message to the Trump supporters: Your misspelled, poorly punctuated hate is being laughed at and deleted. You’ve just proven numbers 63, 64 & 65.

104 #Sam Heughan Thoughts featuring Davie Hollywood, Driver Extraordinaire; My Daughter, Grace & Carly Brown, the Scottish National Poetry Slam Champ.

A zillion years ago, I wrote a blog called ‘My Top 10 Thoughts When I See Sam Heughan.’ (I’ll put the link at the end.) I thought it was time to update my thoughts. This time it’s more than 10. It’s 104. Geez

1.  What a fine young man.
2.  Who uses that expression?
3.  My dead Aunt Ruth, that’s who.
4.  I’m as old as her when I thought she was really old.
5.  She used a cane.
6.  What was I talking about?
7.  Oh yes, that fine young man, Sammy Heughan.
8.  I probably shouldn’t call him Sammy.
9.  He seems to have lovely manners and that doesn’t happen by accident.
10. His mom must be so proud.
11. My Aunt Ruth would pinch his cheeks.
12. The other cheeks.  The ones on his face.
13. You all have dirty minds.
14. When he’s in character he is SO flippin hot.
15. He must exercise all the time.
16. I should’ve kept up with my fitness regime after I had kids.
17. But I didn’t.
18. I did My Peak Challenge.
19. I did it quietly.
20. I don’t do anything quietly.
21. This time I did.
22. I lost 40 pounds.
23. How the F did I do that?
24. I’m proud of myself.
25. I’m proud of all the My Peak Challenge Ladies
26. It would’ve been cool if Sam had married my daughter.
27. But she’s in love with someone else and she’s never met Sam.
28. She lives in Utah.
29. Utah is too far away.
30. Sometimes I miss her so much I think I’ll go nuts.
31. If she married Sam, they would’ve had bagpipes at their wedding.
32. If she marries Red Jake, I’ll beg her to have bagpipes, but she’s not engaged.
33. I wonder if Red Jake is Scottish.
34. He’s a ginger after all.
35. Maybe I’ll get them DNA testing for Christmas.
36. I wonder how much time Sam gets off for Christmas.
37. Probably a month.
38. He has a grueling schedule.
39. Thank God he has Davie Hollywood to drive him everywhere.
40. I wonder if Sam sleeps in the car on the way to work.
41. I wonder if Davie puts a blankie on him and tucks a teddy bear next to his face?
42. Probably not.
43. He probably just lets him sleep.
44. When they get to work, I wonder if Davie slaps him in the face or just gently wakes him up?
45. I’m going with ‘gently wakes him up.’
46. It would be funny if Sam had to punch a time clock.
47.  Like the ones in factories in WW II where they built airplanes.
48.  I’m sure he doesn’t.
49.  That would be funny though.
50.  I would’nt want to sit still for four hours while someone put scar make-up on my back.
51.  I wonder if he practices his lines while they’re doing that.
52. I can hardly sit still to have my hair cut.
53. He has so much patience.
54. How does he memorize all those lines?
55. I read that some old-timey actors wrote dialogue on their hands.
56. When I was in the play Bye Bye Birdie, I left weird notes on the set so my co-star would find them mid-performance.
57. He stayed in character.
58. But his eyes were laughing.
59. I bet Sam misses theatre.
60. All actors miss theatre.
61. It’s terrifying and wonderful.
62. Like my honeymoon.
63. Just kidding.
64. I like to use that reference.
65. I slept through my honeymoon.
66. I was tired.
67. I drank too much at my wedding.
68. And didn’t eat.
69. I wonder what Sam eats?
70. Probably protein bars.
71. I bet he unwraps them first.
72. He’s very manly.
73. I bet he could digest paper.
74. But who’d want to do that?
75. Why does my mind wander so much?
76. I bet it’s cuz I’m a Gemini.
77. Not because I’m old.
78. Let’s go with that.
79. Sam’s not old.
80. Sam is hot.
81. It always comes back to that.
82. He’s a brilliant actor.
83. I hope he gets an Emmy some day.
84. I wonder if he’s being judged by his looks?
85. Women are judged by their looks.
86. It sucks.
87. He really is a brilliant actor.
88. He doesn’t miss a trick.
89. He and Cait have wonderful chemistry as Jamie and Claire.
90. I hated Chemistry class.
91. I hated ALL science classes.
92. In Europe you don’t have to study science if you’re an English major.
93. I know that cuz Texan, Carly Brown went to St. Andrews and she told me.
94. She’s the 2013 Scottish National Poetry Slam Champion. She’s getting her Ph.D. in Glasgow.
95. I wrote a blog about her.
96. She makes me proud.
97. She was an alarmingly alert baby.
98. Sam and his buddies should go see her perform in Glasgow.
99. Her poetry is hilarious. And socially relevant.
100. He’d laugh his ass off.
101. I’ve seen his ass.
102. I should exercise more.
103. I already said that.
104. Sam’s a fine young man…

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Sam Heughan, (Being Adorable) Great North Run

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Grace & Red Jake being weird.

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Davie Hollywood Being a Trusty Side-Kick in his Groovy Car

https://melissasobservations.com/2014/09/30/top-10-thoughts-when-i-see-sam-heughan/

 

What happens when my 29-year old son watches #Outlander episode ‘The Watch’ and acts like a wee loon.

 

My son’s work hours are weird cuz he works in TV news.  So he randomly had a rainy day off in the middle of the week and I was home so he says, ‘Let’s watch another episode of Outlander.  But I’m not gonna be funny, I just want to watch this time.’  Me: ‘Okay that sounds good.’  **Runs and gets a notebook.  Hides it by my side.**

The theme music starts and the melodious tones of Raya Yarbrough echo through the living room….’Billow and breeze, island and sees.’ 

Jake chimes in ‘Bilbo and brie, I like good cheese…’

Credits play.

Jake:  ‘Wow, that’s an expensive transition!  Lens flare!’

Jake:  (Reads all the credits with a weird Scottish accent, until I started laughing.)  ‘What?  Am I good at it?’

Me:  ’NO!’

Jake:  ‘Oh, look.’  They’re having sex again.

Jake in high cockney accent:  ‘Blimey!  Don’t touch the rock!’

McQuarrie holds a gun to Jamie’s head.

Jake:  He’s gotta use his Scottish kung-fu moves.  He could totally get outta that.  I learned that move in 4th grade karate.

McQuarrie puts the gun down and talks to Ian and Jenny.

Jake:  ‘Really?  All that tensions and it’s all LOL, JK.  If this was Game of Thrones, they’d put the gun straight up his ass and set it on fire.’

Me:  ‘I’m so glad it’s not Game of Thrones.’

Jake: I thought his last name was Frasier, not McTavish.  Sings Frasier theme song: ‘Tossed salad and scrambled eggs.’

Sees McQuarrie’s clan pin.

Jake: ‘Is that like a merit badge?’  ‘I bet it’s for woodcarving. They made their own furniture back then.’ Laughs.

Jake:  (Looks at me) ‘I bet you like this show cuz of the sets and costumes.  You like that stuff.’

Robbie McNabb enters scene.

Jake:  “Should I assume that kid will get his ear hammered on that thing?’

The ‘Watch’ are knocking things over and set a hay wagon on fire.

Jake:  ‘Are those guys gonna cause ‘havoc?’  Good word, right?’  Laughs.

A dog barks:

Jake:  ‘The original Lassie is totally dead by the way.’

Horrocks enters.

Jake:  ‘Is that guy Seamus or is he a pirate?’

Wee Jamie splashes Claire.

Jake:  ‘Oh crap, is that kid gonna get his ear nailed?’  ‘I’m glad that wasn’t my punishment when I was little.’

Jenny grabs her stomach and moans.

Jake: ‘Is that lady gonna have her baby?  Oh, her water broke!  Called it!’

Jenny’s labor continues….

Jake:  ‘Why hasn’t she had the baby yet?  Can she just resquirt water up there?  How does that whole thing work?’

Jake (about Jenny)  ‘That actress is hot.  I’ll give her a real baby.’

Me:  ‘She’s pregnant in real life.’

Jake:  ‘Does she have a sister?’

Jamie and Ian are talking.

Jake:  ‘That guy’s leg looks like a bicycle pump.  Is he a pirate?’

Ian to Jamie:  ‘What will you do about Horrocks?’

Jake shouts:  ‘Kill em dog!’ ‘Roll up on em gangsta style!’

Claire in the bedroom talking to Jamie:  ‘It’s me that’s let you down. I can’t have children.’

Jake:  ‘It coulda been that other husband.  He’s already a huge pussy. This would just be one more nail in the coffin.’

Jamie’s waiting outside for Horrocks.

Jake in a deep voice:  “Hey man, you got da stuff?’  Dude!  Blast him with your street justice?  No wait….is it gonna be Claire?  Why would he sneak out to meet Claire?’  No!  It’s the pirate!’

And then he stopped talking and kept watching.  When we watch Outlander together, I never know how much he’s going to say and how long it’ll last, but I always know he’s good for a few laughs.  Until next time folks!

Lord John Grey Announced! Heughan, Dresbach & Steele Respond! I like exclamation points!!!

Outlander Starz today announced the casting of Australian actor David Berry as Lord John Grey causing formerly dead ovaries to re-launch and breasts to move to the auto lactate zone in a phenomenon reported by the AMA and other Medical Associations around the world.  NASA is also looking into possible connections with tidal flow interference along with planet rotational hijinks although that’s just a ‘working theory’ according to their spokesperson.

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Sam Heughan who’s hard at work shooting Season 3 of Outlander was reached on set and bellowed, ‘Jesus H Roosevelt Christ’, this new guy’s right hunky and God willing can finally take the heat off me. ‘Somebody find Davie Hollywood and tell him to skedaddle out for a $hit TON of donuts, give some to the cast and crew and save SEVEN boxes for me! Also, cancel my morning work-out cuz the big guy’s sleeping in!’  Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.44.12 PM

Costume Designer, Terry Dresbach announced a contingency plan which involves placing expandable fabric inserts into Heughan’s costumes to allow for ‘celebratory girth’ and Production Designer, Jon Gary Steele (who never seems to use his first name but continues to hang onto it for some reason) immediately ordered carpenters to widen doors on the sets and said, ‘we plan for these types of things, so no need for panic!’ although his voice rose sharply at the end of the sentence so it’s anyone’s guess what that’ll do to budgets.

Here’s a paparazzi snap from behind the scenes of Heughan taken this week. It looks like someone pulled a ripcord on an inflatable raft!!!

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But now back to a few actual truths vs. the drivel I’ve been pawning off in the previous 4 paragraphs.  David Berry, a hunkalicious Australian, IS the actor now known as Lord John Grey and according to his IMDB page, he was a singer and violinist in his early years (Holy crap, me too. For realzies!!) .  He later studied at the NIDA (National Institute of Dramatic Arts) and graduated in 2010 where it looks like he immediately booked lots of gigs due to his acting skill, experience and the aforementioned hunkiness.  You can check out his page here: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4885081/Screen Shot 2016-08-29 at 1.54.38 PM

Them’s slim pickins kids, but that’s all we know right now except that with a tiny bit of on-line digging, I’m sure we can find lonely lasses whining that he’s not blond enough, doesn’t have an ‘aquiline nose’ or other such yammerings.  But as for myself and the other 99% sane Outlander viewers, there’s nothing but happiness, rainbows and smooth sailing ahead with today’s announcement.

Note:  The first four paragraphs are humor or ‘parody’ as it’s sometimes known.  No harm is meant or implied.  Void where prohibited.  If you have an erection that lasts more than three hours, please contact your doctor or the Guinness Book of World Records. Namaste.

 

 

#Outlander, Epi 212 Re-cap: Why is Jamie so sexy even covered in filth? Who will marry Mary? Why is Charles In Charge? Inquiring minds want to know.

The Highlanders drag their sorry arses into the encampment outside of Inverness.  They haven’t eaten, slept or bathed much in weeks and as Claire says, ‘their worst nightmare was coming true.’  Rupert is in a foul mood and still missing Angus although he’s now hanging out with NotKincaid, his new BFF, a handsome, sweet guy with front teeth.  Jamie immediately sends Dougal out on patrol to locate the British, he sends Murtagh out to locate the Prince and I wish he had time to locate something of Claire’s, but there’s so much we still need to cover from the book, so that’s not to be.  Murtagh chimes in and updates us they’re a few miles from Culloden and the battle will be in 3 days. Jamie tries to be optimistic and prop up Claire, but she’s down in the dumps and why shouldn’t she be?  There’s a good chance in a couple of days, she’s going to have to leave the hottest guy God ever created and spend the next twenty years with boring, boring Frank, I’d be sad too. Before she gets any rest, she hightails it into town to refill her medical supplies.Meme_DoWeDoIt
At the Inverness Walgreens, Claire stumbles upon Mary Hawkins who’s now speaking with a PBS/Masterpiece Theatre accent and loading up on drugs for Alex.  She’s a wee bit cold to Claire since she learned of her plot to put the kibosh on their relationship.  Claire apologizes and offers to come help Alex.

The Generals, Jamie, various military officers in shiny uniforms and the frickin, clueless Prince are meeting to discuss strategy. Jamie’s a broken record trying to explain why their plans won’t work and even tries to appeal to the Prince’s intellect.  I long to tell him this won’t work because the Prince is a twit, but Jamie can’t hear me since apparently this is a TV show!  Clueless Charlie decides to take a stand and does it while proclaiming his manliness and Me thinks he doth protest too much.
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Claire goes to see Alex who is looking very ‘Randall-ish’ and it’s obvious even to those of us who received our MD by watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman that Alex will not recover.  Despite knowing she tried to break them up, he’s still so sweet and polite to Claire‘Johnny Randall’, arrives to check on his brother and Claire tries to hightail it and Mary stops her to say BJR has been paying all their bills. Claire tells Mary that Alex won’t be going back to work like…ever.  Mary says she’s preggo and the Randall brothers both know. Claire skedaddles outside with BJR fast on her heels, he asks her to help his brother and she quickly says alrighty, but only if he tells her the location of Cumberland’s army.  He’s indignant but Claire’s got him between a rock and a hard place, so to speak.
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Claire has to tell Jamie that Randall’s in town so Jamie flips over some furniture, as one does, until he realizes the info is useful to him and their cause.  Suddenly Colum MacKenzie arrives and let’s just say he’s not going to have to worry about buying Christmas gifts this year.  He gives his condolences to Rupert for the loss of his domestic partner Angus then commands they bring Jamie and Dougal to him.  Meme_CollumsBaaack
Claire examines Colum with Jamie by her side and gives him the inevitable bad news about his health.  He asks to speak to Claire alone and admits he was wrong about Jamie and Claire’s marriage, he thinks they’re a good match.  After he’s softened her up, he then asks her to put him out of his misery like Jack Kervorkian and she says she’ll do it. He also tells her that Geillis Duncan was kept alive long enough to give birth to a son who was placed with a childless couple,  William and Sarah MacKenzie. #Foreshadow
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Claire visits puir dying Alex Randall, sets up a portable Hookah Lounge and shoots him a combo of primo Thornapple with a half cup of ground Lucky Charms cereal for good measure and suddenly he can breathe.  Alex asks evil Black Jack to marry Mary and give her the Randall name but nobody is merry about him marrying Mary, least of all Mary. Alex, bless his heart, thinks Johnny Be Goode, but since his good side is an urban myth, BJR says no.
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Sweet, darling Murtagh volunteers to marry Mary and I’d give a lot to see Murtagh’s bushy eyebrows wiggling over Modern Bride Magazine while choosing china patterns and wedding venues, but alas it’s not to be.  Claire goes to see sicko BJR who’s getting plastered in a local bar.  Man’s a complete A-hole, but he’s not lacking in intelligence and he speaks like a poet, damn his soul.  BJR returns to the Inn and he and Mary complete their unholy union under the watchful eye of dying Alex and it’s so sad!

Colum meets with Jamie and Dougal and says he wants Jamie to be his son Hamish’s guardian and lead the clan until his son’s of age.  Jamie meets with the Generals and suggests a surprise attack during Butcher Billy’s Birthday Bash and clueless Chuck thinks it’s ungentlemanly but he’s finally convinced that’s it’s, you know, A WAR and soldiers need to conduct surprise attacks to win. Sadly, Chuck wants to lead a column with the moronic General and we all know that can’t possibly end well.
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Dougal comes to Colum’s room and at first I think they’ll reminisce about the bygone days when they watched cartoons from their bunk beds in Castle Leoch, but instead, Dougal delivers a Shakespearean level speech about his relationship with his brother. I’m familiar with family dysfunction, but these guys take it to a whole new level.  Dougal blathers on and on blaming Colum for all his problems and since Colum knows he can’t shut him up, he swallows Claire’s poison, killing himself rather than having to listening to his brother’s rambling accusations.

Meanwhile Alex dies right after the World’s Saddest Wedding, and Jack Randall, loon that he is, punches the hell out of his brother’s corpse. Why? I don’t know.  When Jamie hears that Claire encouraged the marriage he has a mild conniption, until she reminds him she encouraged Mary to become his widow not his wife.  Claire says if BJR doesn’t die at Culloden, she will help Jamie kill him and his eyes light up.

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Jamie and Lord Murray lead their column of men through the dark where they’re to attack the English, but Charles and General Doofus O’Sullivan never show up because they lost the signal on their GPS and also they’re morons.  Jamie wants to attack, but the Lord Murray insists they turn back. The exhausted, starving soldiers are then forced to march 12 miles back to their Camp.  Tomorrow, they’ll have to fight at Culloden in a weakened state and unless you were sleeping in history class, I’m pretty sure you don’t need a Spoiler Alert to tell you what happens next.

So, two weeks until the season finale and sadly for me, I’ll be at a family reunion in the middle of Nowheresville Texas without cable or Wifi signal.  Why is God punishing me?!?

The Brilliance of #Outlander, the lack of Bow-Chick-A-Bow-Wow and Why I Love It Just As It Is

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Immediately after watching Outlander, Episode 212, I tweeted how much I loved it, it was fabulous, and expressed my heartfelt love and admiration in as much as 140 measly characters will allow.  Sort of as a jokey aside, I also said I was sure the kvetchers would probably come up with something to dislike, but truthfully I didn’t think they would.

Imagine my surprise when almost immediately, women began listing their complaints about the episode, the top one being there wasn’t any sex between Jamie and Claire.  I jokingly said something about if they want to see sex, they should rent a costume-drama porno. (Note: I actually saw one of those in a hotel once and it was HOT!  That and ‘Naughty Catholic Schoolgirls’ are the sum total of my porn watching, neither one very pornish now that I think about it.)  Then someone else did a ‘twit-longer’ on the subject and all hell seemed to break loose with someone saying I had ridiculed the long-time fans.  Someone else said they feel bad for the partners of women like me if we equate sex with porn.  Normally when something like this happens, I shake my head and ignore it, however…. this time I don’t feel like it.

So here goes.  Although I’m no expert, I know the difference between sex and porn.  Like Jamie and Claire, I’ve been married for a long time, we just celebrated our 30th anniversary.  Maybe the best kept secret of a happy marriage is the wild, burn down the walls, monkey sex, that nobody talks about.  Well, I just did and for once I’m grateful that my children have zero interest in reading my blog!!!  So although I haven’t gone door-to-door with a clipboard, I’m pretty sure nobody needs to feel bad for the partners of other women who love the show as it is.

Yes, Jamie and Claire love each other and make passionate bow-chicka-bow-wow on a regular basis.  In the books, there’s endless time to read about it, grip the book till it bends, drool and re-read.  But in the TV series, there is only so much time to cram in everything that happens in a cohesive manner.  And if I have a choice between watching Jamie and Claire get down with their bad selves while Barry White croons in the background or watching the story play out, I choose the story every time.  If I get a hankering to see Jamie and Claire get it on, I can always watch ‘The Wedding’, the ‘make-up sex with the knife’, the Paris sex, the whatever sex.  I know they adore each other, were made for each other and do IT whenever possible, but I’d rather see the story because there are only 13 episodes to cram it all in, I’ve been visualizing it in my head for 20 years and I want to see it.

This is my first and only Fandom experience and it seems like there is always kvetching about something so I’ll go back to averting my eyes and keeping my mouth shut, but judging from the response that I get when I tweet out my admiration for the series, there are way more people who love the show than have problems with it.  I, for one, can think of no television program that comes close to capturing the hearts of millions of women of a certain age like Outlander does, so I really wish we could all appreciate what we have.  And no, I’m not an obedient Pollyanna zombie who loves everything, but I do know how to recognize a top notch television show when I see one and Outlander is it.

#Outlander, Epi 211 Re-cap: The Duke loses his head, Rupert loses an eye and Claire is Gaidheliterate!

We find via Claire’s posh voice-over, that the Highlanders are camped in Northern England, no other soldiers have joined up #Chickens and they’re awaiting orders from Prince Charles.  Because Claire can’t sit still for five minutes without pestering somebody, she’s pulling teeth from the mouths of innocent citizens as Rupert looks on cringing.

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The fancifully dressed military poobas are urging the clueless Prince to turn back, but he won’t listen because he thinks the voice in his head is God rather than just his inbred ravings.  Jamie is the only one who backs him up and Charlie storms out of their meeting.  Jamie gives Claire the bad news, they won’t take London and change history because the Officers refused.  Jamie tells his men, they’re heading back to Lallybroch for winter.

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That night Claire is sleeping and Jamie is whispering Gaidhlig sweet nothings in her ear and my Grinch heart grows two sizes more.  She wakes and asks what he said, he tells her he can say things to her while she sleeps that he can’t say when she’s awake. Oh my…

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Next morning, Dougal bursts into their room and gives Jamie a note from the Prince telling him to take his men to Inverness and resupply for winter. #Foreshadow  The officers banished Jamie cuz they want him out of the Prince’s posse due to his influence.  The cherry on top of this ice cream sundae, is the Prince also took Jamie’s horse. Meme_ScotFlag
The Highlanders have made camp by a river,  when suddenly they’re under attack by the English.  The MacKenzie-Frasers mount up and gallop off leading the English away from the Highlanders who’re on foot.  Suddenly the English come up behind them and shoot Rupert in the eye and Dougal does a fancy ‘Three Musketeers’ move and jumps to Rupert’s horse saving him.  Jamie yells ‘Bradshaw’ or similar which is Gaidhlig for ‘turn off the road and quietly hide from the English cuz they can’t track us!’ and I need to remember that phrase.

They take refuge in a church and Claire shoves Rupert down on the alter and digs the bullet out of his eye with a knife and I consider keeping a bucket nearby cuz if she’s gonna keep pulling this random shizzle, I’m gonna need a place to puke.  Claire gives Rupert an eye patch and says they’ll get him a peg leg and a parrot to complete his pirate costume, and I’m SO happy that Diana G wrote this episode and added her humorous comments that I bellow Tulach Ard Y’all, do a couple of fist pumps and startle my little dog.

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It’s night time and the church is surrounded by the English, Jamie wants to surrender because of the price on his head, but Claire yells ‘Help’ and pretends to be a captive.  The redcoats fall for it and take Claire and let the rest go free and I’m so glad they didn’t have social media back then because there’s only so many times you can pull that one and get away with it. Due to Claire’s glass face, wee Fergus tells her to faint, that way she won’t have to explain her guilty expression. Meme_BabesMouths
The English arrive in a small town and Claire is spotted by Hugh Munro outside a tavern where they’re to spend the night.  Next morning Claire wakes up and is told she’s being taken to Belmont House to stay with a rich Englishman.  As they leave, she sees Munro and manages to not so subtly relay a message to him. Meme_HughKidding
Turns out the Englishman is the Duke of Sandringham who pretends not to recognize Claire so the English leave her there. They settle in to dinner and the Duke says he’s suffering as he has to make do with only a butler, valet and a 3-day a week cook.  He was once in the Tower of London for being a suspected Jacobite and the house is being watched. Meanwhile, Murtagh and Jamie steal two horses and are galloping in the direction they think they’ll find Claire.  The Duke didn’t reveal Claire’s identity because he too wants to be rescued by Jamie. #GetInLine  It seems the Duke ‘knows a guy.’ Dis guy can get a note past da soldiers if she’s gives her word that he’ll be rescued too.  Meme_AvoidTower
She writes a note in Gaidhlig and Sandy says he’ll have it delivered to Hugh Munro who’ll take it to Jamie.  Just then wee Mary Hawkins comes in.  Seems the Duke is her godfather and she’s staying in the house. He’s found another wealthy, older man to marry her off to and she’s trying to find a way out of it. Claire clutches Mary to her pert bosom which puts the CBCC or Claire Bosom Clutching Count at approximately 30 so far this season.

 

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The Duke sends his guy, galloping off into the night in a sort of Paul Revere/UPS style scenario and he finds Munro and delivers the note.  Claire spots the Duke’s valet’s birthmark and realizes he’s the asshat who raped MaryLe Comte wanted to have Claire killed but Sandy bargained it down to a rape and then Mary got caught in the crossfire.  Oh and by the way, the redcoats are hiding in the woods waiting to capture Jamie, so there’s that to worry about. Munro meets up with Jamie & Murtagh and delivers the note.

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Claire’s locked in her room and Mary opens the door, they’re going to escape together but Mary doesn’t want to sneak down and warn Hugh Munro that Jamie’s walking into a trap because she’s gone all Kardashian for a moment and won’t lower herself to talk to a hoboClaire opens the door hidden behind a giant portrait and my 8 year old self flips out because it’s Batgirl and her Secret Room all over again!  Claire makes it to the kitchen but the damn Duke is down there carb loading.  Mary interrupts them and is ordered back to bed.  Instead, she grows a pair, opens the door and tells Hugh it’s a trap. The damn valet catches her, shuts the door and brings her back to the kitchen.  Meme_GoToBed
Jamie suddenly bursts in, the Duke slams his wig on his head (he must be hawt for Jamie too), the valet jams a knife to Claire’s throat and Jamie drops his knife. Murtagh comes in, Jamie disarms the valet, Claire shouts the valet is the bad guy from Paris, the Duke wants to make nice, the valet gives up the Duke as the one who made him attack Claire and Mary, Jamie punches the valet who lands on the floor.  Mary must have grown a GIANT pair, cuz she picks up the knife and stabs the valet to death.  As if that’s not bad enough, Murtagh goes all Lizzie Borden and chops off the Duke’s head and gives it to Mary. Roll credits, The End!
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Man oh man, they sure packed a lot into this week’s episode and not for nuthin, unless you were vacationing on the moon, you know, Herself, Diana Gabaldon wrote this episode.  I totally LOVED all the humorous little one liners or bon mots, as the Comte would say, that she threw in. Adventure, hilarity, terror and all the good stuff rolled up into one Gabaldonian enchilada.  I know she’s a busy woman, but I hope she can write another episode next year, cuz she is SO good!  See you next week and till then, Tulach Ard Y’all!